And now for a bonus Friday afternoon post (aw yeah, I’m a rebel without a cause). Every day on average I get about five readers either asking if I’m pregnant or straight up “calling it” via comments, email, twitter, pinterest, instagram, or carrier pigeon. Which adds up to answering that question – and crushing the dreams of those calling it – around 150 times a month, and a whopping 1,800 times in the last year. The prego-chatter has even hijacked a few comment threads on posts about non-uterus-y topics like room updates and tour infographics. Holy bump-watch, batman! We haven’t seen one of those around here since 2010.
First I’ll get one little detail out of the way: I’m not pregnant. My womb is currently uninhabited.
It’s actually really cool that so many people are excited about the possibility of us expanding this little family of ours. But with the complications of my past (here’s Clara’s birth story for more on that) nothing is guaranteed. My next pregnancy will be high risk and my next child will have a 25% chance of the same life-threatening complication that Clara had. So that definitely contributes to our timing and our general state of mind with regard to any potential bun in the oven. And sometimes all the “you’re prego!” guesses can be a little tough to field day in and day out.
I completely understand that all the excited folks who are inquiring don’t mean any harm (in fact I feel like I should be hugging you while typing this, seriously I love you guys) but in general I think asking someone if they’re pregnant can be a little dicey…
- It can suggest that you think they’ve gained weight (sometimes I have a tummy – thanks burrito! – but it’s not a baby)
- It can unintentionally sadden someone who has had trouble getting pregnant or has miscarried (neither of which I’ve personally encountered up to this point, but I certainly could moving forward)
- It can put them in an uncomfortable position if they are pregnant, but aren’t ready to announce it (which eventually could happen to me for sure)
So this little uterus-centric service announcement is just to solemnly vow to you guys that when the time is right, if we’re blessed with another bouncing bean in the oven, I promise, you will know. Heck, we’ll be so freaking excited that there might be another t-shirt in it for Burger…
So sit tight and know that although you won’t be the first few people we tell (gotta give that privilege to the fam) you’ll definitely hear it straight from our perma-smiling mouths (er, keyboard?) if we reach that safe-to-share milestone. Until then, picture me sipping wine, eating sushi, and soaking up non-prego life as it is right now. With my sweet pooch, my nail-gun-slingin’ hubby, and my little miracle girl (who currently knows the words to nearly every Adam Levine song – seriously, try her).
Thanks so much for understanding, guys. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. And I hope you’ll be sweet to each other in the comments (everyone’s hearts are in the right place about this whole thing). Besides, this means we can all spend more time studying Princess Kate’s royal bump. Where is she hiding that baby? Seriously, can somebody tell me? My belly blocked the view of my feet by 20 weeks (see the second picture in the grid above), so I can only guess that superior lineage = superior baby-hiding prowess.
Cheri a in iowa says
Well dealt! I have felt for you so on this issue!
Sally says
I just have to comment on this post – right on, Sherry! It’s no one’s business until you choose to tell them what’s going on.
Although I’m sure it’s nowhere near as painful as what some of the other commenters have gone through, I get really irritated when people ask me when my hubby and I are having kids. I’ve told my entire family that I don’t want kids for the last 5 years, and the hubs and I haven’t even been married for a year yet (and I’m only 25!), but as soon as I say that, the conversation goes like this:
– Are you sure?
– You’re so young, you’ll change your mind. (Really, gee, thanks for telling me so now I know what I want?!)
– But you have to have kids!
– You’re smart and successful, you’re the type of person who should have kids! The world needs parents like you.
– (variation on #3) Society needs people like you to have kids!
After watching one friend get pregnant way too early and make the hard decision to adopt her child out, and watching other friends struggle with miscarriages, infertility, etc. I’m fully on board the just-don’t-ask train.
Johanna P says
I definitly get a lot of those comments like you, especially the, ‘but you would make great parents’ and, ‘you would have such cute babies!’.
I’ve started telling people it takes a villiage to raise a child and I’m going to be part of that villiage by being an awesome aunt. I’ll be able to give the parents s break, enrich a child’s life and still be able to have the lifestyle I want.
Icecream for dinner! Woo!
Courtney says
The reason you are so successful is because you are creative, hard working, and above all, kind genuine people. It comes through in all of your posts; especially this one. Well said and rock on.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks so much Courtney. You guys are the best readers ever – so we’re acutely aware that we’d never be here without you guys.
xo
s
Bianca says
Well said. I’m an ob/gyn resident and 25 weeks pregnant. The baby is having complications and at one point I did not think the pregnancy would carry to term. My nosy coworkers, not friends, continuously ask me like nothing. Never had a conversation with me about anything, but feel entitled to ask me such a personal question. During that time it would bring up a painful reminder and I was not ready to announce anything at that time, especially to a nosy coworker before my own grandmother. Thank you for your post. It gave me ideas of how to express myself without expletives. Lol
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Bianca, that must have been so hard. Lots of love to you and your baby!
xo
s
Antonia says
Well said. I’m sure it must be sooo annoying hearing that constantly from so many people… whether they know you or not. Hopefully this will give them the hint.
Jennifer says
I thought I missed a pregnancy announcement and you were already that far along when I saw the pics, lol. I have three little boys and people always ask me if I was trying for a girl the last time, or if I’m going to try for a girl. No! Then, the next question is,”But, what if you were guaranteed a little girl?” NO!!! It’s always something!
YoungHouseLove says
Wow, that’s crazy!
xo
s
Jody says
Well done! Tasteful, polite and touches on all the sensitive pregnancy related topics that can make guessing someone is pregnant very uncomfortable. Keep enjoying that beautiful family of yours as is :)
Paula M. says
Excellent post, with good points both for your own sanity AND for the sake of women everywhere who may face similar situations, to one degree or another.
Very well put!
Ashley says
$herdog, you rock my socks. Next time my husband’s family hounds us about having a kid, I may just have to forward them this link…you’ve said it with so much more grace and eloquence than I could. I’m a hot second away from letting my Jersey birds fly (as in, flippin’ the bird…that came out awkwardly. See? Need to just forward your post.)
When it happens, it happens. Enjoying all your Clara pics, and on our end we’re enjoying a few happily married years with our fur-kid while I get my DVM. Thanks for sticking up for your family and privacy!
Hugs from one South-transplanted Jersey girl to another :)
Meike says
The worst is when you are actually pregnant but really early on (like 7 weeks) and someone just comes right out and say are you pregnant? Its always a little hard to hide the initial shock and then you feel bad for lying. I got a couple of those since I usually have a drink when I go out and was turning down a lot of drinks. I had to start avoiding social situations until I was ready to announce I was pregnant.
Paula says
A lovely and polite way to address the seemingly never ending questions :) So very nicely put, Sherry :)
Kathy v says
Sherry for president!!
Becca says
Tactful, yet firm. :)
Jenn says
You tell ’em, girl! I was always taught that making those assumptions (especially out loud!)is just not the best idea.
Jenn
With Luck
maribeth says
As everyone else has already said, you said that perfectly – with all kindness and grace. After having our first litle miracle, we tried for 7 years to have more. I quickly learned to tell people we weren’t having more on purpose so they’d leave us alone about it. Good for you to have dealt with it so well!!
Johanna P says
I too suffer from my very own ‘Womb-gate’.
Apparently I’m at prime baby making age according to all of my relatives and friends. If I’m sick, it must be because I’m pregnant. If I’m tired, pregnant. Got cramps? Pregnant! Sore feet from standing all day, ooh that’s definitly pregnant! :p
And now comes the really big but…. (not mine… Or yours)
But, we aren’t even having human children at all. We love our furr babies and that will be it. So much so, my husband has had a vasectomy. Immediate family has mostly accepted this and respects our decisions, friends of the family and extended family however, not so much. Constant empty uterus proddings.
What really hurt the most was when we were told that there were family and friends praying that we had an accident. I still can’t fathom the logic behind that.
People really need to listen more and “you’ll see!!” less.
It’s sad when well thought out decisions need to be justified :(
Paige @ Little Nostalgia says
I’m right there with you, Johanna. If I’m tired because I haven’t eaten much all day–pregnant! That greasy cheeseburger made me slightly nauseous–that’s pregnancy barf! It gets SO old, and it happens all. the. time.
I’ve also reached that conclusion that I really only want one baby (whenever I decide to have it, thankyouverymuch) but people keep insisting that I’ll change my mind. And they say it in the most dismissive way possible, which only irritates me more. Just because I don’t want the same thing as you doesn’t make me wrong.
Lynn says
Hi Guys… Jacks Mommy, Lynn here…You were so sweet Sherry when I initially wrote you via email after we lost Jack to comment on your blog…and remembering me personally when you shared Claras birth story. I can CERTAINLY relate to your post. After we lost Jack it was very difficult for us, and people who didnt know our situation (strangers) would ask ‘THOSE’ questions…’when are you going to have a kid’…it was like a knife going through us. Over and over. We recently suffered another loss (oversharing on the internet much?) and its heart breaking when well meaning people speak without thinking. I know people all mean well, but you NEVER know what someone is enduring when you ask personal questions. Thank you for addressing this topic with humor and grace. You are a part of my everyday and I wish you a wonderful second pregnancy and delivery WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT! XOXO Lynn
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Lynn, you are always so sweet and I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you lots of love!
xo
s
Ali says
Yes! Great job, Sherrie, for pointing out to folks that constant pregnant inquiries can indeed be unintentionally dicey – hopefully this will just help people be a bit more mindful toward we of childbearing possibility.
You are beautiful and graceful! Congrats on THAT. ;)
Ali says
And sorry I just spelled your name wrong – that was autocorrect. Doh.
YoungHouseLove says
No worries! I don’t even notice anymore – it’s a rough name to spell!
xo
s
Pam says
I’m so sorry. You are so very well-spoken and so very gracious. I hope your post helps avoid hurtful situations for other women, too.
Robyn says
This is one of the best posts you have ever published! It helped me out more than you will ever know! You are awesome!
Heidi says
Good for you Sherry this is so well put! I certainly see where you’re coming from, it’s like my grandma asking me every holiday when I plan on making her a great-granny, only x1000 lol. BTW, I heard if you’re a Royal someone else carries your fetus for you (jk obvi) Keep up the good work guys!
Louise says
That you’ve had to create this post makes me feel sad in itself :(
Well done to you for being so patient about it all, I know I couldn’t be as graceful! At the end of the day, you & Chez Petersik are a DIY team, I know you share other aspects of your lives, but it’s over stepping boundaries (in my eye’s) to expect you to answer questions on whether you have a new bubba cooking! Why on earth do people expect you to spill when it’s a very personal experience?! And I can’t hide a huge sunday roast in my tum as well as Kate can hide her 5 month baby lol! I agree with others, it must be the long torso thing ;)
Joelle says
Great post and well said! Though I have to say that also you should be sensitive to women who don’t show as quickly. I have a friend that is tall and she barely shows in her pregnancies. It makes her very insecure and she thinks people think she doesn’t eat enough while pregnant. She does though!
Also I was pregnant once and the baby all but stopped growing around 4 months. When we still thought there was hope it was very hurtful to keep hearing where the baby bump was. i would have loved more than a great big belly. never got it. I hear critics say that Kate is too skinny and should be showing more and it might bother her too! When u don’t show when you’re pregnant that’s all you really want! So just thought I’d mention that too. :)
YoungHouseLove says
Oh yes, great points Joelle!
xo
s
Katie says
Good for you for addressing this once and (hopefully) for all. I’ve had my share of this lately with well-meaning friends and strangers, too, but I can’t imagine getting it from the general public on a daily basis. While my first pregnancy was smooth (my daughter is about Clara’s age), I’ve had two miscarriages since then. So when people ask “Hey, is __ going to be a big sister any time soon?” I absolutely hate having to fake a smile and say “We’ll see” in a sing-song voice. I actually was guilty of this before, though, so it’s been an eye-opening experience for me. But you won’t find me asking ANYONE if they’re having a baby anytime soon, ever again!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw, I’m sorry for your loss Katie!
xo
s
Tara says
I never comment, but just had to after I read this. WAY TO GO! I think it is wonderful that you said something about this topic. It’s terrible that you get asked about it so often, but I’m glad you “stuck up” for yourself, so to speak. I get these questions from my MIL on a weekly basis now and I’m going to have to say the same sort of thing. I only hope I can be as sweet as you!
Lucy says
Thank you so much for writing this post. My husband and I have struggled with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss for 2.5 years and there is nothing more heartbreaking than being asked constantly when we are going to have children or why we are waiting so long. (I’m in my mid-thirties, so is it even really “that long” in this day and age?) Over the years, I’ve come to accept that children bless our lives, if at all, when the circumstances are right and everyone’s circumstances are different. Often, we have no control over growing our family. And while I applaud people who are lucky enough to have that control, it means that there can sometimes be a lack of sensitivity to what is – under any circumstances – a very sensitive issue. I’ve been a loyal reader for years, and a post like this just reminds me why your blog is the first one I read every day.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks so much Lucy. I’m so sorry for your loss.
xo
s
Laura says
Nicely put! I’ve had people ask me if I was pregnant when I very much wasn’t. As harmless as it was, it never made my day. Just keep doing your thang! BTW, you look fabulous. Go eat some more burritos.
Meredith says
I totally get this and applaud you for posting this! When we were trying my mother in law would ask me monthly if we were pregnant and though I love her dearly, it took all the patience and understanding I had to not smack her. It is hurtful, perhaps not intended, but hurtful nonetheless and well it is annoying. :) I can’t imagine how it would feel to have strangers asking constantly! :)Way to go Sherry!
Elizabeth says
Cheers to this post!!! Well said! My husband and I are being questioned about this nearly every time our families see us. It got to the point that over the holidays I was forced/teased/questioned into doing shots at a family Christmas party. I’m not sure what was worse, being questioned all day long, or the concerned glances I got for the rest of the evening from family members that now think I’m an alcoholic :/
Hang in there!
Reem says
That was very sweet. I am sure it is hard to get that question asked every other day! You guys are very sincere. You should be proud you are such great parents of one healthy child.
Shanda says
On the flip side, my husband and I have pretty much decided not to have kids (I say that because we lean more towards no than yes), and people ask why. Really? You wanna know WHY? I usually just joke that it’s because I taught middle school for too long. But there are the people who will not take no for an answer. There’s a woman I used to work with that made it her mission to convince me to get pregnant. All the time it was how great kids are and how I don’t know what I’m missing out on. She’s right. I don’t know what I’m missing, but if I don’t feel like I’m missing anything, and my life is full, why do I need to procreate? It’s such an important decision that I think more people than not take way too lightly. Besides, isn’t getting there half the fun?
Dina says
Good for you Mrs Petersik! You tell ’em!
I get stuck with it a lot, too, and not from close family or friends who know my situation. Instead it’s from acquaintences and a few very sweet but sort of pushy co-workers. I couldn’t even imagine having to defend myself against the entire internet, let alone handle it as graciously as you did.
It’s such a personal thing! What if I don’t want kids? Does that make me a bad person? Or does it make me very dedicated to my family? Or just happy with the wonderful life I already have?
My better half has 2 sons from a previous marriage who live with us (they’re total awesomesauce). What if we’ve decided to wait or even not have more kids because that’s better for the boys? Or what if I couldn’t have any of my own and I’m super lucky to have met a man who already has two amazing children?
Or worse, maybe they’re suggesting that we’re not, ahem, doing things right in the old bedroom??
For the life of me I can’t figure out why everyone keeps inquiring. People need to be a lot more sensible about asking such a personal question.
Climbing off my soap box.
Nat says
This has nothing to do with your baby bump, or lack there of.
I just wanted to let you guys know of this cellphone App I’m currently obsessed with. This is going to sound like an ad, but it isn’t. I’m just letting you guys know because I just bought your book from Barnes & Noble for $6!!
Okay, so it’s an app called Viggle (I have it on my iPhone). What you do is, that when you’re watching TV, you “check in.” The app keeps track of how many minutes you’re watching and all you have to do is check in for every knew show (you’d have to check in every hour if you’re watching a marathon of Law&Order: SVU, for example). Some movies and shows even have some trivia that helps rack up points faster. Anyways, after a certain amount of points you can earn gift cards to different places. Although Home Depot and Lowe’s aren’t on there, I think with how thrifty you guys are, you’d go with getting paid for watching TV right? I’m game, and hence I collected $15 for bn.com and cashed them in for your book.
I swear I don’t work for these people. But I think Sherry can appreciate getting points for watching Vanderpump Rules. Haha
YoungHouseLove says
No way! Sounds like I’d love it! Haha!
xo
s
Stacy says
When I was a sophomore in college I broke my foot and put on some weight. That summer I resigned myself to get it off but it until it happened I had a small pooch. I was wearing a shirt that was less than flattering and went to visit my uncle – He had been drinking a little too much and made a comment that I looked preggers. I was so embarrassed and tried really hard not to let him see how that comment hurt me. I have always been told you don’t EVER ask someone if they are pregnant because of a number of the reasons you listed; as well as the fact that it’s JUST PLAIN RUDE. I feel for you always getting questioned about it. It is such a personal decision. Thanks for sharing your heart and writing such a personal and yet gracious post about your struggles.
Char says
I have been married for about two years, and am VERY thankful that I don’t have pressure and questions from friends or family. Woohoo!
However, my HUSBAND hears about it quite a bit at work. He has had to steer many conversations away from the topic, and get’s kind of angry that people are so nosy. On one particular occasion, an older woman informed him that we were “using up our good years” and went on to explain different baby-making positions! Some people are completely ridiculous (and a tiny bit hilarious).
Sally says
You tell it sister.
I’ve always struggled with my weight, and as it’s gone up and down I periodically get asked if I’m pregnant. It was funny when I was 15. It isn’t anymore, especially now that I’d love to be pregnant.
Also, as a woman in my 30’s, I hate getting the questions about whether we want to have kids. This is okay from my really close friends and my siblings – because it makes sense in our relationships. It isn’t ok from people I barely know. I recently got asked this while on a business call. Dude, we’ve never met, so it’s none of your business.
ryan says
way to go, sherry! while i think your little family is adorable and i love hearing all about life at your house, a pregnancy announcement is a personal thing. mind your own bidness, people! i applaud you for doing your thing and standing your ground!
Taffee says
Sherry I’m a first time commenter and wanted to say “Good for You.” You handled that so graciously. I’m a mother to three grown daughters and I have seen and heard about it all. My oldest daughter had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and was just heart broken. Then six months later got pregnant with twin girls. She carried them to 38 weeks and they are healthy and happy. But my daughter still grieves for the one she lost. My middle daughter and her husband have chosen not to have children and I would never try to talk them into it. That is their personal choice, not mine. Finally, my youngest daughter is a NICU nurse at a very busy hospital. She has seen it all, the happy endings and not so happy endings. But she personally has saved a lot of babies, and I’m proud of her. She is a newly wed, and because of her job hasn’t decided if she wants a child or not. Again it is their decision and nobody else’s. Everybody has an opinion, but people need to learn to keep it to themselves. You have an amazing family so continue to enjoy it and love on that special little girl! Love the blog!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw Taffee, your family sounds amazing! I can’t even tell you how much love and admiration I have for NICU nurses. They are true heroes!
xo
s
KELLY says
Well said! Our Isabell is 2.5 years and we constantly get asked (usually by strangers) and when I tell them we are not planning any more and over the moon happy with our little busy Izzy, they get all weird and start telling me I will change my mind, or it is selfish to have one etc etc. I get sick of the question so can only imagine you getting it from all your readers. All the best and do what is right for your family as in the end that is all that matters.
Stacy says
Kelly – my friend dealt with that. After years of fertility treatments she finally conceived and had her baby girl. People told her that she should have another but after all the trouble she had with the first she was pretty adamant that she didn’t want anymore. People told her that it was selfish not to give her baby girl a sister or brother – personally, I thought it was plain rude. Many didn’t know how much she struggled, but still, so rude to say something like that.
m says
You did a nice job writing this…I cant even imagine how unsettling it could be to have so many eyes constantly surveying you! Just the attention from my own family/friends was stressful to me as we planned for #2. This was a nice reminder why family planning and early pregnancy are important areas to respect each others privacy. I notice more women being more open in these areas, but hope we can continue to respect women who’d like to keep these matters to themselves for any number of reasons. For some reason, even when
I am pregnant I feel dorkily embarrassed about announcing it. Somehow saying “we’re expecting” feels way to much like “guess what!? My husband knocked me up! TMI right?” : )
Malissa says
People who ask if you’re pregnant or when you’re going to get pregnant are the same ones who snoop and spoil their Christmas/birthday gifts. It’s so much more fun to let people announce it to you! There is a sign they hang in Jimmy John’s restaurants that says something like “you should never ask a woman if she is pregnant unless you can see a baby coming out of her.” Wise words for a sandwich shop!
Amanda says
The freshly baked onesie is EPIC.
Karen says
I hardly ever comment on any website, but I had to let you know what a classy, graceful, and witty post this was. I find that when it comes to babies/ pregnant mommies personal boundaries are kicked to the curb. It’s so hard to find that balance of letting people know they’ve crossed the line without being rude ourselves. You have found that perfect balance, good for you! Wishing you the best, Karen.
Constance says
I realize most people are just excited and well-meaning, but I could not agree with you more. How this keeps having to be explained (and so graciously as you did now) is both commical and frustrating. Like many other things related to personal decisions and experiences, it is no one’s business and should only ever be volunteered, not prompted out of someone. Personally, as someone who struggled with infertility for years and has two wonderful IVF babies, I am appreciative of anyone spreading this good word. WELL DONE!
karen says
I’ll admit that I thought it was a bit much how you were asked about this subject. But I think they do this because you are both so friendly and you frequently joke/mention that your not expecting in your posts or on facebook or whatever even before comments. I think the best way to avoid that ‘quesh’ is to not address it at all which probably should have been done from the beginning. love you guys!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Karen! It was just getting very debated in comments (that’s why we’d toss in a “nope, I’m not prego” in an attempt to squash it). At first we tried the ignore-it approach, but that actually seemed to fuel it (ex: “they’re not denying it so they must be true!”). Now that we’ve written this we’ll just link to it from now on, and it’ll hopefully keep other posts about other things from turning into The Great Pregnancy Debate :)
xo
s
the fussy britches says
I love this post! As someone who recently got married, that is my least favorite question.
Constance says
p.s. if you should ever feel to need to respond to any future questions along these lines, you should just like to this URL (I wish I could carry it around with me in my pocket). I may virtual respond with, “What this genuine, awesome woman said!”.
YoungHouseLove says
Haha you’re so sweet! I’m totally just going to link to this from now on. So easy :)
xo
s
Jen says
Lovely post and done with humor and kindness. I continue to be impressed with your posts, your ability to communicate clearly, and, most importantly, your awesome house love projects. Enjoy yourselves!
Alex says
Thanks for this post, Sherry. You handled this very graciously. I hope everyone who likes to make those kind of comments sees this and chills out.
I just want to add that when someone IS pregnant, comments in regards to belly size can also be very hurtful. When I was pregnant, my baby girl had a birth defect that caused excess amniotic fluid, making me look huge even though I still had a ways to go. In the end, all the excess amniotic fluid contributed to a cord accident. We were planning an early induction when we lost her at 34 weeks, 6 days.
I had to field questions regarding my huge belly on my tiny frame (5’1″) for weeks. I felt so fat and awful until we found out it was all due to excess fluid- then the comments just reminded me how scared and worried I was for my baby (as if I needed a reminder).
Thanks again for this post- you handle this much better than I would be able to!
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Alex I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine. Lots of love to you!
xo
s
Charissa says
Sherry, so sorry that you had to write this post at all…but hopefully people will take it to heart and stop asking questions. I read the post about Clara’s birth when you originally posted it, I cannot even imagine how scary that must have been!