And now for a bonus Friday afternoon post (aw yeah, I’m a rebel without a cause). Every day on average I get about five readers either asking if I’m pregnant or straight up “calling it” via comments, email, twitter, pinterest, instagram, or carrier pigeon. Which adds up to answering that question – and crushing the dreams of those calling it – around 150 times a month, and a whopping 1,800 times in the last year. The prego-chatter has even hijacked a few comment threads on posts about non-uterus-y topics like room updates and tour infographics. Holy bump-watch, batman! We haven’t seen one of those around here since 2010.
First I’ll get one little detail out of the way: I’m not pregnant. My womb is currently uninhabited.
It’s actually really cool that so many people are excited about the possibility of us expanding this little family of ours. But with the complications of my past (here’s Clara’s birth story for more on that) nothing is guaranteed. My next pregnancy will be high risk and my next child will have a 25% chance of the same life-threatening complication that Clara had. So that definitely contributes to our timing and our general state of mind with regard to any potential bun in the oven. And sometimes all the “you’re prego!” guesses can be a little tough to field day in and day out.
I completely understand that all the excited folks who are inquiring don’t mean any harm (in fact I feel like I should be hugging you while typing this, seriously I love you guys) but in general I think asking someone if they’re pregnant can be a little dicey…
- It can suggest that you think they’ve gained weight (sometimes I have a tummy – thanks burrito! – but it’s not a baby)
- It can unintentionally sadden someone who has had trouble getting pregnant or has miscarried (neither of which I’ve personally encountered up to this point, but I certainly could moving forward)
- It can put them in an uncomfortable position if they are pregnant, but aren’t ready to announce it (which eventually could happen to me for sure)
So this little uterus-centric service announcement is just to solemnly vow to you guys that when the time is right, if we’re blessed with another bouncing bean in the oven, I promise, you will know. Heck, we’ll be so freaking excited that there might be another t-shirt in it for Burger…
So sit tight and know that although you won’t be the first few people we tell (gotta give that privilege to the fam) you’ll definitely hear it straight from our perma-smiling mouths (er, keyboard?) if we reach that safe-to-share milestone. Until then, picture me sipping wine, eating sushi, and soaking up non-prego life as it is right now. With my sweet pooch, my nail-gun-slingin’ hubby, and my little miracle girl (who currently knows the words to nearly every Adam Levine song – seriously, try her).
Thanks so much for understanding, guys. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. And I hope you’ll be sweet to each other in the comments (everyone’s hearts are in the right place about this whole thing). Besides, this means we can all spend more time studying Princess Kate’s royal bump. Where is she hiding that baby? Seriously, can somebody tell me? My belly blocked the view of my feet by 20 weeks (see the second picture in the grid above), so I can only guess that superior lineage = superior baby-hiding prowess.
Karen Little says
Loved, loved this post. I have never understood just why people feel the need to ask such personal questions. Like for instance, after I’d dealt with breast cancer, some would ask, “Do you smoke?” or some such question. I told them I’d never smoked or drank or any other (potentially)risky thing, but what if I HAD? Then what would they have said? Guess people can be rude, ignorant (and we’re all ignorant on some topics) or happily clueless.
Another time in my life, after we’d lost my brother because of suicide, a woman at my church asked me how he’d done it! Imagine that. I just replied that I wasn’t going to talk with her about that in as kind a way I could. I am so glad that you addressed this in such a sweet way, in your usual, grace-filled way, Sherry. You wrote this just right. :)
YoungHouseLove says
Eeks! I can’t believe you’d get those questions! I have nothing but admiration for you.
xo
s
Barbara says
awesome lessons in decoration AND tact! You dealt so sweetly with a difficult topic ! respect :)
rachael says
I am SO glad you wrote this. Every time I see that question in the comments I want to reach through my screen and poke that person in the eye. Do people in this world not think anymore??? For starters, do people really think you are going to reply, “Why, yes, I am pregnant! Thanks for reminding me to write a post about it!” And another thing, there is something called secondary infertility, and it is a very real thing, and it is none of our business. And lastly, what if you decide that you love your little family the way it is? Thats also none of our business. This blog is about DIY and home improvement, not whether or not you’re trying to conceive.
We should all be so grateful that you even allow us to see so much into your life already. I love you guys, I love this blog, I love your book and I am happy I get to come here every day to be inspired. Have a great weekend!
Christina M. says
Forever classy. It’s good to remind people that if you wouldn’t ask the question in person then you shouldn’t ask it on the internet. Sad thing – I think most people have forgotten that’s not something you should ask about anyway…..
Amy S says
Sherry – I hope that people really take this to heart and leave you alone. Even better, I hope anyone who reads your post will now realize that they should stop asking ANYONE if they are pregnant. I am one of the many people who had fertility problems, and all the baby talk is just awful sometimes. Plus, even when everything is a-ok for someone on that front, it is a private and personal matter for them to share when they are ready. Even if I am pretty sure that a friend or coworker is pregnant, I act surprised when they tell me the news. It’s the polite thing to do.
Johanna says
I love this post. I think it was long overdue, but so necessary…I don’t know how you handled it so graciously, but bravo.. You’re awesome sherdog. Sending virtual hugs your way! :)
candicemcc says
I didn’t start reading until Clara was already here so let me just say that you were a super cute pregnant lady. Second, like so many before me have already said, you did a lovely job with this post. I have fallen into category #3 and so many friends into #2…you’re right on. Preach it, Sista!
Katie says
My family gets on me about this all the time and I’m not even married! Although I have a big family, it’s nothing compared to the thousands of people who come through here everyday. Way to keep it classy, Sherry.
Emily says
I don’t mean to sound at all patronizing, but ‘well done Sherry’. Well done for getting through that awful/marvelous day, well done for enjoying your little miracle girl the way you do, well done for gracefully asking your readers to be mindful of their comments. The work you and John do, though you make it look like a ton of fun, must come with it’s stressors…but you two handle it with style. Those after-a-tough-delivery pregnancies are pretty anxiety-riddled (been there, done that, have 3 healthy kids to prove it, thank god) so I empathize in advance if you go that route… Hang in there and please keep up the good work–I enjoy every entry you two blog and this past one can only further boost your supporters!
Erica says
Excellent PSA, thank you!!
I am so sorry you were put in the position of needing to write this, but I hope it will help more people think before they speak. As a not-quite-so-newlywed in my mid-30s, I feel like I am on everyone’s “baby watch”. It’s exhausting and none of your damn business!
Aaron says
I have to say that this is the most touching way to talk about such a difficult topic. It just goes to reinforce my insane idea that you guys are my pretend BFFs. You guys rule.
Whitney says
You have no idea how much I appreciate this post and the grace with which you wrote it. My husband and I are the ONLY couple in our group of friends that doesn’t have kids yet. And I can’t even tell you the number of comments we receive at least on a weekly basis from friends and family about why we don’t have kids. I think the one that gets to me the most is, “so, do you not like kids or something”? Are you kidding me? The hurt that I feel about the comments that people make and the continual asking brings me to tears some days. I start to question our decisions and reasons on the days that it’s really hard. Most of the time I know that God will place that desire in our hearts when the time is right, but there are times when I start to question if that desire will ever be there and I question God which then makes me upset with myself that I would ever begin to question God and his timing. I feel like it’s this circle that could stop if the questioning just stopped, but I haven’t figured out how to politely say that to people because I don’t want them to feel awkward around us or feel pity for us. I know their intentions are good and I honestly believe they don’t realize how hurtful it is sometimes.
Jennifer says
What a great message and done with such class! On the other hand it’s a bummer it had to be written in the first place. I suffered two miscarriages and was heartbroken-questions about whether we were going to have more kids brought the pain back. My last one was this August and I have to thank you and your lovely blog for helping me get through it. I didn’t want to talk to anyone but didn’t want to feel alone so I checked your blog every day and it helped me to feel better. I wanted to send you a thank you before but didn’t know how- your post gave me the opportunity! Thank you and your sweet family for being awesome!
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Jennifer I’m so sorry for your loss and so happy if our blog helped you in some small way during that time.
xo
s
Tina Bland says
I recently mentioned this in my blog too! Some people just don’t realize that you shouldn’t ever ask the question “Are you preggo?” YIKES! It should be taught in school somewhere! No, thank you…thanks for calling me fat or something;) This is a great post and I am totes gonna share it!! Thanks:)
Wendy T says
One of my favorite jokes, “My grandma kept asking ‘When are you going to get married? All your friends are getting married! So I asked her, ‘When are you going to break your hip? All your friends are breaking their hips!'”.
Anna says
YES! That is awesome!
Robin says
I so appreciate this post! When my husband and I were trying to get pregnant (it took awhile) I nearly broke into tears every time someone asked me when we were going to have a baby or if I was already pregnant. Then, I miscarried my first and my second was born at 24 weeks due to severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome…and he only lived 4 days. So, all this non-stop talk of babies everywhere truly can be heartbreaking. I guess people who have an easy time of it don’t realize, but it can definitely hurt! Thanks for putting this out there.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Robin, I’m so so sorry for your loss. What a gut-wrenching thing to go through. Sending you so much love from VA!
xo
s
Jessica says
Beautifully written. I for one have been asked one too many times myself, not nearly the amount of times as you have (dear Lord).. As as someone else once said to me, “let’s just all agree to never ask that question ever, even if the woman is being wheeled into delivery”.
Kiera Jenness says
Good for you! I can’t imagine what it must be like to have constant questions about your state-o-preo-ness!!! We are all cheering for your family, either with another baby one day, or not. : )
Jenna says
Good for you for finally just politely telling people to back off. I imagine that must get so annoying, especially since we know you would tell us when the time is right! Don’t these people know you’re over sharers, not secret keepers?
Alana says
Sherry, I just wanted to let you know I have never thought you looked pregnant (well, except when you were!). With how busy you guys are, I sometimes can’t believe how thin and healthy you guys look! I don’t see how anyone can think your prego. It must be wishful thinking as everything you post about Clara is so great, readers just want more ;)
Emily says
I don’t know if you’ll read this but I Have to comment.
The overhead lighting throws a shadow that makes it look like you photoshopped a baby bump out of the first picture! It just lines right up :)
YoungHouseLove says
Hahah, that’s so funny! That’s actually John’s arm shadow I think (he was taking the picture). Hilarious!!
xo
s
Rebecca says
THANK YOU! If only this could be broadcast like the testing of the “emergency response system”.
I’ve been getting asked when we are going to have our second weekly it seems. Little do they know we have been trying for months.
YoungHouseLove says
Bleeeeeeeeep bleeeeeeep this is an emergeny uterus broadcast… bleeeeep bleeeep! Sorry I couldn’t help it. And I’m sending you lots of love and well wishes for your future bambino!
xo
s
Ami V says
I kinda want to copy and paste this and post it on Facebook, and then mail it to my family.
*i wont, but its tempting*
YoungHouseLove says
Hahah!
xo
s
Katie says
You have handled this with so much grace. For every woman who has ever been asked this question, thank you!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw you’re welcome Katie! Thanks to all of you for being so sweet today.
xo
s
Sherri says
Thank you for posting this. I’m 15 weeks along with our first and we just announced it. We just weren’t ready. Some people were offended we hadn’t told them, but I agree with you. It’s my body.
This post was so well written. Kind and firm. Being that I so appreciate how you put this…
Did you have people touch your belly? What did you say if it was uninvited?
I had someone touch my belly last week and miss to the south! Awkward much!
YoungHouseLove says
I was a weirdo and I actually didn’t mind belly touches when I was prego. The first person to do it was actually a Home Depot employee who is like a friend at this point and I loved it! Hahah! But I’m so weird, and have tons of friends who didn’t like it. One friend of mine would put her hand on her own belly if she thought someone would grab it, sort of visually blocking it and said that seemed to work sometimes :)
xo
s
steph o says
As someone who has been trying to have a baby for a year, and just had Clomid fail to help, I want to thank you for posting this. You are so much sweeter and more patient than I would ever be able to be, especially since you’ve been so open with the trauma of Clara’s birth. I’ve been cringing on your behalf at the pregnancy speculation comments. I seriously want to print this post out and distribute it to every coworker who tells me I’ve been married for a while and should really start having kids. Thank you again for being so awesome and once again I am so sorry that you have had to endure all this.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Steph. And the best of luck with everything!
xo
s
steph o says
So….I am sure no one will ever read this, but I am now pregnant!!! It’s super early so we are telling no one but I had to spill the beans somewhere so I figured I might as well post it here, the only place online where I admitted to my infertility issues. WOO HOO! Thanks again for this post, I’ve actually used the points you’ve made as a deflector for curious people who ask why I’m avoiding wine / not picking up heavy boxes / sleeping a ton / etc. :)
YoungHouseLove says
Congrats Steph!!
xo,
s
Tim says
Way to handle an awkward situation with a combination of honesty and humor. I’m sure you’ve been told a million times… your writing skills are off the chart. And your middle name should be “Grace.”
YoungHouseLove says
Funny story: when Clara was born after all the scares and craziness we introduced John’s mom and dad to her along with my parents and for the first few days John’s dad just kept calling Clara Grace. It was hilarious because she was named after his own mom (Clara!) so it’s not an easy thing to forget. The only thing I can come up with is that we all associated her delivery with “Grace” – it’s still a joke to this day that he called her the wrong name- but in so many ways that name fits perfectly too.
xo
s
Kimberly says
I know how you feel Sherry! My daughter is not even 14 months old yet and people have already been asking when baby #2 is on the way! 1 or 2 people have even gone so far as to suggest that I’m pregnant. (sigh) It’s pretty annoying, I’m not sure how you always remain so nice and polite each time it happens to you. Way to address this subject so delicately!
Emily says
So classy and polite. :)
Cecile Blake says
Well done Sherry, that must have been a tough post to write. You have done it with such grace. All the best to your family
Brittany W. says
Sherry, I’m so sorry for you. I wish I could just give you a hug to make it better!
I had a seemingly opposite experience with my pregnancy. When I was pregnant with my son (now nearly 6 months old) I kept getting comments daily such as “there’s no way you could be pregnant” or “you’re not nearly big enough to be that far along”. This was all the way until I gave birth! They may have been well-intentioned trying to give a compliment, but I couldn’t see my feet, was noticeably bloated, and had been wearing maternity clothing since 16 weeks. It just made me feel fat and unattractive. I was VERY noticeably pregnant and all of those comments really made me self-conscious. Because of that I think I missed the whole “glowing” aspect of pregnancy.
It’s amazing how people (even the ones with the best of intentions) can assume that their curiosity and their opinions outweigh someone else’s privacy and feelings.
I hope this issue gets better for you! When and if you and John announce that you are expanding your family with another bean, I for one will be praying the whole time for a healthy mamma and healthy baby.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks so much Brittany, you’re so sweet.
xo
s
Jane Nelson says
Aw, Sherry, I’m sorry you have to deal with the pregnancy questions and guesses all the time. We struggled very much to get pregnant the first time. We have a beautiful little boy now, and we are so super blessed to have him. But we also get the guesses that I’m pregnant again (um, no, I just gained 5 lbs because I like cake, thankyouverymuch) or the questions about when we’ll have our next. I know people mean well, but it is painful. We’d love another child, but we are very aware we might not be able to. I have to suck it up and say, “not yet! It’ll still be a little while for us!” all the while I’m trying not to cry. So . . . I feel your pain. :( I appreciate your tact in asking people to lock up the pregnancy questions. You’re a classy lady, Sherry. :)
Kristen | Popcorn on the Stove says
Well said! I’ve always felt that asking someone if they’re pregnant was taboo – kind of like asking someone how much money they make or their weight.
My husband’s family keeps asking us when we’re having a baby (mostly because all of his cousins – who are all a bit older than us – are having kids) and it drives me mad. No one seems to realize that we’re trying to be responsible by paying off student debt and saving a nice nest egg.
Kathy says
Kristen, I couldn’t agree with you more! My husband and I are not well off and we have a lot of debt that we’re trying to pay down/off. I’ve never wanted kids anyway, so the fact that it costs so much to have/raise them is an added deterrant for me. I wonder why people feel the need to ask others “Why aren’t you having kids” but no one ever asks an mother “Why did you have kids”?
Blaire says
I’m so glad you wrote this post. I have so many friends who have struggled to get pregnant, had miscarriages, not wanted to tell for any number of reasons, and were inwardly crushed with each are you expecting question. You and your family are so lovely. I feel like I know you and have taken your recommendations on everything from cloth diapering (we love bumgenius) to lighting. Thank you again.
Maureen says
My former students used to ask occasionally. I had grace for them, they were 12 years old and those were the exact 3 reasons I used to explain to them why they should never ask a woman if she’s pregnant.
Here is a convo I had with an ADMINISTRATOR a few months ago:
Her: “I just have to ask, are you pregnant?”
Me: “No, are you calling me fat?”
Her: “No… your face…. just looks different.”
Me: “Are you saying my face looks fat?”
Her: “No… just different.”
Me: <>”Oh right, I must be gloooowing.”
Not once during that conversation did it register on her face how inappropriate (and possibly illegal??) that question is. I wanted to tell her that if I were preggo, she was one step above facebook in terms of finding out.
Thanks for your tactful response to the issue. Well said.
Gilit says
You were, as always: gracious, sweet, and funny. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to have people think they have a right to know everything about you. You handle it with grace and aplomb,
But the main reason I commented is because I just noticed the “teen angst-y” thing on the bottom and I laughed out loud. Farts are almost always funny.
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, it’s true! We had to draw the line somewhere… why not at farts?! Haha!
xo
s
Christie says
This is a very smart post! I had lost a very, very early pregnancy, gained weight from stress and hormones, and been informed we would probably never conceive(almost all three of your points, right?)… when a co-worker exclaimed LOUDLY in the hallway… “YOU’RE PREGNANT!!!!” Uhm, no. But, thanks. Yeah. I realize that it was said out of love and excitement, but it was a tough moment for me. Some things are better left unsaid.
AnnMarie says
Classy as usual….you go girl – errr, lady!
AnnMarie says
I sorta know how you feel (minus the public eye). My husband and I got married at 29, which was a little over a year ago. Most of our friends have little ones running around by now. We also work together…so it feels like our lives are a little “on display” (if that makes sense). The most upsetting part is having my/our age referenced as though we’re going to implode if we don’t start popping out babies right.this.minute!
Lisa says
I was one of the commenters on one of your last posts where someone asked you (or rather commented on your womb weirdly enough) and I and some other people were pretty hard on that commenter. I am grateful for this post and am amazed how well-written it is and how classy and graceful you said what needed to be said. I am seven weeks pregnant and still need time to cope with it myself, it’s my second child and it just happened. Since I know (for two weeks now) I’ve been asked threee times when we were going to have a second child. I wish I could put a post like this on a poster and wear it around my neck. :)
All the best to you and your wonderful family. Enjoy the happy times and the wine. :)
sophie says
High risk is hard. It’s scary. It can leave permanent health issues. and it’s no fun.
I’ve been there. Twice. And I wouldn’t have gone for a second round if I hadn’t been told by my midwife and OB/GYN that the same complication was highly unlikely to occur again. As it happened, it did occur again, only it was much worse. And while both kiddos are healthy, I have a permanent health problem as a result. It will never go away.
So I can empathize with the real concerns about what to do, how to do it, when to do it and what it means for your body, your health and your family.
I’m not even sure why it’s anyone’s business if you’re pregnant or if you’re even planning a family. It’s between you and your partner and you should never have to justify those decisions.
take care.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Sophie, that sounds so scary, I’m so glad your kiddos are healthy and I’m sending you lots of love.
xo
s
Erin says
Oh Sherry, you have every right to bite people’s heads off. It says a lot of amazing things about you that you don’t! People are well intentioned, but we all know what road good intentions pave. Anyway I can totally relate.
Hugs!
Chelsea says
I couldn’t agree more about the need to tread lightly when discussing other people’s [possible] babies. Mine came from the side of an unplanned pregnancy. Lots and lots of, “Oh, how long have you been married?! Are you excited? Was it an accident?” Just weird questions to ask a person, haha. I’m happy you felt comfortable enough to address it with all your readers.
In other news, I think that last picture of you three might be my favorite ever. That’s the real reason I commented.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Chelsea!
xo
s
Gia says
When I was pregnant with my 2nd last year, a coworker asked me if I was expecting. I was, but it was WAY too early to announce it at work and after a very difficult 1st pregnancy/delivery and a miscarriage, I surely didn’t want to share the news so early. It is just rude to ask the question, period. You’ve handled this with such class and I wish you all the best!!
Alex says
Hi Sherry, Good on you for this post! And hey, it’s annoying for us followers too to constantly see people bringing up the preggo comments – obviously not as annoying as it is for you! – but yeah. Seriously people.
I have kind of a personal question – feel free not to answer it. I was wondering how and when you and John knew you wanted kid(s)? Is being a parent something you both knew you always wanted? Or was it something you suddenly decided you wanted and went for? And why did you both want to give up your independent lives to have a child?
I’m 28 (I think the age you were when you had Clara?), and it’s so difficult for me to imagine having a baby right now. But I don’t know that I won’t want one in the future – I guess it’s just…how do you know?
YoungHouseLove says
I think we knew we eventually wanted a family but just waited for that “riiiight now” desire to pop up (we were happy to put it off a few years after we got married). Then we met a friend’s child (went right into the hospital to visit after the birth) and it was that drive home where we both were like “wait a minute, we can do this… I think we’re ready! Let’s do it!” – I think you’ll know when the time is right if you ever get that feeling, and if you don’t I would never force it or guilt yourself about it. It’s funny how the heart tells us things about people in our lives and even future people to come :)
xo
s
Marsha says
Wonderful and well written. I personally struggled with endometrosis that started at age 11 and had to have several surgeries throughout the years…I got married (to the most wonderful man in the world!) at 31 and we ventured into the scary world of infertility doctors…we were blessed with a ‘spontaneous’ pregnancy after stopping fertility treatments (miracle baby and greatest blessing of our life!). All of that said you think I would have learned how hard it is to hear ‘are you pregnant yet’…it wasn’t until I had to have an emergency hysterectomy last winter that I learned how devastating this question can be. People now ask constantly when we will be having a second…ummm “I CAN’T” is what I want to scream at people who won’t just let me smile and say that we are just having one. I feel like my permanent smile and we are ‘just having one’ comment is always on my face. Pregancy is not a given and more than one child is not a given…hopefully those who are blessed enough not to struggle with fertility/difficult pregancies can be a little more sensitive to those of who do.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Marsha, I’m so sorry for your struggles. Sending you lots of love!
xo
s
Lisa says
Classy to the nth degree, Sherry. And your points about why asking is dicey are SO on target. Very, very well done.
Have a great weekend with your perfect, happy family!
amanda says
Thank you for tackling this issue! I do not understand why this is such a hard concept for people to accept. As soon as we got married we have been inundated by well meaning friends repeatedly asking that question each time we see them. There are so many personal factors that are involved with pregnancy including fertility, emotional preparedness/willingness, financial stability that I am shocked people are so eager to overstep their bounds. Most people would find it appalling to ask how much someone earns or inquire about someone’s menses regularity. Hope this post raises the dogooders awareness that their questions can be causing their loved one unintended disquiet.
Laurie says
First, it has been YEARS since I have been brave enough to have my bare tummy photographed in profile so you are my hero for that alone! And I know people mean well but honestly some of the questions I used to get drove me nuts. We have four daughters. Our 3 older girls are close in age but our 4th daughter is 14 years younger than our oldest. Which led to: 1) Were you trying for a boy? NO! 2) Are all your kids from the same guy? (Did you just call me a slut?) And yes they are all from the same guy! 3) How did this happen? Seriously, at your age do I need to tell you “well when two people love each other…..” I tried to be good humored about it but people who know me well already knew the answer to these questions, which means that the questions really came from near strangers or people I did NOT consider friends, particularly after the rude questions. Sigh. Well I will be excited for you IF and WHEN you are pregnant and decide to share it with the huddled masses yearning for news from the womb.
Leslie says
Well said! After 8 years of infertility, I couldn’t agree more! We were finally blessed with our little boy 7 years ago, but it was sometimes so hard to deal with questions and comments from others.
Beth says
I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this. What crazy people the world harbors. I do not have any dreams of taking your fears away, but I do want to share that I had a placental abruption with number two and I’m 25 weeks pregnant with number eight and have never had the slightest hint of anything like that again. I know that doesn’t change ANYTHING but I hope it gives you hope if you choose to have another child in the future. Either way you go, you guys have an amazing family.