And now for a bonus Friday afternoon post (aw yeah, I’m a rebel without a cause). Every day on average I get about five readers either asking if I’m pregnant or straight up “calling it” via comments, email, twitter, pinterest, instagram, or carrier pigeon. Which adds up to answering that question – and crushing the dreams of those calling it – around 150 times a month, and a whopping 1,800 times in the last year. The prego-chatter has even hijacked a few comment threads on posts about non-uterus-y topics like room updates and tour infographics. Holy bump-watch, batman! We haven’t seen one of those around here since 2010.
First I’ll get one little detail out of the way: I’m not pregnant. My womb is currently uninhabited.
It’s actually really cool that so many people are excited about the possibility of us expanding this little family of ours. But with the complications of my past (here’s Clara’s birth story for more on that) nothing is guaranteed. My next pregnancy will be high risk and my next child will have a 25% chance of the same life-threatening complication that Clara had. So that definitely contributes to our timing and our general state of mind with regard to any potential bun in the oven. And sometimes all the “you’re prego!” guesses can be a little tough to field day in and day out.
I completely understand that all the excited folks who are inquiring don’t mean any harm (in fact I feel like I should be hugging you while typing this, seriously I love you guys) but in general I think asking someone if they’re pregnant can be a little dicey…
- It can suggest that you think they’ve gained weight (sometimes I have a tummy – thanks burrito! – but it’s not a baby)
- It can unintentionally sadden someone who has had trouble getting pregnant or has miscarried (neither of which I’ve personally encountered up to this point, but I certainly could moving forward)
- It can put them in an uncomfortable position if they are pregnant, but aren’t ready to announce it (which eventually could happen to me for sure)
So this little uterus-centric service announcement is just to solemnly vow to you guys that when the time is right, if we’re blessed with another bouncing bean in the oven, I promise, you will know. Heck, we’ll be so freaking excited that there might be another t-shirt in it for Burger…
So sit tight and know that although you won’t be the first few people we tell (gotta give that privilege to the fam) you’ll definitely hear it straight from our perma-smiling mouths (er, keyboard?) if we reach that safe-to-share milestone. Until then, picture me sipping wine, eating sushi, and soaking up non-prego life as it is right now. With my sweet pooch, my nail-gun-slingin’ hubby, and my little miracle girl (who currently knows the words to nearly every Adam Levine song – seriously, try her).
Thanks so much for understanding, guys. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. And I hope you’ll be sweet to each other in the comments (everyone’s hearts are in the right place about this whole thing). Besides, this means we can all spend more time studying Princess Kate’s royal bump. Where is she hiding that baby? Seriously, can somebody tell me? My belly blocked the view of my feet by 20 weeks (see the second picture in the grid above), so I can only guess that superior lineage = superior baby-hiding prowess.
Leslie says
i will drink a glass of wine tonight in solidarity with you! great post!
ashley says
so well said. this question is asked to often and too quickly these days. my friends and i joke about “when was it ever ok to indirectly ask people if they were having lots of sex?!” :) in all seriousness, i personally haven’t suffered loss or complications in trying either, but i’ve watched those very close to me suffer one or the other and see them get barraged over and over again by this question and it looks like it feels exactly the way you describe it. putting yourself out there the way you guys have and sharing so much of your lives can’t be easy sometimes, but thanks for doing so. love your work, you have so many great ideas – not just with home improvement :) – and our house is more homey-et and our son’s past 10 months more well documented than we could have ever imagined because of encouragement and ideas from right here!
Jessica says
The background on this post is crazy and I can’t read the post at all :(. I’m on my iPad if that makes a difference.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh yes, just clear your cache/cookies/data and it’ll all sort itself out. So sorry for that weird smart phone glitch, but since it’s not on our end we can’t fix it – so clearing those will set it straight :)
xo
s
Laci Waner says
If I haven’t said it lately, you are AWESOME!!!! What will I do if ya’ll ever stop blogging?! Thanks again for being so real and open; you have no idea how many hearts you help heal!!
Kristin says
Woo hoo for sushi and wine! :)
T says
I’m so glad you brought this up (for the general population, if not for yourself). I have a very dear friend who has dealt with some seriously devastating fertility issues and miscarriages so I always think this when I hear somebody ask that sort of question. Thanks for the public service announcement/etiquette lesson!
Katrina says
Well said!
I guess unlike your BFF (vomit) Katie Bower you don’t want to share every detail of you and “Jer” trying for a baby (vomit again)… ;-)
Paige @ Little Nostalgia says
I always feel so bad for you guys when people hound you with pregnancy questions. They might have good intentions, but considering how rocky your pregnancy was with Clara, I can imagine that it gets really, really old. This was such a classy was to address the problem, and hopefully people will give you a little space about it until you’re ready to tell us.
Keri says
I always found it strange that people started asking me when I was having another baby when my first was only a few months old. Now they ask if we’re having more. I try not to ask the same questions of other moms, knowing there could be a lot going on that I don’t know about.
Also, I commented on Clara’s birth story a while back, but I had a partial placental abruption with my son (though it wasn’t as bad as yours, he came very fast and I didn’t have a c-section). I got pregnant when he was 15 months old and worried I would have it again, but had my daughter with no issues. Hopefully it will be the same case for you! Until then, enjoy the wine and sushi. I sure am now that I’m done having babies :)
KyCat says
Thank you for your gracious openness with all of us!! You rock. These are wise words for everyone.
Lena says
I’m so sorry you have to deal with that question. Finally people have stopped asking around me after they saw me go through my last miscarriage that put me in the hospital for 4 days. Guess they figured out that it wasn’t an easy thing to just go through with the risks to me. We are very blessed to have one child and although I wish we could have had more we can’t without some serious risk to me. The last miscarriage was an oops pregnancy, but having to go through the same thing as the miscarriages before my daughter made it clear it wasn’t in the cards for us. Before that one I had a real hard time with the questions, but usually answered that medically it wasn’t in the cards for us. Still didn’t stop them from asking or hinting.
I hope your post will give you a break.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Lena, I’m so sorry for your loss.
xo
s
Sara C says
It makes my heart ache for you guys that this post is necessary. I haven’t experienced this personally (though I’m sure it’ll hit when my husband gets back from deployment), but I know my parents dealt with this between my birth and getting pregnant with my sister. It took 7 years.
Cyndee says
I just wanted to let you know that I had a 9-week placental abruption with my son. No one knew what was happening because it was toward my back – it wasn’t visible by any camera. They just knew that I would bleed and then stop, then bleed. I remember the night I went into full-blown labor at 31 weeks (after being in and out of the hospital with no explanation for the bleeding) and I turned in bed and it felt like someone took a grapefruit spoon and scooped out my stomach. After the emergency delivery, my son stayed about 5 weeks in the NICU. My doctor later told me that there was no way to explain my son’s life except through a miracle. He also said that my placenta was so thrashed, that no one would have been able to tell it was a placenta. My son is now a healthy 6 1/2 years old and my daughter is 3 1/2, with whom we had no complications with the abruption whatsoever. So – just some encouragement sent your way. Whatever your decision, you are a blessed family…<3
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Cyndee, I’m sure that was terrifying. I’m so so glad for your miracle boy. And for your daughter who came along after. That is so amazingly encouraging to hear.
xo
s
Jamie says
You get a gold star for patience. I’ve gotten to the point where I just, rather coldly, tell people, “No, I’m not pregnant, and I think it’s rude to ask that question.” Our son is Clara’s age, and I had kind of a troublesome pregnancy (nothing like what a lot of women go through, but high bp and bedrest for a while) plus I had a really hard time after he was born, and we’re not looking to jump in to another baby just yet, but thanks for inquiring about something that’s really NOYB. My bff suffered through infertility issues for FIVE years, and my heart broke for her every time some inquisitive person asked her “when are you guys finally going to have kids?” or if she was expecting. Plus, I’ve actually lost 30 pounds since I had him (not counting the preggo lbs) and I find it really aggravating that every time I wear a dress to church, someone comes up to congratulate me on the big news. I kind of thought I was looking a lot skinnier, but, thanks?
In short, when is it OK to ask if a woman is pregnant? Never. No, really, never. Nope, not even then. Nope.
Ciarra says
Really liked this post and it couldn’t come at a better time for me! I had the worst experience at the doctor’s earlier this week when the nurse wouldn’t stop asking why I don’t have kids and was telling me as a “military wife” I should have at least 4 by now! It took all I had not to cry right there!! Everyone’s journey is different, it’s definitely a touchy subject that should be handled with care. You’ll tell us bloggie-followers when you’re good and ready! :)
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Ciarra, I’m so sorry about that. What a frustrating conversation to have to have.
xo
s
Katie says
I am so glad you actually made a post about this, between all your social media outlets and people questioning, I’ve wanted to scream “back off, let them be.”
Nicely said Sherry!
I have to laugh now, because reading through some of the comments, now you have everyone on board for naming your next pup!
YoungHouseLove says
Hahah! I think my favorite is the Bulldog named Milkshake.
xo
s
Claire says
Oh Sherry what a brilliant post.
I only wish I could print it out and send it to all my friends!
Now I know what it’s like on the receiving end I will never ever ask someone when they’re having kids or ask them if they’re preggas cause they’re not drinking. You never know what people are going through!
Now would it be weird to tell you you guys were in my dream last night? You, Clara and I were going going crazy decorating white leggins with retro coloured pens. The girl had style!
Ps promise I’m not a creep!
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, I love that idea! I want to do that now. Seriously, we could probably get $3 white leggings and some fabric pens and go to town! Clara loves to draw…
xo
s
Merrie says
As the parent of an only child, I commend you for (politely) telling people to cut it out! I’ve faced this question over and over and over. It can be very painful.
As always, you handle it with a cheerful, firm, bright, grounded approach. Good for you!
nat says
This is interesting. I think what you have created here is a virtual story book of sort and as with any story people want a next episode. And as with any continious “production” readers will create or guess their own version of events in the next episode depending on how they prefer it yo happen. This happens with any engaging story, people want action and next bombshell . So what i am trying to say is that people who ask you if u r pregnant may not ask same question of people they know in real life, but feel comfortable to ask u those things because u guys have become a character in a story your readers read every day. Just my two cents.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh yes, there’s definitely something about commenting with your fingers on a keyboard instead of speaking words to someone in person. I think that online communication, much like too much tequila, can make some people very bold/curious/inquisitive :)
xo
s
Jacelyn says
Sherry, As I approach my 31st on Monday and have yet to have children, this question also is asked of us quite often. We’ve struggled with trying for over five years (and multiple doc visits and drugs used), so it gets a little frustrating when I’m asked if I even want/like kids. Thank you. For those of us who are struggling with this, thank you. I know you guys have also struggled with that line of what to share and what to enjoy as a family without the world looking in. It’s your life, don’t forget. So, thanks for posting this for the nosy Nellies. I’ll celebrate with you when/if you and John decide it’s time for a second. Until then, I love your blog and hope you had a wonderful birthday.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Jacelyn! You’re so sweet and I’m sending you nothing but love.
xo
s
MaryS says
Thanks for sharing your story and how you deal with people who inquire about pregnancy. I had two complicated deliveries so we decided not to risk having any more children. Women with large families often look down upon me for only having two children without knowing the reasons why. I hate having to explain that I almost died in child birth and didn’t think a third child worth the risk. I pray when and if you decide to have another child, all goes well.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks so much Mary! I’m so glad you were ok!
xo
s
Roxanne M says
Amen sister! This post rocks! I am currently trying to get pg and any talk of it drives me nuts. It is not always easy and nobody’s business but your own! Have a great weekend :)
Elizabeth says
As far as I’m concerned, your fertility and potential family expansions are your business! Not that I wouldn’t do an internal happy dance in front of my computer over here ‘down under’ because I love your more family orientated posts too!
After I got married, I got the “so when are you going to have kids?” questions a few times a week, which got old pretty quick, but when they kept coming after we had a miscarriage it did get harder to be polite when I responded “Oh, they’ll come when they’re meant to.” Especially to the just nosy/trying to make any conversation co-workers.
I’m currently experiencing what looks like a healthy, viable pregnancy, and like our Mrs Royal I am rather tall, so not showing especially well either – just looking very “soft and spongy” – I definitely get the “hmmmm is she?’ looks from co-workers who aren’t aware I’m pregnant – and I find it awkward, can’t imagine how you cope with the constant comments/queries from strangers over the net!
That’s my life story…will just add that you guys (Clara and Burger included) rock! Keep DIY’ing it your way, and you’ll continue to rock! xo
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Elizabeth! Congrats on the bean in the belly!
xo
s
Janna says
Kudos to you. Twice this week alone I have been asked if I was expecting again, and while I get that I haven’t lost all my baby weight yet, people do need to mind their own business sometimes! My husband and I are only having one child and it annoys me when people assume things. I know people are only being nice, but it’s not always appreciated because we are ridiculously happy with our little unit of three! Thanks for the post – I’m definitely sharing!
Meredith says
It BOGGLES ME that people feel so comfortable weighing in on such a personal subject. Obviously, all your readers will be nothing but thrilled if/when you decide to have #2, but it’s NEVER OKAY to ask about this, especially to strangers!!! I know a couple of dear girlfriends struggling with infertility and it’s so painful for them when people ask since they’ve been married for a while. Sherry, you’ve got nothing but class—this is beautifully written and addressed. Good job handling such a tricky subject!
Danielle says
This will likely get lost in the 1000+ replies, but I just wanted to say bravo and thank you. As a thirty-something lady with no children and no plans for any, the unsolicited baby/pregnancy comments can get really tiresome. Apart from people enquiring, I’ve been repeatedly asked to pin to ‘Kids Shopping’ boards on Pinterest, and Facebook recommends baby/mum related things all the time. I always think how thoughtless it is – like you say, babies can be a touchy subject. What if I had miscarried or was unable to have children and was heartbroken about it? What if (god forbid) I’d had a child who died? And why, just because I am a woman in her thirties, is it assumed I have/want to have children?? I think babies can almost be classed in with religion and politics – unless there is an actual baby in my arms, its not for general discussion! Rant over, thanks for letting me get that off my chest! :) x
Maggi says
You un-tanned in those pregnancy photos. Weird, you lost your sunny glow for a pregnancy glow.
YoungHouseLove says
Haha!
xo
s
Raquel says
I love that you posted this. I know how you feel! My husband and I will celebrate our 3 year wedding anniversary next month and I get the pregnancy question a lot. I mean a lot. I have had two people think I was pregnant at church and people are always asking me about when we will have babies.
For those that we are close to, I give our time frame and it still really doesn’t help. I still get the same questions from some of the same people. So yea, I know it is out of love, but I do sometime want people to remove their questions from my Uterus.
Support group idea- For those of us who are not pregnant for whatever reason, who others wish they were pregnant and how to field the questions on a daily basis, lol.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw, we’d love to start forums this spring/summer so that definitely could be an awesome thread or topic for everyone to drop in on and vent :)
xo
s
Christie says
Having babyloss friends made me aware and hopefully tactful. I just don’t ask about pregnancies or comment on family size.
(And a vain reason for not asking other women … I carry my post-baby weight in my belly and hate when I’m mistaken for being pregnant. I guess I could take it as a compliment that the rest of me looks slim? haha)
Jaime says
Sherry, thank you SO MUCH for this post. I’m currently at the not-safe-to-tell yet phase, and you totally hit the nail on the head. I’ve been dealing with anxious family members and well-meaning friends, and it’s been tough. It was tough before we were trying, it was tough while we were trying, and it’s tough now that I’m pregnant but we’re not ready to talk about it yet. I can’t imagine what it’s like for you with literally thousands of well-wishers just a click away. I think more people need to hear this advice. Thank you for writing it.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw, you’re welcome Jaime. Best of luck with everything!
xo
s
Steph says
Beautifully said!
Anna says
Well said, Sherry! I’ve had two miscarriages in the last six months, and the “Oooh, are you pregnant yet?” questions from co-workers are so hard to deal with, even though I know they come from the best intentions. The comments like “Well, what are you waiting for?” or “Better get cracking!” are even harder. I don’t need or want to share my heartache with anyone other than my nearest and dearest, and I certainly don’t need to be reminded of it at work. When my tummy is so big that I can’t see my feet, then ask me!
Alyssa says
Amen, Sherry! Good for you for speaking up. I think the constant interest the world has in pregnant women is sweet, but can be very strange in how it’s expressed. I’m 17 weeks pregnant right now and just “popped,” and it is fascinating to me to hear total strangers commenting on my bump. “When are you going to have a baby” questions were so awkward to field and such an invasion of privacy. Best of luck to you guys in your journey as a family, however it unfolds!
Annelies says
I’m so sorry it got to the point where you had to write this but you did in such a good way. All respect to you! And you should indeed have some privacy and people should understand there might be reasons for you not telling. Wish you and John all the best whatever life turns out. And so sorry for all the people here who lost.
Diana says
Thank you for posting this! I was one of the ones struggling with infertility and those questions hurt so much. Thankfully now that I have my twins people don’t ask and just assume I won’t want more kids since I had a girl and a boy :)
Sarah L says
Great post!
We love hearing all your exciting news (like pottery barn picture with your book in it?!?!) and we will continue to love hearing all future exciting news (like more books?!?!)!
Good luck!
Carol-Anne says
I think it’s obnoxious & appalling that people are always badgering you about this! I’m disgusted when I see it!
Shauna says
Well, this post made me de-lurk after two years. I’m sorry you had to write this post, and you handled it wonderfully. I had read Clara’s birth story but forgot you had a placental abruption. I had a placental abruption last year at 24 weeks: my son was born in time but died three weeks later due to being so premature. My daughter is 3 1/2, so I get the “When are you having another” question all the time (but not on my blog, because my blog is all about my son). It’s such a personal thing and, as you know, a hard question to answer. So, I feel ya, and I hope that everything in the procreation department goes well from here on out…And your blog rocks!
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Shauna, I’m so so sorry for the loss of your son. I can’t even imagine. I’m sending you tons of love. And I hope that blogging about it gives you some peace (I felt a surprising amount after sharing Clara’s story and hearing from others – it’s just nice to know that we’re not alone and hear stories of encouragement from others).
xo
s
Heather D says
Well said. As someone who experienced infertility, I started avoiding certain types of parties just to avoid the comments. People asking would bring me to tears. Fortunately my fertility treatments were successful but I make sure never to ask anyone about kids or their uterus unless they bring it up first.
Chez says
You are an incredibly talented writer. I am still picking myself up off the floor after reading about Clara’s birth. How terrifying and how poignant and how – just – wow. Wishing joy and contentment to you and your husband and your beautiful and growing little girl – and Burger, too! (PS- I also completely agree that asking if one is pregnant is best not done for a host of reasons. If people have something to share and want to share, they will.)
Erin B says
Sherry I read the story of claras arrival not long after we lost our first daughter Lily. She lived 16 days, but the reason for her deformations was never explained and we were so scared when we got pregnant again. Funny enough we named our second daughter Clara. When you are pregnant again and the time is right I will most definitely be praying for you to have the ability to enjoy your pregnancy without fear. You are amazing and already have a beautiful family and miracle girl!
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Erin, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m so glad little Clara came along and everything was great – and thanks so much for the prayers.
xo
s
Elizabeth says
Ahhh I totally feel ya! Not the pregnancy thing for me, however my boyfriend and I have been dating going our 7th year now and we ALWAYS get asked when we’re getting married! We’ve been living together for 4 of those years, so people just expect it more than anything now I guess. I’m almost 27 and just finishing up school, so finding a full-time job and saving for down payment for a house is my top priority.
Kim H. says
I have thought this so many times when people ask you about having another baby. I hope people can be patient and give it a rest, and I wish you guys all the best.
Kristi says
Thank you times a bagillion. As a newly married wife- the pregnancy question is enough to make any young bride go batty.
Thank you for giving me ideas of how to compose myself graciously without wanting to punch someone in the nosy throat. :-)
Liz says
What a gracious post Sherry! I’ve cringed every time I’ve seen those types of comments on your blog. As someone, who is finally 31 weeks pregnant after 4.5 years of trying, multiples miscarriages and nine (gulp!) rounds of IVF, I have been asked many times in the past when we were starting our family. Sometimes just because we’ve been married for a number of hears with no kids and sometimes maybe because, now that you mention it, I’d just eaten Mexican food. I would read those comments on your blog and think it was so unfair that people would ask them when it is really each couple’s decision as to when a pregnancy is announced.
In our situation, depending on the asker, I’d either laugh off the question as if I was happily childless (instead of desperately trying haha) or tell them the truth about our struggles. Most times the truth either made them feel awkward (which would make me feel bad but hopefully they would learn not to ask others a similar question) or they would offer all sorts of well meaning advice – I’ve been told to have a good relaxing holiday more times than I can count :-)
Anyway, I thought your post was a lovely and clever way to deal with all the questions.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw Liz, I’m sorry for your loss and so excited that you’re 31 weeks along! Sounds like a long road – wishing you nothing but the best :)
xo,
s
caroline [thediynurse] says
nothing like complete strangers asking you if its a boy or a girl. been there. and I’m just about as small as you [or so i like to think] so I know how humiliting it can be for all parties.
keeping my mouth shut still and eagerly awaiting ;)
Emily says
This is why I love you guys — you’re gracious and open with your fans even when they’re just bein’ nosy because you get that we’re just excited to tag along with you on your journey. As someone who is asked occasionally about the goings on of my reproductive system (whether it’s that I look preggo because my weight fluctuates due to health problems or because I obviously ought to be having children by now since I’m nearly 30 and that’s what women should do), I’ll try to take a cue from you and smile nicely instead of throwing the smack down. “Try” being the operative word.
Christina Williams says
*slow clap* Bravo! Thank you so much for this!! As someone that has fallen into all 3 categories, Thank you! People mean well and are just curious, but there are somethings that should just be left as open-ended questions. Rather than “When are you getting married/having kids/ having another?” People could ask it better – “What are your thoughts on x, y, z?”
I think people’s body parts and whether they talk about what’s going on inside them or not is their choice and no one else’s business. You said this in the greatest way and way more PC and friendly than I would have!
L. Bailey says
Good for you addressing this with such class , glossing over some comments it’s pretty unanimous you handled this the best way you can ha good job (:
And best wishes
Misty says
Nothing but love for y’all! I agree with others that this was such a gracious way to to handle this topic! *Cheers*