It’s nearly a year late (I can’t believe I’m going to be the mother of a one year old in three short weeks). And the reason for the delay is simple. Thinking / typing / talking about the day that Clara was born still scares the pants off of me. Even 11+ months later. This little lady made quite the dramatic entrance.
Yup, the day that Clara came into the world was the most amazing life-changing day of my existence, but it was easily also the single most terrifying one. I’ve mentioned some details a few times in comments on other Clara-related posts (many readers wanted to know all about the bean’s birth right away) but I think now that she’s almost a year old I’ve processed that day enough to really share it fully with the interweb. By no means am I over it (don’t really know if I ever will be), but I can talk about it now without crying. So that’s a start, right? A few friends of mine have actually recommend that I write this post as part of the whole healing process (a lot of the posts that we write are actually for our own benefit since this is just an online diary to document our lives for our own selfish purposes, haha). So I thought it made sense. I know that how Clara came into the world will affect future pregnancies and how nervous/anxious/wary/afraid I’ll be if any of the same complications pop up again, so perhaps talking about it after processing it for almost a year might help me come to terms with it a bit more. So here it goes (deep breaths, deep breaths).
I had an amazing low risk fabulous pregnancy. No high blood pressure. No weird pains. Over 100 days of morning sickness (yes I counted) but that’s to be expected. Or at least tolerated in the name of baking a human. Other than that (and once that ended) it was amazeballs as my girl Bethenny Frankel would say. I felt great. I loved feeling my little bean kicking around in there. I basked in the glory of being prego. I told John I could do it ten more times. Life was good.
My tiny 4’11” mom had two natural (and very fast) child births, so I had high hopes of a normal (if not very quickly progressing) delivery. Maybe without drugs, and maybe with them. I wasn’t going into it with any strong feelings either way, but I had taken some classes on pain management and learned about The Bradley Method so I was actually feeling very bring-it-on by the end. Either way I kept telling myself “in the end the baby will be out and I’ll get to meet her, so no fear is allowed – it’s going to be a happy day – with drugs or without them. No pressure. Just try to go with the flow and relax.” I had orders to “run, don’t walk” to the hospital if I had any signs of labor (my mother had me in four hours and my brother within two) so that had me a little on edge, but the only thing I worried about was having the baby at home or in the car since I feared it would all happen really fast because that runs in the family.
John was working downtown at the time and I was at home without a car (we’re a one car family, so he’d take the car during the day and after he came home we’d run any errands I needed to do). So admittedly the whole being at home without the car thing was kind of scary but I knew about fifty neighbors who volunteered to drive me to the hospital if things got crazy and John couldn’t make it home to get me in time. The funny thing is that he answered his cell phone on the first half-a-ring for the last two weeks of my pregnancy, so I knew he was on high alert and was confident that he’d hightail it home in time (it was only a 15 minute drive).
I never felt a single contraction (not even Braxton Hicks) until the day I went into labor, but I knew I was dilated to a 3.5 at 39 weeks (yes I walked around at a 3.5 without going into labor with my first child, which I hear is really uncommon). Clara must have been holding onto the walls in there. So although I was still about a week “early,” my doc said I was going to have the baby any second. Hence John being on high alert. Oh yeah and my belly looked like this. I was officially ready to pop.
I noticed on the morning of May 14th (it was a Friday) that I was having some pretty intense contractions. My first contractions ever (well that I felt). At first they were oddly irregular so I thought it was just prelabor (didn’t even tell John because I didn’t want him to get all crazy and come running home for a false alarm). But slowly they started to establish a pattern and by the time I started timing them they were just four minutes apart. And they were an 11 on the pain scale. I felt like my insides were ripping apart and my back was killing me. I called John who was out to lunch with all of his coworkers to celebrate his very last day at the office (he was resigning to come on full time as a dad/blogger) and told him to get the eff home. He laughed about how good my timing was because he was just finishing his burrito. I groan-cried in the middle of a contraction and he knew I meant business. So home he came flew.
By the time we got to the hospital my contractions were already two minutes apart. I remember having a hard time even walking from the car to the door because they were just coming nonstop and they were bring-you-to-your-knees painful. I thought I might have a baby right there in the parking lot. They sent me straight into labor and delivery. As we waited for the doctor to arrive and check my progress my water broke in the hospital bed- but instead of being clear it was red. So much blood. Very scary. I didn’t even see most of it (thanks to my giant belly and the sheet over my lower half) but John did along with my OB who happened to be in the room. John’s face went white and the OB snapped into hyperdrive.
Immediately the room filled with frenzied nurses and doctors and they explained that I was having a placental abruption, which happens when the placenta has inexplicably detached from the uterine wall. This is very bad news before the baby is born. And it explains the feels-like-my-body-is-ripping-apart pain I’d been experiencing. It’s an extremely dangerous complication for the baby (since they get their nourishment from the placenta and can go into shock and die) and the mother can hemorrhage (and can also die in cases of extreme bleeding). So it was a pretty dire situation all around (although nobody stopped to explain it, the look on the doctor and nurse’s faces kind of said it all).
Within about a minute they had me in the OR and within three minutes they had sweet baby Clara out thanks to an amazingly fast emergency c-section. They saved her life by acting so fast.
It was a blur. All I remember was them running my gurney into the walls while turning corners in the hallway trying to get me into an ER as fast as possible. They looked panicked. And it scared the heck out of me. I didn’t care about me or my body – just the baby. I remember screaming inside of my head “just cut her out of me, cut and I don’t care if I feel pain or if I get hurt or if I have scars all over, just save her. Do it right here in the hallway if you have to.” Of course my lips weren’t moving. It was one of those out-of-body mind screams that nobody else can hear.
John suddenly wasn’t with me. They just left him behind and ran with me down the hall calling up to get emergency doctors and nurses on hand since the main OR was already in use for a scheduled c-section. I remember people popping out of doorways saying “I’ll help” and joining the frenzied mob and going over all of my stats (blood type, number of weeks prego, etc) while saying things like “baby in distress” and “profuse bleeding.” I couldn’t have created a scarier nightmare scenario in my head if I tried. Lots of people swarmed into the OR in the next thirty seconds. But no John. I could barely breathe at the thought of something going so wrong without him by my side. Once they had me fully prepped for surgery (which happened within less than a minute, they were so amazing) someone must have run off to get him.
I wish I could say it was thanks to me calling out for him but I was in shock so I couldn’t talk or even move. I was frozen. It almost felt like I wasn’t even there and I was watching it all happen to someone else on TV. John says he remembers standing in the hallway as everyone ran off with me. So freaked out and completely alone. Just waiting. That always makes me cry when I think about it. I didn’t know it at the time because of the chaos, but someone had tossed scrubs at him when I was being wheeled out (he would need them since it had to be a sterile environment for the c-section) so he was just standing there in the hallway wearing his scrubs and waiting. And going crazy. Finally someone came out to retrieve him and he was allowed to come hold my hand right as they started to cut. I just stared at him. I was frozen. I didn’t cry. I didn’t talk. I was just in shock at how quickly everything was happening.
Once they opened me up they saw that not only was Clara in distress from the placental abruption, but the umbilical cord had somehow been pinched (which is called “cord prolapse”) so she was without oxygen while fighting to make it through the abruption. I heard them toss out the word “cord prolapse” (they didn’t have time to explain what was going on, so I learned the details later) but in my odd state of panic and shock I thought they were talking about someone else. I was the one with a placental abruption. The scariest page of my birth book at home. The one I didn’t even read because it wouldn’t happen to me because I didn’t have high blood pressure or any of the other risk factors. My baby couldn’t also be dealing with cord prolapse. How could that be? Who could be that unlucky? Then they said “she’s not going to cry ok – don’t wait for her to cry just try to stay calm and breathe slowly.” That was when my heart broke and I started to cry. I guess I was crying for her.
I couldn’t see anything thanks to the screen they threw up before cutting into me, but they were right. She didn’t cry when they yanked her out with all of their might. All I remember was extreme pressure but no pain. Well, no physical pain. Emotional pain = off the charts. They had NICU specialists standing by, and when I heard them say “NICU” out loud that it was the first time I actually thought “what if this doesn’t end the way I thought it always would? What if all those pep talks I gave myself about it being a happy day because “drugs or no drugs I would get to meet my sweet baby girl” weren’t going to be true?
John later admitted that thought had hit him a lot earlier than it had hit me. He said he knew something was very wrong when he saw all the blood before they whisked me away. And when he was standing alone in the hallway after I got wheeled off to the OR he wondered if things were about to end badly. See why that visual of him in the hall makes me cry? It was just so surreal and terrifying. John later confessed that once he was allowed into the OR to hold my hand that he couldn’t really watch as they pulled her out of me, even though he was much taller than the screen they had set up to block my view. Not because he was afraid of the blood or passing out, but because he didn’t want to see our baby “not make it.”
But after about one felt-like-eternity minute they got her to moan. Kind of like a kitty meowing. It was so soft and weak and just heart breaking. I remember thinking “I want her to cry so she’s ok, but I don’t want to hear her if she’s not going to be ok because I’m falling in love already. I can’t hear her moan and then fall silent- she has to start wailing. Right now!” But no dice. I remember thinking that all the silence felt so loud. Like it was almost deafening to listen so desperately for some sign of a cry. Clara got a 4 on her initial Apgar test, which we later heard is usually the lowest score you can get before permanent brain damage if things don’t improve by the five minute Apgar retest. They didn’t announce the time of birth or her weight very loudly or say anything like in the movies, you know like “it’s a girl!” or “happy birthday!” or “what’s her name?” and she didn’t come lay on my chest. I still couldn’t even see her thanks to the screen they had put up to block the surgery. They were all just working on this baby that I couldn’t even see. My baby. And I just stared at John in a silent freeze, tears in my eyes but nothing coming out of my mouth. At some point after closing me up the doctor said “she’s bleeding – she reopened, get over here” and half of the team ran back to work on me. My incision which had been sewn and stapled shut had reopened and I could hear from the doctors tone that it wasn’t an ideal situation. But I still wasn’t scared for me. In any other scenario it would have been intensely alarming, but I had a one track mind: the baby. I want to hear the baby cry.
It felt like five years went by (in reality it was less than five minutes) but slowly the people working on me thinned out and the people working on Clara seemed to start moving more casually and slower. As if it wasn’t such an emergency anymore. I remember thinking “this is either a very good or a very bad sign.” Thankfully, by her five minute Apgar test she pinked up, cried a glorious and spirited cry, and got a 9 (we later learned that the five minute Apgar retest is the most important and revealing one). They said that a 9 was as close to perfect as it gets and that even super healthy children rarely get 10s. And they told us that it was so great that she rebounded so well and was looking fantastic. She was a fighter for sure. They even let John go over and see her (I was still strapped down so I had to wait).
She wasn’t out of the woods yet, but we didn’t know that at the time, so we started to rejoice and John even took some video on the iPhone to bring back over to show to me since I hadn’t even laid eyes on her yet (we were so lucky that the iPhone happened to be in John’s pocket before all hell broke lose, otherwise we wouldn’t have any documentation of Clara’s birth at all). We later learned they were somehow testing her cord blood to see if she was without oxygen for so long that she sustained permanent brain damage. Only when the test came back all-clear (indicating that there were no worries of that) did the nurses and doctors really seem to relax.
Apparently infants who live after a placental abruption have a 40-50% chance of complications, which range from mild to severe (and sometimes mothers who survive end up with a hysterectomy to control the hemorrhaging). Only then did it start to sink in how lucky we really had been. And what a miracle our baby girl really is.
Finally, after what literally felt like days, they wrapped her up and brought her over to me. My arms were strapped down from the surgery, so John held her right near my head and I just stared at her in disbelief. I was still in shock, and bloated with fluids from the IV along with fear and disbelief and unconditional love.
What did I do to deserve such a happy ending? How would I have survived coming home empty handed to a beautiful nursery that I shared with the world while being so confident that I was guaranteed a cute little baby to put in that crib? Basically it was the scariest day of our lives, and I still ask why. Why me (in that annoying “poor me” way) and why me (in the “why-was-I-so-lucky-she-was-spared” way). But the main thing I feel is full. Of relief. Of gratitude. Of love for my little fighter. My little miracle. I’m SO THANKFUL that the doctors and nurses worked so quickly to come to her (and my) rescue. I’ll never know for sure, but if another team had been on duty I don’t know that I would have had the same outcome. They were just so on it. So invested and so amazing. And I can’t even begin to think about what could have happened if I wasn’t in the hospital when I started bleeding.
Other nurses and doctors in the hospital dropped in to see us for days just to tell us how lucky we were (news of our complications were apparently the talk of the hospital). We even had a friend on another floor (coincidentally she was there on the same day that I went into labor for a pre-term labor scare) who had overheard nurses and doctors talking about “that woman who had both a cord prolapse and a placental abruption at the same time but the baby actually survived.” Only later did she find out that it was me they were talking about. I still get chills when I think about that. How lucky we were. How scary it was. And how gorgeous and amazing that little girl in my arms was. And still is.
So that’s the story of the scariest/best day of our lives. Whew. No wonder we’re obsessed with the girl.
As for if those complications are more likely to occur with any subsequent pregnancies, cord prolapse is totally random and can happen to anyone, so it doesn’t become more likely if you’ve experienced it before (but it’s rare, so if you’re prego and reading this story know that my combination of complications were about as likely as winning the lottery). However, placental abruption is more likely to reoccur (around one in four women experience it again) and it can happen as early as around twenty weeks (when the baby isn’t viable yet, which means the baby wouldn’t make it). So it can be devastating and scary. I have strict orders to wait at least two full years between pregnancies to let everything heal up nice and strong, which probably means over three years between Clara and her younger brother or sister, assuming all goes well. I’m fine with the wait since I’m happy to just enjoy Clara for a while and take that time to continue to process the whole birth experience and build up my courage. But I’m sure when I’m pregnant again I’ll be much less happy go lucky about it.
Which is really sad. John keeps begging me to let it be the same joyful and unabashedly exciting time as it was before. But I know myself. And I’ll be on high alert. Searching for any signs or symptoms that something’s wrong. And scared even if there aren’t any signs of trouble (because there weren’t any before I started feeling contractions with Clara- it just all came out of nowhere). I’m scared that I might even be afraid to get a nursery ready. You know, so as not to jinx things. So my plan is to know myself, and accept that I’m going to be scared. But to do my best to enjoy it as much as I can and remind myself that I now know what an abruption feels like (so I should instantly be able to identify it) and that I have more information than I had with Clara (plus the doctors also know about my history now that I’ve had it happen). So I’ll hopefully have just as good of an outcome should it reoccur, as long as it doesn’t happen before the baby is developed enough to be delivered.
But I’m not gonna lie. I’m going to be petrified.
I also might be a “high risk” pregnancy next time without any chance of natural labor (if signs of another abruption occur they’ll rush me to a c-section if the baby is old enough to live outside the womb). I’m ok with that. Anything for a healthy baby. Now not only am I open when it comes to drugs or no drugs, I’m totally down with a c-section too. Slice and dice, baby. Whatever it takes.
Katie @ Shared Bites says
Wow, that was quite the read on a Friday afternoon (I’m a relatively new reader and still poke around to old posts). Both intense and inspirational. I’m so happy for your little family and I’m glad you shared it – hopefully it helped. Looking forward to watching Clara grow! She’s my May 14 birthday twin – we’re just 28 tiny years apart. :)
Emily says
Wow, what an incredible story! I’ve just recently found your blog and have been enjoying it immensely! Thanks for sharing such a scary and wonderful life-changing day with your readers. Love to you both from Tennessee!
Vanessa Coker says
I feel so happy reading you guys made it through ok.
Kerry says
Wow. I had to pause several times while reading this! I understand the fear completely. My daughter (8wks) was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and scored just a 1 on the initial apgar. My bf, mom, sis in law and I sat desperately waiting for that cry and not knowing if she was going to make it! I sympathize with you! I also didn’t see her for an hour and a half, nor hold her for 4 hrs! But now she’s a bright and bubbly little girl who lights up my heart and world! Glad to see Clara is the same!
Maren says
Thanks for sharing (even though I am sobbing) I have been reading through your archives ever since I had my son 13 months ago…I read blogs while I pump to keep from going insane. It is probably a very good thing I didn’t get to this story until now, after I have recovered from my own (not nearly as) traumatic delivery. I can definitely relate with the almost PTSD-feelings. Jack was BIG (9 lb, 11 oz) and was backwards, so painful, long labor, unmedicated, trying to get him to roll over. Once we finally got him (we thought) turned, when his head came out (after 27 hours…) they realized the cord was stuck on his shoulder, which was stuck in my pelvis (shoulder dysplasia) They had to rip him out, and I had an agonizing minute waiting for him to scream. He spent 3 days in the NICU, and it was hours before I got to hold him. While killing time pumping in the early days, I looked up dysplasia, and the most common outcome I found was fetal and/or maternal death. Then I fell out of my chair. Not really, but I felt like throwing up. And writing about it does help, apparently. Sorry for the long comment on top of 2k others!
amanda says
Thank you so much for sharing this! I came to your site, looking for some diy inspiration, and found something so much better- a feeling of not being alone. A feeling I don’t have the words to describe. I’d never experienced natural childbirth before…I was told it would be fast. Little did I know how fast. I was in labor but didn’t realize where things were. I thought maybe tomorrow or late tonight. Contractions were about 15min apart and pretty mild- not even as bad as cramps. I stood up to walk to my husband and didn’t make it halfway across the room when my water broke, but it wasn’t amniotic fluid, it was blood. I knew something was wrong and I knew I wouldn’t make it to the hospital. I told my husband I was dying and he needed to call for help- I was bleeding to death. Thankfully, my body decided to help out and my son was born in minutes. He was coming out as EMS arrived and they are less than 5 miles from my house. He was beautiful and healthy and I’m fine. I survived. I’m emotionally scarred, but I’m so grateful it was okay. It was so scary! I feel so bessed that everything worked out. The ER docs, the OBs- I had random medical personnel stopping into my room to say hi- I’m the mom who survived a placental abruption at home and gave birth to an 9lb8.2oz baby, unassisted. I’m a very lucky woman. My midwife said that many times the body realizes something is wrong and makes labor harder and faster to get the baby out immediately. I’ll never be able to relay how grateful I am that I was one of those fortunate women, especially because I live 45min from the hospital. We wouldn’t have made it.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh my gosh, so scary! So glad you guys are ok!
xo,
s
Kim (Wethe) Rily says
I know this is one of those posts waaaaay after the fact, but a friend of mine karencordano.blogspot.com, just had her 2nd baby after having been “that delivery” with her first baby. I don’t think they had cord prolapse, but had to go back in for pieces of the placenta, and that was after she had gone home, etc. They’d gotten pg and then had a miscarriage and then gotten pg again and she went into labor during Irene and finally had the baby on Wednesday. (Luckily, I don’t think they lost power.)
I have a friend who DID lose her first baby boy @35+weeks. Now she has two beautiful daughters, 9 and 11, who know all about their “big brother.”
The thing about living through some bad stuff is that we live through it. We get past it and go to the next day. Enjoy your daughter. Don’t be afraid of going and trying again. I know John has lots of sisters. Maybe Clara will have a few too. (And you can always ignore this if you want to because my 2 year old is too big to really be a baby anymore and I’m missing my little teeny ones, thus going through baby fever.)
Simona says
Sherry,
I just learned about your blog yesterday from a friend after I told her about how my sweet baby girl, Natalie was born with an Apgar score of 1 due to a prolapsed cord. I couldn’t wait to read your blog because I wanted to know your birth story. I was amazed at how similar it was to mine…
I had the easiest pregnancy with my first child and my pregnancy with Natalie was even easier. I never had morning sickness with either child, no heartburn, no nothing, I felt great and I thought I could be the poster lady for pregnancy. I even told my husband that I could be a surrogate mother someday because I loved being pregnant. My son was born vaginally after a 10 hour labor (from first contraction to birth), so I was expecting my 2nd child to come even faster.
We did not find out the sex of either child, so the anticipation for the 2nd child was even greater. I wanted to have a little girl so badly, but I psyched myself out and prepared for another boy. I couldn’t wait for that first magical moment when the baby comes out and I could find out the sex and hold my sweet bundle of joy for the first time.
On September 2, 2010 (yes that is 90210) I woke up feeling great. I was about 39 weeks along and my husband left for work around 7:15 and I was planning a shopping trip with my son that morning. Then the contractions began and they were intense. By the time I called my husband at 8:30 they were already 2 1/2 minutes apart, so I told him he better rush home so we could get to the hospital. We checked into the hospital at about 10:00 and I was 6cm dilated and my contractions were 1 1/2 minutes apart so I had to hurry and get my epidural. Around 10:45 my water broke and I recall laughing because it was such a weird sensation. My water never broke with my first child, so I thought I was going to have my baby any minute. Then the nurse came in and saw that there was miconium in the water and the baby’s heart rate was dropping… suddenly she called for back up and I remember doctors and nurses rushing in and them paging my OB over the intercom and calling for a CODE C. I immediately started panicking and crying. I too didn’t care what happened to me and didn’t understand what they were saying about a “prolapse cord” because all I understood was emergency C-section. They rushed me into the OR and I was surrounded by doctors and nurses and my husband was also left out in the hallway with his scrubs. He didn’t come in until shortly before they pulled my baby out and I remember both of us crying and him holding my hand. I couldn’t stop crying and mentally saying please save my baby, please don’t let me have to go home without my precious baby. When my baby was born there was no sweet sound of crying and I couldn’t see anything, I could just hear them working on the baby and suctioning out the fluid she had swallowed. A few minutes later I heard a faint cry and my tears stopped long enough for me to ask my husband to go find out if the baby was ok and what sex it was? He went over and checked with the nurses and found out we had a baby girl and she was doing better and was turning pink. It was not the ideal moment I had envisioned in my mind, but it was just amazing to know that she was alive. They never brought her over to me because the rushed her to the NICU and I didn’t get to see her until she was about an hour and a half old.
She stayed in the NICU and I went to my recovery room and I didn’t get to see her again for almost 13 hours, which was so hard because everyone came to see me and they had to go to the NICU to meet her. The saddest part was that I wasn’t there when my son first met his baby sister. I got to see her first 13 hours via pictures my husband was taking. It was not the ideal situation, but I was grateful to have her alive. She was in the NICU for less than 24 hours and then she joined me in my room and we stayed at the hospital for 3 nights. I later learned how tragic my story could have been and that she had a 1 apgar score at birth and a 5 at 5 minutes. All the nurses and doctors stopped by my room to see us and they all said we were the talk of the maternity ward.
My daughter is now a beautiful, healthy, smart and happy 1 year old. I am so blessed to have been at such a great hospital (Sutter Roseville) and that I had such a great team of doctors and nurses. I know some people believe that home births are ideal, yet had I not been at the hospital my daughter would not be alive today.
I’m so happy that your daughter is growing and thriving and it is great to be able to share my story with you and read your story because unless you’ve experienced it yourself, it is hard to understand the panic that envelopes you as a mom when things go wrong during what should be a routine delivery. I hope and pray that your next delivery goes smoothly.
Enjoy motherhood!
Stephanie Wingard says
So, I started reading your page because I’m having decorators ADD, and I ended up crying at your horrible and wonderful story of your baby girls birthday! My husband is in the other room and is randomly walking through, he has not asked any questions which means he probably thinks I’m crazy! Anyway, I’m so happy for you both that your beautiful baby girl Clara was able to make it through such a scary entry into this world. Children are an amazing gift! Enjoy every moment, it goes by WAY too fast! I will also tell you that I have had three babies, each and every birth was very different and unique from one another. If and when you decide to have another, enjoy every moment because the little one certainly will.
Cheers!
Cathie says
what a wonderful ending to a beautiful, scary story…Clara is simply adorable!! As the “mama” of 2 grown daughters (my youngest shares Clara’s bday 32 years apart), I can tell you firsthand that things will only get better..each and every day brings yet another miracle, another moment of pure bliss to enjoy…
Erica says
This story/ experience is amazing. I am a first time mom to a 5 month old baby. Reading this before my daughter was born would have been scary and sad. But now that I have gone through childbirth myself and I can actually put myself in the situation I have a completely different reaction. I started to sob about half way through (don’t feel bad, just a natural mom reaction). It is crazy how these little creatures can change our lives instantly. I am so thankful for my daughter. And so happy that you and your daughter made it through a traumatic experience. I thought I had a traumatic birthing experience (mine was pretty basic, I’m just a wuss). I would have felt the same way thinking of my husband standing alone after seeing the doctors race me and his unborn baby down the hall (I sobbed when i pictured that moment too). Thank you for sharing your experience.
KC says
I’m a new reader just catching up on your posts. I came across this beautiful–and absolutely terrifying–story and couldn’t stop crying. Clara is beautiful, and I can’t even begin to imagine the range of emotions you and John both must have felt during that time. Thank you for sharing. All the best to you four (yes, including Burger!).
Becca says
This was such a moving post – so brave of you to share. Your baby girl is as cute as can be. I’m happy for you all.
rhi says
Wow. Such a wonderful story. I am in tears. I had a scary birth too, but nothing like this. May God bless you and your family. Love the heck out of that little girl ;)
Kiera Chambers says
I just wanted to let you know that you’re not the only one. I also had the blissfully happy pregnancy, ER c-section, the silent birth, no cry, baby with apgars of 4/3 (not supposed to go down)…the story is long and tear filled, but she’s now an amazing.beautiful.healthy.loving.joyfilled.miracle almost 11 year old girl…
I also wanted to tell you that my prayer my entire 2nd pregnancy was, “please God, not again, not again”…and before the dr had finished the cut on my uterus that little boy filled the OR with healthy loud screams…and lots and lots of ugly tears from my husband and I…that was the best sound in the world!
we have 2 amazing miracles…one 11 year old girl that scared the lives out of us and one 6 year old boy who we see as a miracle now knowing all that could go wrong and didn’t!
don’t let those fears suck the joy out of your 2nd baby!
God Bless! ~Kiera
Angeleen says
I am so sorry. And I am so happy for you.
This story made me cry, but it also filled me with hope and love.
Thanks for sharing such a private moment and if I had any power to control things, I would make sure that your next pregnancy would be filled “unabashed joy and excitement” and the birth would be clear skies, smooth sailing and lots of hand-holding for you and your husband.
Cecilia says
I´m crying just as I read your story!. I am from Argentina, and I always read your blog, I love it!. My husband and I had a 5 months baby, she is called Felicitas (Felicity). Your story reminds me of my last month of pregnancy. But making a long story short, is your feelings and all the emotions you tell…I felt the same way. Felicitas is a princess, she is perfect, but that fear that you felt, I felt the same. We had to be thankfull and love our babies. No one knows, what will happen with a next baby.
ENJOY CLARA AND LIFE!!! :)
Thank you for sharing!! :)
Ceci
Rebecca says
Sherry, I must have missed this when you originally posted it but I made my way over here form your baby center post today. The 3 of you are amazing and your bond with Clara is so special. I had a very different experience but resulted in many of the same emotions. My pregnancy was almost without complications until 39 weeks when my bp when up and I was induced. Even though I was induced I still was able to have the natural birth experience (because I had an awesome obgyn/midwife group). Well all that went out the window when she was finally born after 36 hours with a very uncommon undetectable (but fixable) birth defect. Now my precious baby that I was supposed to immediately bond with was without me in the NICU all by herself. I felt so defeated and so scared that the beautiful mother child relationship I dreamed about was ruined.
Fast forward almost 7 months and Eloise is an amazing little girl who I of course love more than anything and her time in the hospital is just a blur now. Half of me can’t wait to have another to repeat the process and have everything turn out ‘normal’ and the other half is still scared that I did miss something with Eloise and I am still trying to make up for it.
Sorry just had to share today after reading your story, finding people who understand all those feelings is difficult.
Rebecca says
I just realized why I missed this post. We were still in the hospital. Eloise was born just 7 days earlier. I really wish I would have read it back then. Thanks for posting such a personal story.
Chelsea says
This is the second time I’ve read this story, and it still makes me cry! You, John, and Clara are so strong and such fighters! Thank you so much for sharing your story.
karyn says
Sherry & John…this was intense and beautiful.
It’s been 19 years since my own (somewhat harrowing) birth experience. While time has certainly helped soften the edges of that day’s memories, it’s also heightened the gratitude I have for my healthy daughter and the joy she brings our family. Being able to create and nurture her over the years still blows my mind. (And now we’re currently trying for #2!)
Thank you for sharing and allowing your us (your readers/fans/followers/wanna-be-friends…haha) to support you; the comments alone prove that it was beneficial for your readers, too. xo
Stacey says
Wow. I knew this post was here but had never read it before today. I clicked over from your post about 10 reasons you are thankful for Clara. (which was beautiful btw). I have 4 children 14-24 and my first three deliveries were easy. The last one was scary. She was in distress during labor and the cord was looped around her neck when she was being delivered. She was literally being strangled as she was being born. I was so blessed to have a very experienced L/D nurse in with me who was calm and reassuring. They let me hold her for a brief moment before moving her under the lights and starting to work on her. She was blue and not making any noise and not moving. Just barely breathing. It was so scary. I looked at her chart later and found out that she was a 3 when born ( and like Clara, a 9 on the second score. )
My heart was breaking as I read about John standing in the hall alone in his scrubs. And I so relate to your fear as you realized that things might not be ok and that you couldn’t do anything to make them ok.
I delivered all four at St. Mary’s here in Richmond and they were amazing. We are fortunate to have so many good hospitals in our city with wonderful doctors and nurses.
Thanks for sharing your story. I know it was gut wrenching to write out. It is still hard to write about my daughter’s birth 14 1/2 years later. But tue bean is beautiful and obviously the joy of your life. You have much to be grateful for and express it so beautifully on such a daily basis on your blog and in your other writing. When the time is right I look forward to reading about your next pregnancy and birth with prayers that it will be relaxed and easy. (Or as easy as getting something akin to a watermelon out of your body can ever be…)
Nicole says
THANKS. For telling your story. For adding a link back to it so that even six months later I found it. I pray for only the good stuff the next time around.
Elisabeth says
So I’m a little late in the game reading this, but I’m so glad I did. I had a scary labor story too. I went into labor 5.5 weeks too early with my son, Caleb, who is now 14 months old. (Like you, I was a low risk pregnancy and was really healthy through it all. )He had to be in the NICU for 11 days which is actually pretty short for a baby born that soon. I practically lived at the NICU (I was dropped off at 3-4am and didn’t leave until 8-9pm) and there were only two times I cried. I tried to remain up beat because I thought that might help Caleb’s lungs develop and heal. The first time was when I saw him hooked up to all the tubes helping him eat and breathe and give him medicine. He was 5lb 15oz but looked so helpless. The second time I cried was when I was discharged from the hospital and I had to go home that first night without him and see his empty crib. I find it reassuring that you are still willing to go through more pregnancies. I too will be scared to the bone if I get pregnant again. If it’s any consolation to you having difficulties writing your story, reading it made me feel at ease knowing that you and John rose above your fear and were able to be there for your baby girl. Take care, Elisabeth, Bryan, & Caleb Ps. Sorry for the long comment :)
Amanda says
How terrifying! I can’t even imagine! My heart goes out to you both, I teared up reading this so had to stop and pick it back up about 3 times, even knowing that Clara is a healthy, strong, beautiful little girl now! I had some complications during my first delivery too, more for me than the baby, though because I had a fever during labor they had to watch her overnight. The doctors were great, were even able to save my uterus (they told my husband there was a good chance they’d have to remove it to stop the bleeding). Later they said the bleeding problems I’d had were a freak thing that happens rarely, or with a certain condition that they didn’t think I had since I had no other symptoms of it, but they didn’t expect it to happen in future pregnancies. We had our second baby girl 19 months later and had no complications (only pushed for 6 minutes and she was out!). I agree with Jill, big kudos to John for being strong for you through it all when I’m sure he was even more terrified (he had more to lose if he lost you as well, you said you weren’t worried for you, just Clara, but he was probably about sick with worry for you too). I hope and pray that when you do have another baby that it will go smoothly for you, and give you a beautiful memory to help balance out the scary parts of this one. No one should have to go through that kind of trauma, let alone twice.
Louise says
Thank you for posting such a personal memory. Were expecting our first baby next saturday and i like you were are at the ‘bring it on stage’!
Clara is such a beautiful little girl, and you have such a beautiful family.
Again, thanks for sharing
Louise
xxx
Sonia says
I have recently gone through a miscarriage and an ectopic from which I was lucky to come out live. This post of yours especially the part where you are still positive about the next one has given me strength as well. These days when I see others preping their nursery or see any baby shower pics I wonder how can people assume that everything will turn out fine. But I really liked what you said and hopefully when my time comes I will be less cynical about the whole thing. Thanks for sharing.. I wish more people shared their bumpier journey to motherhood and helped give strength to others who are still disillusioned with the whole process.
Paula says
Sherry, thank you for sharing this. My son’s birth was also full unexpected turns. Your post has stayed with me. Today I mustered up the courage and hit publish on some of my own reflections. Thanks for being so open – here is my story if you’d like to read it. http://bit.ly/szk2Ej
YoungHouseLove says
Beautiful post. I loved it!
xo,
s
Hilary says
I just found your blog through another blog I follow. First off, I love it. You guys are so cute and what you have done to your houses is amazing! I would love to have that talent.
Somehow I stumbled upon this blog post about your birth story and as soon as I began reading your story I began balling because I knew by the way you were writing what happened to you. The same thing happened to me – except my abruption (all the bleeding, pain, etc.) happened at home. Thank god we immediately knew something was terribly wrong – even though when I called my MD (it was 2 am) they tried to convince me that it was probably just something “normal” – not so much. It was the most terrifying experience I have ever had and to this day I cry when I think about it. My daughter is 3.5 and healthy thank god, but everytime I tell someone in the medical field this happened they say “you and your daughter are lucky to be alive” – it is true, we are so lucky, but none the less totally frightening how close we were to catastrophe. I have since had a healthy baby boy (he is 1 – in an uneventful c section : ) and am due with my third in a few weeks. This time I have an anterior placenta (in the front of the baby), so they are concerned about it adhering the wall of the uterus (basically the opposite of the abruption) and causing extreme blood loss again. So I totally understand when you say – I cannot believe I have TWO extremely rare things! I am scared, but thankful that we have the ability to know all of this in advance. I am in good care and in the best facility, so I know it will be ok.
Thanks for your story. I will continue to read your blog for your insights and style, but I just had to post to you about this because I have never actually spoken to anyone else who had this happen. It is so rare. Thankfully we are both ok and our babies are as well.
Best wishes – Hilary
Jen in Oz says
I have a three year plus gap between my children by design. Don’t think that it is too long. The advantage is having the first more independent before a second pregnancy wipes you out, and when the baby arrives a 3+ year old is so helpful compared to a 2 year old and less self centered. They will enjoy a sibling more.
I have had a scare with one of mine who didn’t breathe well when first born. I so understand that frozen feeling while waiting.
Best wishes while you heal from both the physical and the emotional trauma and enjoy your beautiful little girl.
Doreen says
Sherry, thanks for sharing this. Your story really made me cry and I’m so happy for you that this terrifying birth experience led to a happy ending.
I had my daughter on April 1st 2011 and I thought it was horrible because I was in labor for very long without it having any effect on the cervix. But that seems like a very small inconvenience campared to your story.
Best wishes for you three and any other babys that may come
Dana says
Sherry,
Thanks so much for sharing this! I’m currently a nursing student and I actually just finished up by OB rotation (happens to be the area I’ve always wanted to most work in). Your story is a good reminder to be the best student I can to be the best nurse I can. It may be a little strange that i feel so inspired by your story, but thank you. I pray that you might have (some) peace in your future pregnancies and births!
Devin Hogan says
My aunt went through the same thing with her second child, Ariah. But, Ariah came six weeks early and was in the NICU for a few weeks. My aunts placenta ruptured at her mothers house, so she wasn’t as close to a doctor as you were. Both are great today and my aunt is pregnant with baby number 4! You are both two very blessed woman. :)
[email protected] says
I know how overwhelming it can be coming through a birth that wasn’t quite what you expected. I’ve had 2 placental abruptions. The first, my son experienced major respiratory distress but is now doing fine. The second time, my son did not survive. I’m currently pregnant again and really trying to enjoy this pregnancy but you do replay everything in your mind, knowing what can go wrong. The best advice I have for future pregnancies is just to take things one day at a time. There are ways to limit your risk factors for recurrent placental abruptions but sometimes they just happen.
Congratulations on your beautiful girl.
YoungHouseLove says
I am so sorry or your loss Rachel. Sending you lots of love and good vibes for this pregnancy!
xo,
s
Natália says
What a story!
I’m glad it all went ok at the end!
You’re very brave! both 3 of you!
Bonita says
As a former Labor and Delivery and NICU nurse, this story had me on edge the whole time I read it. Wow! Can’t believe you had all of that go wrong in one delivery!
But what a miracle that you and your sweet little girl are both okay. God was looking out for you! (And He will look out for you next time too.)
Kari E says
*sigh*. I am just getting ready to go back to work as my maternity leave for my little boy (our second child) is ending. I stumbled onto your site a few weeks ago, and have spent hours here since. I cried as I read this, for your experience, but also because I have 2 birth stories that mimmick the fear, helplessness and surprise when things don’t go the way they’re supposed to that you described here. I am glad that things turned out so wonderfully for you and I wish you the best if/when you decide to add to your family.
Kate says
Thank you for sharing your birth story. It was beautiful and honest and brought back memories of my baby’s birth. I think you’re very right to say that you just have to know yourself and accept that you will be scared with subsequent pregnancies and that it is OKAY to feel that way. I hope I would handle myself the same way. All the best to you and your sweet family.
Christina says
Somehow I missed this blog post nearly a year ago. Wow…I am in tears over this story! I was pregnant with my first (and only…for now) baby the same time you were pregnant with Clara & I remember being so excited to hear about your little blessing. Who would guess such trauma accompanied such joy?! My son was born July 31, 2010, also via emergency c-section but my story is nothing compared to yours! I still know that feeling of waiting for the cry and the relief that comes from hearing it for the first time. God totally had His hand on you three that day, as well as the team of doctors & nurses…no doubt. You know after a story like that, Clara has quite a big purpose in life. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for that little miracle!
Bec says
Holy crap.
Holy. Crap.
I mean it just doesn’t get much scarier than that – does it? I was terrified FOR you.
It’s completely understandable that it took you 11 months to process … eeps.
And kudos for putting it down on paper for those women that don’t read that “scariest page in the pregnancy book”. Kudos for extra awareness.
Bec
Bobbie says
I’m a little late reading this months later but Wow! you are very strong and obviously so is Clara! This brought me to tears. I had 3 c-sections and feel the same way as you…slice and dice if need be! I have 3 beautiful girls that wouldn’t come out of me any other way ;)
Jody says
I just found this post now and have to tell you I had a similar birth experience with my baby. I had to be induced at 38 weeks because of gestational diabetes and after being on pitocin for 2 days and showing very little progress – they decided to break my water. That is when all hell broke loose. When my water broke her cord prolapsed and I was immediately taken away for a C-section. My nurse literally jumped on my bed to hold the baby in so they could get me to surgery before she suffocated. She was out before my husband even made it into the delivery room and she wasn’t breathing. She had an Apgar of 2! They were able to get her tubed and breathing and to the NICU and her 5 minute Apgar was an 8. So luckily she was ok! I have never been more scared in my life!
The worst of it – (yes even worse than the delivery) was not being able to see her for almost 24 hours. My blood pressure shot up and they had to keep me in bed until it was under control. She couldn’t come to me because she was in the NICU and I couldn’t go to her! Misery!
Finally – I was able to see her and it was definitely all worth it. I have a beautiful baby girl!!
YoungHouseLove says
Oh my gosh- so scary! So glad it all worked out!
xo,
s
chelsea eland says
You are a champion for going through all that! And thank you so much for sharing. i had a similar but not so dramatic labor also. Low risk pregnancy, planned a home birth with midwives…long story short ended up having a c-section at the hospital. Grateful for a happy, healthy baby but it was definitely scary. It’s encouraging to hear women going through similar experiences and knowing I wasn’t alone. Thanks, praying for a healthy easy labor next time around for you!
Melissa says
Wow. What an amazing story. Just one word of encouragement: my best friend delivered her first baby girl with a similar experience (placental abruption — only her baby girl had an Apgar of ZERO. And she is now 11 and incredibly smart and beautiful and is a TOTAL miracle!). Anyway, she went on to have 2 more beautiful children, with no placental abruption at all. I hope you have similar blessings, and can experience all the joy that goes along with being pregnant! :o)
YoungHouseLove says
So great to hear that. Thanks Melissa! So glad her little one was ok!
xo,
s
char says
I’m so glad I stumbled on you guys when I did. I am pregnant and due in June with our first baby, and (hopefully in days) purchasing a 1970s house that will be years of makeover material. I’m excited to virtually meet you guys and know your stories. Thank you for sharing them in such an honest and beautiful way =)
Kara says
Hello Sherry and John,
I must say that you both are brave to share this story – to be so open about such a gut-wrenching and glorious day. I don’t think it matters that you are experienced in the ways of blogging and the potential side-effects of it (nasty people for one). Sharing this story took courage, and it has inspired me to document the story of our loss the first time. No one knows I read this blog, in fact, I just found you. I rarely comment on anything in the webosphere. Doing this is just a small step in the right direction for me. Here goes:
For the months leading up to my due date my husband and I were ferociously dry walling, sanding, painting, repairing, and cleaning. We had discovered some major water damage to the front of our house when we learned I was preggo. That was a scary time – unexpected pregnancy plus [potentially] tens of thousands of dollars in repairs to commit to our money pit. I quit smoking and drinking the day we found out and my poor husband had to deal with my anxiety from the home issues, detox, and pregnancy all at the same time. He is a SAINT. I tried to eat well. I made all of my doctor apts. We hung the ultrasound pics on the fridge. We were EXCITED!
Overall it was an uneventful pregnancy. I was borderline hypertensive, but nothing my OB was very concerned with. I was overweight when I became pregnant and I managed to keep the weight gain around 20 lbs even with quitting smoking. Docs were optimistic! We were EXCITED!
My husband wanted to be sure I laughed and was light-hearted and did a fantastic job of making that happen. We were always having fun with planning and shopping. I went to have 4D pics and a movie made when my mom was in town – that was very cool. During the same visit, she refinished a couple of dressers for the nursery and we made the mobile. I finished paining the nursery at about 35 weeks – lots of crawling and climbing ladders. Later that week I had to work a couple of all-nighters to complete a project before I left for maternity leave.
That weekend my in-laws came into town to help paint the dining room and hang a chair rail. More crawling and hunching and climbing ladders. I remember telling my MIL and husband a couple of times that I wasn’t noticing Zoie move. We had nearly finished the DR when the in-laws left for home on Sunday.
Dismissive is the wrong word to use when describing how my in-laws and husband reacted to me telling them I wasn’t feeling Zoie. They are no-blood-no-fowl kind of people. They are rarely sick, they never see a doctor unless they are very ill or something is broken. I just decided that once they had left (there is no sitting still with them) I would relax and have a bowl of ice cream to get our little peanut jumping. She never jumped. An hour later we were on our way to the hospital, joking about how we were going to be “those parents” that were overly concerned and wasting the hospital’s time. How wrong we were.
When they couldn’t find the heartbeat with the strap thing they rolled in the ultrasound machine. Then another nurse tried. And then another. I was getting a little worried but could tell that my husband was thinking we had the new guys on staff. Then the doctor showed up, got Zoie’s little heart in frame, and told us it wasn’t beating. I lost it. I completely lost my shit. Crying and screaming and yelling apologies to my husband. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see. I was sick and swollen and dead inside.
That was on August 30, 2010. It was that moment, when the doctor showed me her heart on the screen, that really did me in. It is the moment that I remembered when you said “after about one felt-like-eternity minute they got her to moan. Kind of like a kitty meowing. It was so soft and weak and just heart breaking.” You see, even though I think I knew it was over, I was still hoping – expecting – that OB to find her heart beat.
I know it doesn’t sound like it, but I do appreciate you sharing your story. I am so very glad that you both were spared the anguish. I understand your anxiety about going through another pregnancy, and I agree with your philosophy about doing it: understand it will be scary, understand you, your doctors, and your family will be laser-focused on it, understand that it will all be worth it in the end.
We are planning to start trying in the next few months.
Sincerely,
Kara
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Kara, I can’t even imagine. I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. Thinking of you!
xo,
s
Becky says
I just love reading birth stories, and this one is a tear jerker! I recently wrote my own in a two-part blog “series” (ha). Check it out! http://preparingforpeanut.com/ethans-birthday-weekbirth-story-part-one/
YoungHouseLove says
Can’t wait for part 2!
xo,
s
Becky says
I realize I’m late to the game here, but I got tears in my eyes reading this. The birth of my son is similar to what you have gone through where even 4 years later, I still get freaked out by it. I don’t expect that to ever change – he is our first and only, and I’m hoping that soon I will be able to feel strong enough to give my body another chance.
I had placenta previa, where part of the placenta blocked the cervix. It had torn some and I had 2 episodes of significant late term bleeding. I had a scheduled c-section in the full on OR (not maternity) at 36 weeks and while my son was thankfully just fine, I was not. I bled for a long time and my amazing OB got creative in how it was stopped. I almost spent the night in the ICU, but after her quick thinking (which was apparently so innovative, there were countless people holding up the blanket and looking at what she’d done while I drifted in and out in recovery) I avoided the ICU, made it back to my room and while hooked up to a bunch of stuff with a central line in for blood transfusions, etc was able to nurse my son that first night. My recovery went well and fast, I was discharged a day early. Nursing my son was how I made it through – partially because I heard it was best and partly to prove that my body was capable of something since my birth experience was not at all the natural, no drugs pushing thing I thought I’d have. I never even had a contraction – who wishes they’d at least had 1 contraction during their pregnancy? me, apparently.
I’m so glad you two had a very happy ending – none of us know why we get the endings we do. You or I could have easily needed a hysterectomy or worse and we didn’t. We are here to enjoy the blessing that is our kids. Thinking of the 3 of you today. It appears from the date of this post that Clara will be 2 soon, so happy almost 2nd birthday to your little fighter!
Alli says
Omg. I found your site from EatPrayRun. I was interested in all of the house remod stories. My fiance and I are about to start in on our first home. And then…I find this story. I’m currently in my office, blowing my nose and trying not to smear mascara all over my face. What a brave heart you are. We’ve been talking about baby stuff and this story made me realize that not everything is by the book and you have to be thankful for everyday. Whew!! This has also encouraged me to be more gentle in discussions about what color the curtains will be. (HUGS) ~The Future Mrs. B
AngiePangy H. says
Wow. This is an amazing story, and makes me think back to the birth of my daughter, Whitney, who just celebrated her 7th birthday. She also had complications: low aminiotic fluid turned to induced labor turned to c-section after pushing for several hours, and then they couldn’t get her out because she was stuck in the birth canal!
I understand exactly what you mean about enormous pressure – they pushed on her head and fractured her skull, and pulled on her body, and her apgar scores were zero and zero at minutes 1 and 5. When she came out, all I could hear was “1-2-3” “1-2-3” from them trying to resucitate her on the table next to me. I only got to see her for a minute after she was stabilized for transport to the NICU at another hospital, and then she was in an incubator and hooked up to all sorts of tubes. She had a seizure, due to blood pooling between the brain and skull, and had to undergo head surgery before she was even 12 hours old.
I spent the night in the mom-baby wing of the hospital with my mom, and no baby. My husband spent the night with our daughter in a hospital 30 minutes away. We prayed. God answered. The doctors said that she might have “significant deficiencies.” My little Whitney is a chatty, vibrant, intelligent first grader who is reading above her grade level. I am so grateful.
When my second daughter was born 4 years later, we hadn’t quite picked out a name for. My husband liked Taylor, and I liked Zoe (although he didn’t care for the name). When I had my scheduled c-section, she came out screaming, mad, and red. It was the best sound in the world. I can even remember the little spit bubbles on her mouth when they held her up next to me. I told my husband that her middle name has to be Zoe, because Zoe is greek for “life” and she was the embodiment of “life.” She still is. My little three-year old creative life exudes energy and climbs everything.
Thank you for sharing your story. I have video from Whitney’s birth that I still haven’t watched. It may be time for me to watch it, and write about it. Hers is an important story to tell. So is Clara’s. The Why Me/Why Me? question gives hope to others in the same scenario.
YoungHouseLove says
What an amazing story- I’m so glad Whitney is ok and you went on to have another healthy child!
xoxo,
s
Rebecca Bradshaw says
Thanks for your very honest account. I had a scary experience too with there being an unrecognised true knot in the cord. Doctors were brilliant but has taken me a long time to stop thinking my baby is okay and safe and not going to be taken away. I feel the same about a second birth and labour but like you say at leaset they are aware of complications. So glad had traditional hospital birth and not homebirth as originally planned. Doctors and midwives were brilliant. Your little girl is gorgeous, sure she will continue to fill your life with joy, and muslins, as our little girl does. Rebecca
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Rebecca. So glad your little one was ok!
xo,
s