And now for a bonus Friday afternoon post (aw yeah, I’m a rebel without a cause). Every day on average I get about five readers either asking if I’m pregnant or straight up “calling it” via comments, email, twitter, pinterest, instagram, or carrier pigeon. Which adds up to answering that question – and crushing the dreams of those calling it – around 150 times a month, and a whopping 1,800 times in the last year. The prego-chatter has even hijacked a few comment threads on posts about non-uterus-y topics like room updates and tour infographics. Holy bump-watch, batman! We haven’t seen one of those around here since 2010.
First I’ll get one little detail out of the way: I’m not pregnant. My womb is currently uninhabited.
It’s actually really cool that so many people are excited about the possibility of us expanding this little family of ours. But with the complications of my past (here’s Clara’s birth story for more on that) nothing is guaranteed. My next pregnancy will be high risk and my next child will have a 25% chance of the same life-threatening complication that Clara had. So that definitely contributes to our timing and our general state of mind with regard to any potential bun in the oven. And sometimes all the “you’re prego!” guesses can be a little tough to field day in and day out.
I completely understand that all the excited folks who are inquiring don’t mean any harm (in fact I feel like I should be hugging you while typing this, seriously I love you guys) but in general I think asking someone if they’re pregnant can be a little dicey…
- It can suggest that you think they’ve gained weight (sometimes I have a tummy – thanks burrito! – but it’s not a baby)
- It can unintentionally sadden someone who has had trouble getting pregnant or has miscarried (neither of which I’ve personally encountered up to this point, but I certainly could moving forward)
- It can put them in an uncomfortable position if they are pregnant, but aren’t ready to announce it (which eventually could happen to me for sure)
So this little uterus-centric service announcement is just to solemnly vow to you guys that when the time is right, if we’re blessed with another bouncing bean in the oven, I promise, you will know. Heck, we’ll be so freaking excited that there might be another t-shirt in it for Burger…
So sit tight and know that although you won’t be the first few people we tell (gotta give that privilege to the fam) you’ll definitely hear it straight from our perma-smiling mouths (er, keyboard?) if we reach that safe-to-share milestone. Until then, picture me sipping wine, eating sushi, and soaking up non-prego life as it is right now. With my sweet pooch, my nail-gun-slingin’ hubby, and my little miracle girl (who currently knows the words to nearly every Adam Levine song – seriously, try her).
Thanks so much for understanding, guys. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. And I hope you’ll be sweet to each other in the comments (everyone’s hearts are in the right place about this whole thing). Besides, this means we can all spend more time studying Princess Kate’s royal bump. Where is she hiding that baby? Seriously, can somebody tell me? My belly blocked the view of my feet by 20 weeks (see the second picture in the grid above), so I can only guess that superior lineage = superior baby-hiding prowess.
Newlywed says
I have been married for four months now. People literally ask me all the time if I am pregnant yet/if we are trying to have a kid/if I’m thinking about trying. I don’t know if it’s living in the midwest, or waiting util 30 to get married (GASP!) or what….but the questions can get pretty annoying.
I don’t want to discuss it now. I really won’t want to discuss it if we are trying without success someday, if I have suffered a miscarriage like so many of my friends, or if we are keeping the happy news to ourselves until it’s appropriate to share and I have to hope that I don’t accidentally give it away!
Since you have been dealing with this a lot longer and on a much larger scale, I’m sure it wears on you even worse than it has been wearing on me! But I wanted to show you some solidarity. Enough with the inquiries about the baby-making process, people! :)
Lita says
Great advice, but if I may be nosy…how about another pup? :)
YoungHouseLove says
We’d love that! We’re not sure Burger would though, so we’d have to find someone “compatible” for him! Haha!
xo
s
Tara says
I’m so glad you wrote this post Sherry. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 3 years and we have some fertility issues. It is really hard dealing with people asking if I’m pregnant, when will I get pregnant, why I’m not pregnant yet…etc. I realized through the course of this experience that it’s just NOT okay to ask someone about pregnancy, but I find that most don’t understand that. I get why but I wish more people knew what a taboo topic it SHOULD be for the very reasons you listed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked away, or gone home and cried because someone inadvertently made me feel bad/sad. So I’m SO glad to hear someone who hasn’t experienced fertility issues, actually understands why people shouldn’t ask about it. And I’m glad you shared those reasons so such a large audience can hopefully understand that too. Thank you!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw you’re welcome Tara! And all the best!
xo
s
Kayla says
THANK YOU FOR THIS PSA!!! I really don’t get why people don’t get it! You are spot on.
Meg says
Sherry,
You are a class act! That was the most gracious way to ask people to calm down and respect your privacy, while also helping us all learn a little something about respecting our fellow women. As someone who has been asked when my baby is due even though I’ve never been pregnant, but carry my weight in my belly, I have made my own rule that unless the woman brings it up or I see the baby coming out (I’m a nurse), I do not mention anything about a pregnancy. Great work on this post!
Melissa @ HOUSEography says
Honestly, I can never understand why people blurt that question out or otherwise insinuate that someone may be pregnant. I have had too many friends go to extreme measures to get pregnant (to varying degrees of success). Uhhh… “Are you sure it’s not a food baby?” One of my favorite movie lines ever.
Kelly says
Such a classy post!
I’ve also started to be careful in asking questions/talking about the baby even AFTER a pregnancy has been announced. I’ve had two times where I asked a friend about an (announced) pregnancy only to find out that she has had a miscarriage that wasn’t made as public as the birth announcement for personal reasons.
Alba says
So eloquently put Sherry. It must have taken a lot of courage to post this! No one should have to feel pressure to answer such personal questions.
Love from the UK :)
Danielle says
Man, I wish I had been able to articulate my thoughts about this whole subject as well as you did in this post. As someone who endured the pain of a miscarriage and the heartache of trying to conceive again, I couldn’t have said it better. (They really do need to make a “Please don’t ask me about my fertility” T-shirts!!)
All the best to you guys. My girlfriend gave me your book as a birthday gift today, and I can’t wait to hunker down with it!
Mary H. says
I couldn’t agree with you more! That question is always an awkward one to get. Best of luck to you whenever you do decide to go for #2!
Jenna says
Great post! You are one classy broad Sherry. Have a great weekend guys!
Stewart Pillow says
Next week: “April fools you guys, John is prego with twins….gatcha!”
YoungHouseLove says
Hahah!
xo
s
Jennifer says
THANK YOU!!! I wish everyone in the world would read this! Soooo many reasons not to ask anyone if they are pregnant. I don’t even ask if they look like they are going to deliver tomorrow….you never know what is going on with that person. I had a friend with stomach cancer whose belly was blown up like a balloon and people would ask her. She then had to say, “no, it’s cancer”. Really??? Ugh! I know people don’t mean harm, but it can be harmful and I am glad you shed some light on that.
Stephanie says
Jumping in without reading all the comments, so please forgive me if this has already been suggested, but your next dog simply must be a bulldog named Milkshake.
Now that that very important matter has been settled (at least in my mind) I will add to the comments that you continue to be the most gracious, honest and lovely bloggers on the interwebz.
YoungHouseLove says
Hahahahahahha, sold!
xo
s
Ethne @ Wom-Mom says
Sherry – I gotta hand it to ya – when you were preggers with Clara, you were all belly. Adorbs. You could rival Princess Kate any day, even if you showed faster. She’s probably a foot taller, huh? All my friends and I had the sad m/c’s, so you won’t be getting questions out of us, ever, guaranteed.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Ethne, I’m so sorry for your loss.
xo
s
Chrissy says
Thank you for this!!! I’m 26 and it feels like your mid-twenties are the age where everyone is suddenly interested in your reproductive system. And it’s so awkward because my hubs and I have been trying for almost a year to get pregnant with our first baby. I’m naturally smaller, but yes I like to eat as well, so sometimes there is a pooch there! I actually had a church member come rub my stomach one day, then when I told her there was nothing in there, she looked astonished and said, “Oohh… so what happened?!” My response: “I ate lunch?” RUDE! Seriously, I may post this blog post to my Facebook so everyone will stop asking us. Thank you for your polite words that I can’t muster up when the situation arises :)
Kendra says
You handle the responsibilities of a public life with both grace and hard work; I appreciate that so much. On a much smaller scale, I’m a clergy person and I’ve had two babies and a miscarriage while serving congregations. It took me a lot of thought and rehearsal to get those smiling responses down. Kudos to you.
Line Mortensen says
We had a hard time conceiving and had to go through fertility treatment. It was like hell when people asked us, with huge smiles if I were pregnant… Actually they just assumed a lot of times. But it made me so sad and I had to lie too because we kept the fertility treatment a secret. My heart was broken every time somebody asked us. The people I loved the most were the people that never asked.
I wish you the best of luck if and when you decide to give it a go again :)
Shary says
So graciously stated!! I wish I could have said that to people who didn’t know we were struggling with infertility. My miracle adoptive child turned 19 yesterday.
Nicole says
Hi Sherry,
Kudos to you, thoughtful post on a very personal subject. I’ve often thought it strange that so many people feel comfortable making comments and accusations about you having another bun in the oven. the real reason I write is that I had a placental abruption at 35 weeks, and along with it very scary birth story not unlike your own. Luckily, my daughter is now a happy, healthy and spunky 21 month old. She is our only child and we always talked about having 2-3 kiddos, but my husband is nervous about it happening again. Poor guy was standing outside of the OR as I was rushed in for a Crash c-section with the words “code blue” ringing in his ears, terrified and powerless. Now that we have this amazing little girl and life has moved on, the prospect of another birth seems less scary. But still, my OBGYN said that I’d have to wait 18 months before getting pregnant with #2. Now that 18 months has come and gone, I do feel different. I liked knowing that it wasn’t advised for me to get pregnant, but now that I have the green light, I’m having some second thoughts. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I recognize why you are cautious about another pregnancy and wish you all the best. Good luck.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh yes, I can totally relate! When you’re in the mandatory waiting period there’s relief, and then it’s scary when you’re not anymore! So glad everything worked out with your daughter and I hope if you guys choose to expand the family that it’s easy and drama free!
xo
s
Kathleen says
You are so classy, and what a good example. Good for you guys!
Bethany says
You go girl! I however…… AM! 12 weeks yesterday and clean bill o’ health today. Little nuggets heartbeat was 161! whoot! We have been trying and trying and… gotta say there were a lotta sad days over the past years where your blog gave this old girl a smile. Thanks, honey.
YoungHouseLove says
That’s so exciting Bethany! Congrats!
xo
s
Laura says
Aw Sherry you are so sweet and have addressed this issue perfectly – I wondered how tired you were really getting of all the pregnancy comments!
Kathy says
Seems like the media has gotten SO invasive about speculating about “baby bumps” and how soon celebs will lose the “baby weight”… that some readers have bought into this and forget their manners.
You have been transparent about your lives as it is ( which is one of the reasons we all find you so endearing) so I agree with some posts above– feel free to delete those intrusive questions. :)
Megan says
I can only imagine how difficult it must be to find a balance between sharing your life on a blog (your job/livelihood)and keeping certain things that should be private, private. This post seems to be a wonderful approach to finding that balance. Some people can be so rude despite their good intentions. My husband and I have just under two years of marriage under our belts and we’re constantly being asked when we’re having children. My responses are not always as well put as yours are in this post :)
Kathryn says
Yes, bullet #2 has happened to me 852,928 times. I teach 9th grade too so I get asked that question almost every day because they have NO COUTH. I have had a belly since I was an infant. It never went away!
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Kathryn, I’m so sorry!
xo
s
Ally says
For all the readers craving a Petersik baby, go back in the blog a few years, and joyfully peruse all the “baby” Clara pictures and video’s…she was, and still is, UTTERLY ADORABLE! :)
xox
YoungHouseLove says
Aw man, she was right?! Not that I’m biased, but that bald head gets me every time.
xo
s
Ally says
The truly GREAT mum’s are always biased *wink* :)
xox
Anastasia says
Go, Sherry!!! xo a 35yro only-child of parents who also experienced the scare of having placental abruption at 33 weeks. *my parents still talk about how terrifying the experience was and I can’t help but laugh and say, “Look. Everything turned out ok and not to worry because I don’t remember ;)”
Katharine says
Well done, Sherry! Asking personal questions has become all too okay in our society. Even the most well-intentioned ones can cause upset for reasons unknown to the person who’s just trying to be friendly. As a newlywed, we often are asked WHEN will we be starting a family, not WILL we be starting a family. Because I have a rare genetic disease – cystic fibrosis – having children is a complicated and difficult decision for us. So while I know people mean well when they ask about little ones, it can be awkward and uncomfortable for me. Thank you for talking about this in such a classy and honest way!
Clara L. says
I agree, it’s no one’s business. But I think the reason people are so quick to call it with you is that after having Clara you told everyone you’d wait two years before trying again (or something along those lines). And now as Clara is two everyone is obviously looking out for it. I guess a non-perk of oversharing.
Karen says
I was wondering if you were ever going to tell people (in a polite way of course) to back off. I thought about telling people for you but didn’t want to start a problem on the Comments Playground! Being in my 30’s and having been married for 3 years, I get those questions non-stop! Only a few people know the painful struggle my husband and I have had to go through this past year trying to conceive, and I prefer to keep it that way. And until we do get pregnant, I’m going to have a GREAT time doing all the fun things pregnant women don’t get to do (like drink wine and wear skinny jeans)!! Baby or no baby, we will still love you!
Rebecca says
Thanks for that post. My husband and I are currently dealing with infertility (doing first round of ivf in May) and I hate that question. Well said!
YoungHouseLove says
Best of luck with everything Rebecca!
xo
s
Kristin says
Sherry,
Thanks for this post. My little girl passed away last January two days after birth due to a genetic disorder. I looked pregnant for months postpartum and I had to endure SEVERAL unpleasant encounters with well-meaning strangers who asked if I was expecting following my daughter’s death. It hurt on so many levels.
Like you, I blogged about it…part-therapy, part-service announcement to others….here’s a few of my posts on the topic:
“Not Pregnant, Just Fat”
http://oursunshineangel.com/2012/03/19/not-pregnant-just-fat/
“I Did a Bad Thing”
http://oursunshineangel.com/2012/04/13/ididabadthing/
Just wanted to thank you for writing something on this topic so gracefully. You’ve touched a lot of people today :-)
xoxo
Kristin
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Kristin, I can’t even imagine. I’m so sorry for your loss. Lots of love to you, and I hope those posts bring you peace and help others.
xo
s
Lauren says
Preach it, Sister.
I have been married for almost 4 years now, and everyone is asking me when we are going to have kids. We have been trying for a year. It isn’t happening. and really, I don’t feel like I need to tell random acquaintances that I stopped the pill. none o their business. It has to be ten thousand times worse for you as a public figure! Have a great weekend with your happy family of 4!
DJ says
I am so glad you finally did this post! I am annoyed for you when everyone is always asking. And of course I can totally relate…. No luck over here and it has been a few years of trying.
Noelle says
I ALWAYS asked young couples this question…until I got married and people started asking me. I think if you haven’t been there, you just are trying to be interested and excited. But I NEVER ask that question any more because you just never know when it’s a source of great pain for someone, or just general annoyance. Plus, I always appreciate it so much more when people ask me something because they really know me, like about my job or my interests, not just something because I happen to be a young woman.
Mary | lemongroveblog says
Yeah – for such a deeply personal decision, it’s got to be pretty rough having the masses weighing in on whether your preggers! So sorry you have to deal with that!
Beth says
I’m sorry you had to write this. I hate whenever I see people nag you about what your uterus is doing. We have unexplainable infertility and people ask quite often why we haven’t had kids. I used to make a joke about stinky diapers or hating toy clutter. Now, I just tell the truth. If it makes them uncomfortable, so what, you asking me about my fertility makes me uncomfortable.
Thank you or your transparency and honesty. Hopefully the will make people realize that even the kindest, most sincere question can hurt.
And! Why have another baby when you hit the perfect baby jackpot already!?
Penni McNamara says
Good for you to put it out there on the table! When my first turned 2 and 3 people were FREAKING out we didn’t have another kid yet. It gets to you after a while…I know. Hopefully this will cool this over for a while!
Maria says
I hate, HATE when people ask me when I’ll get pregnant. It always makes me completely uncomfortable and a little angry, to be honest. They have no idea what’s going on behind the scenes. It’s no ones business but your own, and I’m glad you wrote this post.
AmyRose says
Well done, Sherry… I’m sure this was a tricky post to write, but you struck just the right tone. Good for you guys for drawing a kind but firm line. Sorry you had to do it, but happy that you did it so well.
Julia says
So incredibly lovely and gracious. Sherry, you a truly a class act.
It is so so sad to me in our culture that feels entitled to know the contents of any woman’s uterus. Or to pass judgement on any family, whether they have no kids, one, or many. My hubby and I have been married for about 2 years, and baby fever around us has reached critical mass – family, friends, coworkers, and random strangers who find out I am a newlywed all want to know if we have started trying to get pregnant yet.
Little do they know that I have known since I was 16 that the liklihood that I will be able to conceive without minor to drastic medical intervention is slim to none. Even though I have been aware of this for 15+ years, I’m still not in a place emotionally or spiritually where I feel ready to walk down the fertility/IVF path. Honestly, I’m not even sure if I ever will be.
Michelle F says
My first time reading this blog and I’m so impressed by your classy handling of a very touchy subject. You completely won my respect with this post and I’m looking forward to becoming a dedicated reader!!
Jody Kristina says
I know this is somewhat off-topic, but you’re the cutest pregnant person I’ve ever seen!!!! (:
libradesigneye says
Graceful. To the Point.
As mom of 3 (now with 2 in college where the multiplier really adds up), allow me to say that all families, whether childless, kids numbering 1 – 19 (seems to be the famous # at the top end these days) are beautiful and unique in their own sweet way. Navigating the right answer is challenging enough for two parents!
People will read and admire you guys with or without more kids. I am so happy under the circumstances that both Clara and you are alive and well. Just be good to yourself. Your post is the perfect reminder that NO ONE else can know what the right answer for any family is.
James says
Seriously every time you mention people wanting to know about that I think of this from Seinfeld
Caitlin says
Personally, I think you should NEVER ask a woman if she’s pregnant, even if she looks like she’s about to pop! In fact, the only time I can think it would be appropriate to ask is if a woman was literally giving birth in front of you. Then, you might want to ask if they’re giving birth, and if they need help. Otherwise, their uterus, their business. Not mine.
If/when you guys have any uterus-related news to share with us, I’ll support y’all. Until then, I’ll just sit back, relax, and enjoy the DIY :-)
Kamie says
I’m SOOOO glad and sad you made this entry. Glad you made it because I do feel like you have to defend not being pregnant on every single post, so hopefully this will make someone(s) zip it! And sad that you even have to address the subject. BUT this was a very classy and wonderful way to say “hey maybe you shouldn’t ask unless you KNOW there’s a bun in the oven”. Good luck and I think even if another bun doesn’t happen in your oven you have the cutest mom, dad, little girl and a dog family ever!
Jillian says
You go girl!!
Shanny Jean says
Perfect.