Q: Please, please tell me, you darling darlings, that you disagree on decor once in a while. Please. My hubby to be is lovely & supportive but not terribly interested in design and remodeling (he’s a grad student right now, mostly he is interested in sleep/school). However, he doesn’t like what I pick out most of the time! It drives me BATTY! If you are feeling up to it, do you think you could maybe blog about times when you didn’t see eye to eye? Any tips on how to compromise in these design situations? I’d really appreciate it! Thanks for a lovely blog, you do an amazing job! -Summer
A: With all the decorating projects that Sherry and I take on around here, you’ll probably be relieved to learn that we don’t always see eye to eye on everything. Goodness knows that just because we’re married doesn’t mean we’re always in agreement…
But we’ve ironed out a pretty good system for overcoming our decorating disputes: we don’t spend a penny or lift a paint brush until we’re both on the same page (so if we start on different ones, there’s a fair amount of begging and compromising to meet in the middle). Which means we’ve both become pretty good at pleading our case to one another.
Usually it’s Sherry who does the pleading because, even as involved as I like to be in the design of our home, I still fit some classic husband stereotypes: I’m generally resistant to change, I’m stingy when it comes to spending on decor, and sometimes I feel too distracted by work, life, whatever to give my full attention to Sherry’s latest project. So here are some tactics- many of which have been used on me- to help win over the husband who may be resisting your new design ideas, no eyelash batting required (well, maybe a little).
1. The Passionate Pitch: Detail your vision with enthusiasm, energy and excitement. Show pictures or sketches to bring things to life for your man (pictures can help men feel more in control because they’re more definitive than a bunch of words). Tell him why your latest decorating idea will improve his life (softer pillows for enjoying the game, a place to put his feet up, etc) and lay your heart on the table (showing him that his support and/or participation is important to you can help him feel valued). PRO: If you’re a good salesperson you’ll hopefully get the “if it’s important to you, then I’ll trust you” response. CON: If the project seems too big and overwhelming, it could scare him off due to the perceived time or money investment.
To further demonstrate this approach, Sherry showed me an inspiration picture when she wanted to convince me to forgo typical dining room seating and bring in a padded bench. Of course she assured me that our space would be a bit less fru-fru than the one in the magazine (and the bench would hail from Target or Bed Bath & Beyond so it wouldn’t break the bank) – so that helped too.
2. The Baby Step: If big design projects scare your man into decision paralysis, spare him the big picture and get his sign off on one piece at a time – a pillow here, a new rug there – ’til your vision eventually comes to fruition. PRO: He won’t realize he’s been helping with a complete room makeover ’til the very end. CON: You’ve denied your partner a chance to help shape your vision and sometimes a healthy debate (or three) can breed better results.
3. The Multiple Choice: Ask your husband to help find new curtains and just watch his eyes glaze over. But ask your husband to pick between your top 2 or 3 choices and you’ll find a guy with an actual opinion. PRO: You’ve gotten him involved without letting him steer your design plan off course. CON: Digging up a few options that you can live with requires a bit more homework.
4. The Give And Take: Get around his stonewalling by offering to give in on something else that you’ve been resisting in return. Want him to approve your dream couch? Let him splurge on that Blu-ray player he’s been eying. PRO: You can get to the decision you want in a flash and without much risk of him backtracking. CON: It’s gonna take some compromise on your part (and a bit more moolah).
5. The Exit Strategy: If your husband has trouble picturing the finished project, sometimes the ask-for-forgiveness-not-permission approach can work. Just make sure you’ve planned how to undo the things he may hate, even if it means repainting the entire room or returning certain items (save those receipts!). PRO: No guy can deny a project that has turned out well, especially if he didn’t have to lift a finger. CON: It may require undoing certain things and apologizing profusely for anything that’s irreversible (“sorry I demo’d the bathroom honey”).
For example, I went to work right after we moved into our house and when I returned home this crazy wooden divider was no longer in our living room. Luckily I was super excited that my wife took matters into her own sledgehammer-loving hands, but it could have gone the other way if she accidentally ripped up the floor while she was at it…
Now what about you? We know we’re not the only ones out there who are married and decorating. Do you guys have any other tricks or tactics for settling design disagreements around your house? Spill the beans!
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CKBH says
so, I just found your blog, thanks to apartmenttherapy, and while our styles aren’t that similar I can appreciate your creativity and the look. Major kudos to that house renovation. We are buying a house right now and it is in sad, sad shape, but were pumped for the challenge (well most days).
Any way I’ll say you’re lucky, my husband and I are both into it, and have very different styles, i want to mix the decades, and he like antiques. period. So, compromise is going A LONG way. Meaning we basically have to beg the other person. I’ll say this: choose your battles. Which really is just true for marriage in general. For instance I hate carpet, but he loves it, so the house house will be the original wood floors (exclusions being kitchen and baths which will be tile), except the basement which shall be his man cave and will have his coveted carpet.
Anyway good luck on your many adventures!
Aaron Jackson says
Nice site, stumbled across it while looking for information on decoration. I admit I’m a husband who starts and stops projects WAY too often :)
owldeedoo says
Love this post! We bought our first home almost a year ago now. Both of us are graphic designers, so we were equally excited to decorate, furnish and remodel. When we first moved in, we both easily agreed on two things: 1) there is no way we’re cooking on/in that filthy stove, and 2) the ugly oak cabinets were going to need a heavy coat of white oil paint. Check and done!
Then things became more problematic. We agreed on making some changes to the kitchen, but disagreed on the budget. So, he began using #5 even after we had made compromises and 50/50 agreements. I would not recommend that route to anyone. It made for an unhappy month.
Hopefully no one else is in that boat, but if you were, please do tell what you did to make amends and move forward happily!
owldeedoo says
G&D———that’s a sure-fire way to get him to love your decorating style! HAha! I told him he should get a playstation 360 for his man-cave, went over budget on our Room & Board sectional (thank you R&B outlet!), AND found him a locker-styled media center (since he wanted lockers in the office, but I had vetoed that). Regardless, somehow I didn’t win any points!
I’m out of ideas. Is it just me, or is he not playing fair?
Alicia (Atypical Type A) says
When my partner and I first moved in together, I often had to do a lot of convincing to get my way. But after awhile he realised that he loved how everything turned out, so he now trusts my decisions – yay!
I still always get his opinion and approval for large projects though.
Jennifer B. says
I’m glad you guys linked today’s post back to this one. I’m a newlywed dealing with this exact situation and this is fantastic advice! I also read everyone’s comments for more advice. We’re renting a place from my parents, and we’re the first tenants in the house, so when we moved in, all 4 of us needed to agree on paint colors. My mom likes plain, white walls because she thinks the rooms will look too dark with anything else. Thankfully, we all agreed on Behr Plateau for the walls, Behr Cafe Creme for the celings, and crisp white for the trim. Everything looks nice, but now we’re on to the actual design of the house. Since we can’t really repaint (we could, but we’re fine with our fresh paint job), I’m now trying to tackle our home room by room.
My husband and I have similar design taste – modern with traditional accents. He has a certain bias against certain colors, patterns, and textures though, so we’re trying to compromise with our purchases. For the most part, whatever I bring home he likes, but he’s usually pretty resistant to EVERYTHING if it’s in the store or online.
Thanks for this great post!
Trugelio says
Not sure if you realize that although you give credit for the images on this page, the image still has a watermark on it that says “iStockphoto” on it. It’s faint but it’s there.
YoungHouseLove says
Thanks for the heads up! We never noticed that and have now removed that image. Thanks again for the tip!
xo,
s
Christina says
I just found your blog the other day via Pinterest and I am SO glad I did! I have read it every day for the past few days! I found this post and I am so glad I did. My husband is WAY more opinionated about decorating than I thought he would be, but it has also taught me a lot. Sometimes it can be a bit frustrating when he can’t see the vision I have, but showing him pics works. I have also learned that when I show him pics, it usually gets his imagination going and what we end up doing turns out way better than my ideas alone. So team work works best for us and I am learning to trust him and compromise! Oh and he’s color blind so sometimes I tell him purple is blue and he’s sold. haha JUST KIDDING!!! I always tell him the truth!
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, so funny!
xo,
s
Ashley says
I can’t wait to go home and Photoshop that new island light into a picture of our kitchen – maybe my dear, sweet husband can “visualize” then!
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, oh yes it’s a good convince-the-hubby-of-things tool!
xo,
s
Sam says
Ahhh I hate that I do so much research on paint colors (houzz, google, blogs) bring home paint chips, the whole 9 yards. Then we go to the store and he picks up a random chip and says lets do this one instead. I just throw around words like LRV and undertone and he gives up.
Laura says
Reading through the archives, woot! This post is a gem, because my hubbs of almost 4 years and I just bought our very first house! We’ve had some major disagreements over decor in our rentals (he felt I didn’t respect his tastes), and I SUPER want to avoid that in our first home. We’ve been talking about that goal a lot, and I’m hopeful that these techniques will aid in the process. (By the way, I’ve been reading the blog for less than a year, but I’m totally addicted. I almost drove from Bend, OR to Portland to see you recently and get my copy of your book signed…but I’m still afraid of the mountain pass, being a flatlander myself. Thanks for being awesome and inspiring! Maybe I’ll catch you in person someday!)