And now for a bonus Friday afternoon post (aw yeah, I’m a rebel without a cause). Every day on average I get about five readers either asking if I’m pregnant or straight up “calling it” via comments, email, twitter, pinterest, instagram, or carrier pigeon. Which adds up to answering that question – and crushing the dreams of those calling it – around 150 times a month, and a whopping 1,800 times in the last year. The prego-chatter has even hijacked a few comment threads on posts about non-uterus-y topics like room updates and tour infographics. Holy bump-watch, batman! We haven’t seen one of those around here since 2010.
First I’ll get one little detail out of the way: I’m not pregnant. My womb is currently uninhabited.
It’s actually really cool that so many people are excited about the possibility of us expanding this little family of ours. But with the complications of my past (here’s Clara’s birth story for more on that) nothing is guaranteed. My next pregnancy will be high risk and my next child will have a 25% chance of the same life-threatening complication that Clara had. So that definitely contributes to our timing and our general state of mind with regard to any potential bun in the oven. And sometimes all the “you’re prego!” guesses can be a little tough to field day in and day out.
I completely understand that all the excited folks who are inquiring don’t mean any harm (in fact I feel like I should be hugging you while typing this, seriously I love you guys) but in general I think asking someone if they’re pregnant can be a little dicey…
- It can suggest that you think they’ve gained weight (sometimes I have a tummy – thanks burrito! – but it’s not a baby)
- It can unintentionally sadden someone who has had trouble getting pregnant or has miscarried (neither of which I’ve personally encountered up to this point, but I certainly could moving forward)
- It can put them in an uncomfortable position if they are pregnant, but aren’t ready to announce it (which eventually could happen to me for sure)
So this little uterus-centric service announcement is just to solemnly vow to you guys that when the time is right, if we’re blessed with another bouncing bean in the oven, I promise, you will know. Heck, we’ll be so freaking excited that there might be another t-shirt in it for Burger…
So sit tight and know that although you won’t be the first few people we tell (gotta give that privilege to the fam) you’ll definitely hear it straight from our perma-smiling mouths (er, keyboard?) if we reach that safe-to-share milestone. Until then, picture me sipping wine, eating sushi, and soaking up non-prego life as it is right now. With my sweet pooch, my nail-gun-slingin’ hubby, and my little miracle girl (who currently knows the words to nearly every Adam Levine song – seriously, try her).
Thanks so much for understanding, guys. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. And I hope you’ll be sweet to each other in the comments (everyone’s hearts are in the right place about this whole thing). Besides, this means we can all spend more time studying Princess Kate’s royal bump. Where is she hiding that baby? Seriously, can somebody tell me? My belly blocked the view of my feet by 20 weeks (see the second picture in the grid above), so I can only guess that superior lineage = superior baby-hiding prowess.
Kirsty says
It makes me sad that you even had to write this post, Sherry, but well done on handling it so gracefully and with such good humour. Hugs to you and your fam.
Renae says
If I was annoyed with people asking/suggesting/hinting that you were pregnant I can only imagine how it was for you guys. I’m sure that in as much as the closeness that FB and Instagram can seem to feel to people, UNLESS our names are Katie and Bower, we don’t truly know you and it’s none of our business. Loved this post. I think that the way people respond to things such as this are true indicators of their class. We would expect nothing less from you two!! Thanks for keeping it real.
Amber C. says
Great post, Sherry. I feel like nothing is worse than being bugged about when you are going to have a baby/get pregnant/get married. I know the question has been posed out of curiosity many times, but now that I am approaching 30 it gets tossed around more often. Maybe I’ll just forward them this post from now on :)
PS: My dog’s name is Tater Tot!
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, no way! Tell Tater Tot that Burger says hi!
xo
s
Sarah says
OH MY! I just read the entire post about Clara’s birth and I’m actually crying. I can completely understand why you’d want to wait, if you ever do choose to have another child. Best wishes to you and your family, whether you decide to make it a larger one or not. This is such a polite and kind post on the topic. It’s pretty amazing that people don’t seem to realize how rude it is to ask a woman if she’s pregnant, but you do a really beautiful job here of outlining why it’s just not okay.
Lauren says
I think you and John are wonderful parents, and Clara is a lucky little lady to be in such a loving home. I can completely understand why you may be hesitant to have another after such a terrifying birth experience. If you do, that child will be joining a wonderful family, and if not, your family is perfect just the way it is :)
Jess says
Right on, you guys are a class act. Bullet #2 RE: trying to conceive is right up my alley, so thank you for bringing attention to that one. So many ask us why we haven’t had #2 yet and they “don’t make themselves ya know….you aren’t getting any older….har har har.” People just don’t know how insensitive those questions can be. We’ve been trying for a year now with #2 and dread any social interaction with babies because the question inevitably is lobbed our way. You guys keep on keepin’ on and we’ll love you regardless of what you do or do not share. :)
Grete says
I’m SO GLAD you wrote this!
As someone who has struggled with infertility and a miscarriage in the past, those comments people would make literally drove me to tears a few times. (As if we didn’t have a baby yet because we just hadn’t thought about it or something!)
I’m amazed how you’ve handled this issue with all of your followers (on FB/InstaG/YHL comments) for this long. I think because you guys come off as such an open book in how you write and share, people feel free to say whatever they want to about your personal life.
Thank you so much for writing this post.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Grete, I’m so sorry for your loss and those comments that drove you to tears. Lots of love from VA to you and your family.
xo
s
kara k. says
i don’t ever comment, but i am a long time and avid reader! i just wanted to say that this was such a great, tactful way to handle this type of situation. i want to start my own blog and always wonder about how to handle these sorts of things. obviously it’s a sign of how much your readers love you that they are so invested in your lives, think you’re such great parents that you should have another child, etc. but it’s also SUCH a personal subject, especially with your pregnancy past. young house love is a role model for respect on the internet!
also that picture of burger SLAYED me. i mean…are you for real right now, burger?? TOO cute.
Kelly G. says
So glad you wrote this.
saVUryandsweet says
Thank you for your candor :) I will admit – with the update of Clara’s big girl room the idea did pop in my head, hmmm maybe there’s good news on the way! But hopefully this PSA eases the burden of having to explain left and right that you are not in fact preggo at the moment. My (not always so) wise husband once told me that you are never to ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless – 1: you see the baby coming out of her, or 2: she tells you herself. This has actually saved me from hot water a few times. Girl you lookin fine – enjoy that sushi, ham sammich, undercooked steak, and uninterrupted (I hope) sleep.
Callie says
Preach sista!!
Becka says
Such a lovely and gracious way to ask for a bit more privacy. It’s amazing the sheer volume of questions you field on the topic, and I love that you put a positive spin on everyone’s love and admiration for your family. Always better to assume that people mean well, but that doesn’t make the question polite or the process of dismissing it any less exhausting.
Good for you Sherry!
Julie says
Great post! Sometimes this just needs to be said. My husband and I haven’t been able to have a child and have been trying for 3 years. It can be really hurtful when people ask–even though we know they don’t mean it that way. Blessings to your wonderful family!
Tiffany says
I just have to say I am in awe of your classiness and tact. I know you must have been thinking of a way to put this for a while, but as someone who talks before thinking most of the time, I respect you even more for how you addressed this very sensitive issue.
Tiffany says
P.S. I totally thought this was a pregnancy announcement from the title of the post ;-)
jamie howe says
Nicely done…and in the time I’ve followed you not the first time you’ve addressed. I feel like this is at least the 3rd time. Sheez!!! I love you guys but really love hearing about the creative projects you take on and your sense of humor. Hopefully this puts baby drama to bed for awhile and you can focus on the other fun posts!!!
Wrenaria says
I’ve always tthought it incredibly strange how obsessed the Internet appears to be with your womb. I hope this post helps with the volume of comments!
mks says
So well said. And if you and John decide NOT to expand your family, as we did for many reasons that make perfect sense to us, people will be all over you. They’ll say what a selfish thing it is to only have one, and how that means your child will be alone in caring for you in your old age, and what if something happens to the first child, you won’t have another one. Seriously. We are a family of 3 by choice, and we’ve heard all of this. You really can’t win! Your reminder to please keep it to yourselves covers a lot of personal topics!
jana says
Really can’t understand why you feel the need to address this at all. Wow, people ask if you’re pregnant…the horror. It would seem the more you feel compelled to address it to the blogosphere, the more you stir the pot. Just let it go & live your life.
YoungHouseLove says
This just makes it nice and easy because I can link to this post (or other readers can) instead of having to respond all the time or watch folks get into long comment debates which can hijack other posts. It’s my bloggy way of nipping it in the bud nicely, which is always my aim. This is our happy place, so we like to keep the peace. :)
xo
s
Jen says
Yes, Jana, it can be a horror for many women for the very reasons Sherry outlines. I think the hundreds of comments from women who have dealt with infertility, miscarriage, and/or severe birth complications thanking Sherry for writing this are evidence that this needed to be said, and not just for Sherry’s sake. YHL reaches an incredibly large number of people; if even a handful of readers refrain from making a well-intended, but nevertheless hurtful comment to a woman because of Sherry’s words, then it was well worth putting it out there.
jenn0021 says
Thank you Sherry for writing this post. It was beautifully said and oh so important to get out there. As someone who has experienced losses and am now struggling to get pregnant, it really hurts to be asked when we’re going to have kids. I think that you handled this situation perfectly, thank you.
Sarah says
Sherry,
Clara is so lucky to have a mom like you!
xo
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Sarah! You’re so sweet.
xo
s
Tracy says
Nicely put, Sherry!
I’ve been married less than a year, but my husband and I have been together for 6 and a half years, so I get ya with the questions. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have an extended family of millions asking them though!
This is also funny timing, as earlier this week I had a dream in which I read your blog and you announced you were over 6 months pregnant, and everyone was SHOCKED. I admit I scrutinized the pictures you posted the next day, lol. :)
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, there’s NO WAY I could hide that belly! Haha!
xo
s
Amanda says
Thank you so much for posting this. I always cringed whenever someone would ask if you were pregnant or speculate in the comments. As someone who dealt with both infertility and miscarriage (and kept our struggles private), it was always a dagger to the heart every time someone would ask if I was pregnant yet or ask us when we were going to have kids. I know everyone means well, but knowing how common these issues are, people should really learn to be more sensitive and know that not everyone snaps their fingers and gets pregnant right away.
Best of luck to you two, if and when you decide to expand your family. XO
YoungHouseLove says
Thanks so much Amanda! And I’m so sorry for your loss and your struggles. Lots of love to you!
xo
s
Michelle M. says
Sheri-
I am not dating anyone. Not married. Nowhere near kids. I cant really truly relate, I know. But I’ve seen this question asked of you so many times now that I think I’m going to just copy the link to this post and post it if anyone else asks.
You and Jon and Clara and Burger are a beautiful family, and you have every right to be just the size family you are until you’re comfortable with doing something else. And if you’re never comfortable with that, that’s so awesome.
Because you guys rock.
Erin says
For the entire time between my pregnancies (2 years), people were constantly asking if I was pregnant. Or not even asking, usually asserting I must be because I never lost that baby belly. It was pretty devastating to my self esteem. Even when my baby was only a few months old I got a “One in tow, one on the way, huh?”. I usually gave a snarky, um nope, back. I did all I could to try to get rid of that weight and never could. Even now it is still there a bit. At least I’ve lost enough to not hear it anymore! I hope people will respect that your body and family are yours, and you will share when it’s appropriate!
The Norwegian Girl says
I think you did the right thing with writing this post! Good for you standing up for all those other people too whose constantly being asked whether or not they`re pregnant. I`ve never asked people if they`re pregnant, even it looks like it, because I think that if they are, they`ll tell it eventually! :-)
And I completely agree on that Kate baby bump! WHERE is it? My “sister-in-law” is about the same place in pregnancy, and she has a very obvious bump! Oh well, the royals have their own ways of doing things I guess!
shelby says
Hey guys! I’ve been reading for quite a few years now and I totally agree with this post — there are a few things that should be private for you! That being said, have you heard of MTHFR – it’s a blood clotting disorder/genetic thing (not as scary as it sounds) and could be a potential source for your totally scary complications with Clara. Just mentioning in case it helps – as its really easily treated with extra (like huge amazing amounts of extra Folic acid) and a baby aspirin (or blood thinner shots). (PS – you don’t have to make this comment public….)
Love your blog, book and all. Thanks for the awesomeness.
YoungHouseLove says
Thanks Shelby! I’m planning to get tested for those things before we try again, so it’s nice to hear you say that it’s not as scary as it sounds even if I end up having it!
xo
s
Melissa says
Sherry – THANK YOU for this post.
As an adopted child myself (my parents learned they couldn’t have kids, so my sis and I are both adopted), plus having recently helped a friend through the ups and downs of in-vitro treatments only to learn that kids aren’t an option, this post hit the nail on the head.
Children are a blessing, there’s no question. But with so many potential complications, it’s best to just sit tight and enjoy the ride of life…whatever it brings. My hubby and I are 3 years married and in our early 30s…we’ve leared how to handle this question by being honest: we’d love to be parents one day, but it’s not 100% our decision…we’ll see what life brings us, end of story.
I’ve winced at how many times you’ve stated that you’re not pregnant lately due to comments and questions…A+ for you for handling this sticky topic with such poise.
Jen says
Girl PREACH IT! Also, can I just tell you that when the morning post said that you’d be back with an extra post, I KNEW this was what it would be about. And I love you for it… virtual hugs, seriously.
I have been trying to politely find a way to tell many people this very thing for the past 6 months. Especially when you are trying and it’s been taking longer than you thought, because it makes the situation even more uncomfortable and upsetting. I NEVER have asked anyone that question and don’t understand why people think it’s free reign for them to know. Obviously I have some pretty strong feelings about it at this point :) You go do your thang and keep it to yourself, it’s your right!
And as always, I’ll leave it with you guys are seriously awesome! I’ve been reading for, gosh what, probably 4 or so years, never lived in an actual “house” during that time and still read because y’all are so great!
Ash says
On the topic of enjoying prego-free life, I always think about how Clara is such a rockstar sleeper. My husband and I were DIY crazy for 2 straight years until our son was born. For 10 months he woke up every 2 hours without fail. Let me tell you, house projects take a hit when you are so tired you can’t see straight! So just enjoy your house and your free time while Clara snoozes away…I have fingers crossed my little man will do that someday (14 months and counting and still no sleeping through the night) :)
YoungHouseLove says
Aw, I hope sleep-filled nights are in your future Ash!
xo
s
nerdycat says
Nice, positive post.
I am married to my husband for 8 years now. We don’t have any kids. I get asked about when we will have kids so often that I want to strangle whoever asks me such questions (like it’s anyone’s business).
With the popularity of your site, I can’t imagine how many times you have to deal with the pregnancy topic PUBLICALLY. To write a post like this (without a shred of annoyance and spitefulness) to set people’s inquisitiveness (or intrusiveness) straight must take a lot of patience and well meaning. So my thumbs are waay up for you.
… And I love that Burger.
Leslie says
Mucho love to all of you! My best friend and I are bemoaning the fact that every time we get a cold, our mothers always pounce with the questions. I’ve only been married 8 months, and my friend 2 and it is already getting old. I can’t imagine what its like with the whole world in that conversation. Not that you need my opinion, but that was a truly classy post.
I love your blog and all of the inspiration you provide everyday. :-)
Jazmin says
Love this Sherry! Although when I saw you in Dallas West Elm store you looked so skinny! Why would people even ask you?! I think the timing.. but I struggled with that question for a couple of years. We have an 8 year old and a 6 year old and a lab… So we are done! I don’t want more, capped out and cannot think of another bean! I admire those with a ton of kids but that is not me. Anyway, being Latina and Mormon to boot, it’s not common to only have two.. So, I finally said to family & friends: The day I get a dog, that is that day I’m done! So, people don’t ask anymore and it’s been nice!
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, I love that response!
xo
s
Michelle M. says
And I spelled “Sheri” like a professor of mine instead of “Sherry” like you. Oops. Sorry!
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, no worries! I don’t even notice that since my name can be spelled so many ways!
xo
s
Liz says
Power to you for writing this post – getting/being pregnant is such a personal & layered issue and hopefully this provides readers with a wider frame of reference. Also—COMPLETELY agree on Kate’s superior baby-hiding prowess and I laughed out loud when you typed “thanks burrito!” Haha – keepin’ it real like a champ.
Cindy Riddle.com says
Thank you so much for all that you share. Posts like this keep me from feeling so jealous over your awesome mention in the new PotteryBarn Catalogue. :-)
I have four sisters and we all had difficulty conceiving. I remember my older sister after several years of trying, falling apart during a news story about a teenager at prom ditching her newborn in the dumpster.
Many surgeries and years later her baby was at my wedding. The strength of my sisters who NEVER brought it up, got me through the ‘innocent’ comments and questions of the next 10 years.
I now have been blessed with 2 beautiful daughters. I may be the oldest parent on field trips, but I also know how precious a gift they are and am able to stay home with them.
I love how much fun you find in each project, and how you keep teaching us a little something along the way. Congratulations on your well deserved success!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw that’s such a sweet story Cindy. Lots of love to you and your family.
xo
s
Liz says
I never read the comments, so the chatter came as a bit of a surprise until I went back and read even the last post’s comments section. Holy. Cow. You guys are really brave to share your lives with the interwebs! You’ve given a lot of people the boost to tackle projects that enable them to create a home they love–that’s what strikes me when I read your posts (and how strikingly adorable Burger is). Thank you for sharing!
Liz says
As someone who had a high risk last 4 months of pregnancy (emergency surgery to keep baby in and 4 mo. bed rest, holla!), plus 2 early miscarriages, I always cringe a little when you get (lovingly) inundated with pregnancy questions. I’m probably overly sensitive, but you just never know if someone’s been trying for months or years with no luck, if they just miscarried, or maybe they’re deciding whether or not they’re even going to have another baby. Pregnancy and pregnancy planning isn’t always a bed of roses for many women, not to mention, it’s just plain private!! Good for you for posting this!
YoungHouseLove says
I’m so sorry for your loss Liz.
xo
s
Kylie says
I’m sorry you guys had to do this post. People are rude.
Kristen @ LoveK Blog says
You are so polite and patient dealing with all these questions! And, I love waiting to see Princess Kate’s bump! A Royal baby is SO EXCITING!!
Personally, I haven’t ever attempted to get pregnant yet but since we’ve been married almost 7 years this is considered ridiculous by most people we know. Now when people ask if I’m preggo, I say “nope, just getting fat” then they feel awkward too! That’ll teach you to MYOB! :P
Ashley S says
Well said! I admire you for requesting privacy. My husband and I have been married for 3 years and have been asked when we were going to have kids since our wedding day! Seriously friends and family came up to congratulate us and asked if we were going to get started… HELLO PERSONAL!
I’m always tempted to follow it up with an equally personal question but can never bring myself to do it. :-)
Rachel says
I was a very complicated and painful pregnancy and delivery. My parents are asked to this day why they only had one child (which I always found really insulting-what’s wrong with just me?!?). My mom decided that the risks just weren’t worth it, she was happy with the one ultimately healthy baby she had. I LOVE being an only child, I have never felt like something was missing and I never asked for a sibling. I cherish the family dynamic I had as an only child. I really think it’s rude to assume a) that someone wants more than one child or b) that if you have only one child they will become self-centred and spoiled. It’s totally not true.
Maria says
Hi there! I just wanted to thank you for writing such a beautiful post. I’m a pretty recent newlywed (just celebrated a year this past October), and I’ve been getting so many questions about when we’re going to start a family. I know people mean well, but it can be uncomfortable at times, too. Your post today is so beautifully written, honest, and generous–thank you!
~ Maria ~
YoungHouseLove says
Aw, you’re welcome Maria! Thanks to everyone for the sweetness today. You guys rock.
xo
s
Erin @ The Great Indoors says
Bravo for your tactful and polite (yet firm) approach to this. And I’m so glad to read in the comments that everyone agrees with you (personally, I’m on board with not asking until the sweet baby is in the world). I think some folks don’t think about how dangerous childbirth still is, or they want to live vicariously through watching your child. My hubby and I have been married about four years, and we’ve started getting questions about when we’re having kids. My answer? When we’re good and ready, thankyouverymuch.
Emily says
Can I just say that print dress you’re wearing in the collage above is gorgeous? Love that color on you! And I really love the title of this post.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Emily! That was from Target (their maternity line, I forget the woman’s name). So comfy!
xo
s
Kimberly says
What a great post, Sherry! And in regards to Kate’s non-showing pregnant belly, it is definitely because she is tall! I had a friend who was due 3 weeks after me but she looked 3 months further along than me.. not fair! My friends joke I could give birth without even knowing I was pregnant since I barely show. That doesn’t mean I don’t wish for a huge “look at me I’m prego belly”. :D
Laura says
Very well said Sherry! I feel your pain…I get asked ‘when are you guys going to have some kids?’ or ‘why are you waiting so long?’ <—seriously?!?! It is straight-up annoying if you ask me. You are so classy and well-spoken, Sherry. I finally got to the point when one of MIL's friends asked me for the hundreth time when we were going to have a baby I said, "You know, I don't know what's taking so long. We 'do it' ALL THE TIME…like all the time, you wouldn't believe how much, I'm so tired!…so I can't figure out why I'm not pregnant. What do you think we should do? You have three kids, do you have any pointers on a position or two we should try to get the job done?" You ask a uber-personal question, you get an uber-personal answer.
Sarah says
This was very well said and a good reminder to all. We struggled with infertility but kept it private as a personal matter. The endless string of “sooo…when are you guys going to have a kid?” questions become so painful and annoying. Our standard answer became “when they go on sale!” We adopted twin babies this fall. Now the standard comment seems to be “Oh! I didn’t realize you were pregnant!” or “You don’t even look like you had one kid, let alone two!” Given that we’re caucasian and our kids are African American it’s hard to contain the eye rolls :)
Heather says
You are awesome! Plain and simple!
Mara says
Amen! These questions start the day after you get married and I’m pretty sure never stop. Before we were ready to announce my pregnancy I hated being put in the position of having to lie and getting irritated about something I was so excited about. Now, I’m getting ready for the day after I give birth for people to start asking me when I’m having another one ;)
Danielle says
I love kids and was a nanny for a couple years, but it’s just not apart of the plan for me and my hubby. My husband and I have been married for a 3 years now. Our families and strangers have been asking since day one when we plan to have kids. We have tried to be honest with them, but all we ever get it “oh you’ll change your mind” or “why do you hate children”. So I understand your annoyance from the inquisition. I think you 4 are amazing and no one should rush you into expanding your family. Also you are in great shape!