And now for a bonus Friday afternoon post (aw yeah, I’m a rebel without a cause). Every day on average I get about five readers either asking if I’m pregnant or straight up “calling it” via comments, email, twitter, pinterest, instagram, or carrier pigeon. Which adds up to answering that question – and crushing the dreams of those calling it – around 150 times a month, and a whopping 1,800 times in the last year. The prego-chatter has even hijacked a few comment threads on posts about non-uterus-y topics like room updates and tour infographics. Holy bump-watch, batman! We haven’t seen one of those around here since 2010.
First I’ll get one little detail out of the way: I’m not pregnant. My womb is currently uninhabited.
It’s actually really cool that so many people are excited about the possibility of us expanding this little family of ours. But with the complications of my past (here’s Clara’s birth story for more on that) nothing is guaranteed. My next pregnancy will be high risk and my next child will have a 25% chance of the same life-threatening complication that Clara had. So that definitely contributes to our timing and our general state of mind with regard to any potential bun in the oven. And sometimes all the “you’re prego!” guesses can be a little tough to field day in and day out.
I completely understand that all the excited folks who are inquiring don’t mean any harm (in fact I feel like I should be hugging you while typing this, seriously I love you guys) but in general I think asking someone if they’re pregnant can be a little dicey…
- It can suggest that you think they’ve gained weight (sometimes I have a tummy – thanks burrito! – but it’s not a baby)
- It can unintentionally sadden someone who has had trouble getting pregnant or has miscarried (neither of which I’ve personally encountered up to this point, but I certainly could moving forward)
- It can put them in an uncomfortable position if they are pregnant, but aren’t ready to announce it (which eventually could happen to me for sure)
So this little uterus-centric service announcement is just to solemnly vow to you guys that when the time is right, if we’re blessed with another bouncing bean in the oven, I promise, you will know. Heck, we’ll be so freaking excited that there might be another t-shirt in it for Burger…
So sit tight and know that although you won’t be the first few people we tell (gotta give that privilege to the fam) you’ll definitely hear it straight from our perma-smiling mouths (er, keyboard?) if we reach that safe-to-share milestone. Until then, picture me sipping wine, eating sushi, and soaking up non-prego life as it is right now. With my sweet pooch, my nail-gun-slingin’ hubby, and my little miracle girl (who currently knows the words to nearly every Adam Levine song – seriously, try her).
Thanks so much for understanding, guys. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. And I hope you’ll be sweet to each other in the comments (everyone’s hearts are in the right place about this whole thing). Besides, this means we can all spend more time studying Princess Kate’s royal bump. Where is she hiding that baby? Seriously, can somebody tell me? My belly blocked the view of my feet by 20 weeks (see the second picture in the grid above), so I can only guess that superior lineage = superior baby-hiding prowess.
Kate says
I can really sympathize with your need to do things on your own timeline–and I only have a nosy MIL, not kajillions of blog readers! :) I also had a placental abruption when I went into labor with my daughter (now 4). It was hugely traumatic for me, as well (I still think about it all the time), and I feel very lucky that she is happy and healthy, and that her brother (16 mos.) was delivered safely (by c/s) and without complications.
Forgive me, as I haven’t read all the comments–but I’m curious when you say that future pregnancies will have a 25% risk of the same complication. Do you mean the abruption? Because yikes, that’s way higher than what I was told (I think less than 5%?), and I don’t know that I would have gone ahead with another pregnancy if I’d been told that. Just wondering if there’s something about the risk factors that I don’t know.
Anyways, so glad you are all happy and healthy, and here’s hoping you stay that way! :)
YoungHouseLove says
Yes, I was told one in four people with the type of abruption that I had will have another one in a subsequent pregnancy. I like to think of that as a 75% chance of nothing happening, and even if it happens again, Clara is perfect and wonderful so it still could go well if it reoccurs (since docs will be on high alert and I’ll know what it feels like this time :)
xo
s
Carrie says
So much grace handling this. I get the “when are you going to have kids?” question at least once a week and I’ve just started answering that I’m not or saying I do have kids, they have 4 legs and fur. I was lucky enough to get pregnant once, had a miscarriage and it hasn’t happened since. I am in poor health and now single and IF I meet someone worth marrying I don’t even know if I am healthy enough to be a good mom. And I am trying to make my peace with that. Although I hate that people assume I don’t like children because I don’t have any. I wanted 4 minimum. It never occurred to me I wouldn’t have any.
I’ve wondered at times if you would just be content with Clara but I haven’t asked because it isn’t my business. I know people mean well but sometimes…. stuff is just for us.
Lauren says
So well said! I’m sorry you’re spending all night approving comments, but everything I read on the first page was so positive, I hope it’s not a bad way to spend the evening. You are so gracious and kind. I hope your family is exactly the size you want it in exactly the time you want it/it’s meant to be. Have a good night.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Lauren. We have the best readers ever. Seriously, you guys rock.
xo
s
Chloe says
After being married for close to 10 years with no children yet, I hear these same excited questions on a daily basis regarding the status of baby to be. We are currently trying to make this a reality and it get’s tough to hear amid all the stress of trying. Your public response was so kind and thoughtful to your fans Sherry, I hope I can be as gracious towards my loved ones when I need to express my mind.
[email protected] says
Chloe: We were married 15 years “before”; if you ever need someone to chat with , feel free to email me.
Jen says
We have a 2 year old that we love more than life itself, and we’ve finally got the whole work/life balance thing down. Of course everyone we know assumes it’s time we throw another kid in the mix. So annoying. Let’s talk about the weather instead, OK?
Destiny says
I think you are an absolutely beautiful family and this is a stunning and extremely well said post.
Nina says
I love you for this post. I have been following you guys for about a year now. I have a wonderful 3 year old daughter, and had severe pre-e that required several months of blood pressure meds to get me back to normal. I have always pictured myself with a house full of kids, but am just too scared of what could happen if I got pregnant again.
The constant questions about our reproductive plans/status are really wearing me down. It is offensive for the reasons you listed, and it also rubs salt in a wound that hasn’t healed (the pain of wanting more kids). I’m not glad that you are in the same boat, but I do find comfort that someone knows what I’m dealing with. Hugs to you and your ridiculously adorable family!
Nina
Cassi says
Perfectly written! I come here for the amazing home design, and any personal/family details shared are just a bonus for me.
Aussie Deb says
Beautifully said. You and John share so much that people forget it doesn’t give them access all areas to your world. Thank you for pointing out how hard it is for your readers that aren’t blessed in that way to keep seeing people’s comments about babies. I have a constant belly – due to medication and get asked on the bus, at the shops, at work, basically daily. its really upsetting. On a lighter note – I now want a burrito after your mention of it.
Cassie says
Sherry, you are a class act. I never cease to be amazed my your graciousness and your way with words. May we all respect your privacy and just look forward to the day (God willing) that we can all celebrate a new Petersik when you are ready to share. Love you and your amazing little family! Xoxoxo
Jen @ RamblingRenovators says
Aw man, I’m sorry that comments have gotten out of hand to the point where you felt compelled to write this post. I understand the curiosity though – my Chloe is a blog baby and has literally grown up in front of my readers’ eyes so I get the occasional comments about when’s the next kid coming. As we’ve had several miscarriages and ongoing fertility issues, our answer is not one many people know how to deal with. I’m fine with discussing it but it makes others uncomfortable. So I’m glad you’ve addressed the topic. Choosing to wait, choosing not to have, or not being able to have children… the reasons are different for everyone. I hope your post has brought greater sensitivity and understanding about pregnancy and creating a family. Hugs to you all.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw Jen, I’m so sorry for your loss. And it’s amazing that you’re talking about it and spreading the word :)
xo
s
Ashley G says
I’m with Clara on loving Adam Levine…would love to see video of her singing his songs!
Denise Willer says
On a much happier note, (and to totally change the subject) I will be thinking of you and Clara on Sunday night since I am going to the Maroon 5 concert!!!! Adam Levine and all his hotness just makes life better :)
Anna says
I thought this was a great post Sherry. Really well said. I re-read Clara’s birth story. So scary and stressful! I’m still amazed at the things people will ask other people. Asking someone when they are getting pregnant is like asking a single person why she’s not married! My friend gets that question all the time and it blows me away.
Annette says
You are such a sweetheart! If I had written this post, it would’ve sounded more like, “Enough already, for crying out loud!”
Ashli says
I get this ALL the time from family and friends, and although they mostly mean well, it can be frustrating, so I know where you’re coming from! As usual, you handled yourself with grace and poise!
Mahal says
I really, really admire the grace with which you guys handle comments and intrusive questions day after day after day. Rock on!
Jessica says
What a kind way to remind people of this topic! Once you have a baby, people feel like they have the right to ask you anything at all, never mind personal boundaries. I have a 7 month old son and strangers in the grocery store will tell me that he needs a sibling/ ask when the next one is coming… And then always tell me not to wait too long! I love the idea of another someday-baby, but I’m also loving soaking up every minute as a little family of 3. Thanks for always being such a gracious, inspiring presence on the Internet!
Sandy says
Omg Thank You Sherry for your post on “Preggo Talk Politeness” My husband and I are constantly asked by friends and family, when will we have a baby? When will we start trying? What’s our method of birth control at this point and when will we go all natural if we haven’t already? Omg!!!!!! Of course, credit to our close friends that know better. I just am always soo surprised at how people ask so openly about one of the most intimate things a couple can share together. My mother in law asked me those questions in front of my father in law…awkward ! I almost lost it! Alls I said was…”Yes I know you’re all very eager and excited, that’s nice to hear and we too will be very happy when that day comes.” Then she repeated her questions all over again! As if my answer wasn’t good enough! Backed into a corner I was forced to spell it out! “Honestly…that’s a very personal question and all I can say as your daughter in law is…Sorry this is awkward especially since my father in law is right here listening but how bout this…When I’m pregnant ill tell you guys…If I don’t tell you, it’s because I’m not pregnant. But rest assured we definitely want kids in our future.” Lol, so I thought that would do the trick in the most polite smiling way, to where she replied…” Well honey, don’t worry, it can take awhile, it isn’t easy for everybody.” Then she went on about two stories of infertile women she knew, then patted my shoulder in a very pitying way saying, “Dont worry it will happen.”Omg…I was just telling myself to calm down. I was just counting the minutes. I made it through the day visit and as we drove away I told my husband…”omg that was painful, I need a good month or two, to come and do this again.” 6 years married and no kiddos yet…On purpose y’all! Shout out to all the married couples that are married to their best friends and are enjoying every hot minute together! :) Approaching my 30th birthday soon and we have worked very hard to be where we want to be, financially and personally…So baby making time starts this year! With multiple friends and families baby showers lurking the corner, I will remember Sherry’s blog post and all y’all’s replies and ill crack a big smile and have a giggle…It’ll be that much more easier to bear!Thank You Sherry!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw Sandy, it sounds like quite the grilling that you got! I think your responses were awesome!
xo
s
Camille says
Wanted to mention that you look super hot and fit in all of your posts, you bounced back fabulously after Clara. Don’t apologize for any burrito bellies! I sure haven’t seen them.
Jenia says
Sherry,
I completely understand where you’re coming from! Kudos for handling this so gracefully!
I’m 34 weeks now, and my belly does not look much bigger than yours at 20. My face, though… that’s where all the gained weight went!
Maria says
Oh, Sherry, I hate that you felt like you had to write this post.
People can be so, so rude (even unintentionally, but I mean EVERYBODY should know that prego questions are not ok!)
Me and my husband struggled to get pregnant and now we have beautiful seven month old little boy, but, man we had a lot of those questions asked and every time it felt like a punch to the gut!
You handled this so graciously.
Praying for you!
anne says
You are so, so gracious. I’ve always admired and respected the patience with which you handle the countless pregnancy queries, which is truly remarkable. Let’s hope you get some peace now. Enjoy being the happy, inspiring, and beautiful family that you are!
GreenieWeenie says
I’m so baffled by the interest in your uterus.
Baffled.
Bonnie says
I know, right??? I’m totally bewildered myself. Because, at the end of the day, regardless of the fact that someone chose to show you pictures of their home and that, for whatever reason, made you feel like you know them, you are actually just a random stranger on the internet asking another random stranger on the internet intimate questions about their sex life. I mean, why on Earth would you care? Anyone having children or not having them – for whatever reasons (it p** me off to no end when people assume that everyone wants children) – if the person in question is not you, it’s none of your business. Honestly!
Lou says
Perfectly and very nicely said, if only every oblivious, yet well meaning person could also read and learn from this post!
Rebecca says
God bless, Sherry! Graciously and kindly said. I wish you and John and Clara (and Burgs) joy for the future, whatever it holds. Thank you for your example of good ol’-fashioned decency, humanity and class.
Kirsten says
Beautifully written. It sounds silly to say that it’s hard to be a woman of child bearing age, but it’s true sometimes. We can all relate to your story in some way. Thank you for sharing so eloquently.
Tean says
Gracious way of saying the Ann Landers favorite, MYOB! Whatever you decide to share is your choice. I hope those who keep asking have taken a lesson from you.
Kris says
Just tell people you have decided to stop at perfection. Your reasons for not having another are your own. If you change your mind, you can tell people when you are 24 weeks along.
Lisa says
You three(four-burger not bump) are ONE CLASS ACT! You are the Princess for the USA! Blame it on the estrogen why all the asking.
We love you guys.
Erin K. says
Well said. Good for you for speaking up and for all women in this position. I HATED when people said things to me because a)it did take me a long time to get pregnant and b)I did have a miscarriage. However well intended the constant questioning and comments hurt.
YoungHouseLove says
I’m sorry for you loss Erin.
xo
s
Sarah says
I think it’s terrible you have to address this at all! People need to back off!
Eryn says
What a gracious way of saying what needs to be said! We tried for two years for a second baby (who is due any day now!), and I endured endless questions about when/if we were going to have more children. It is so heartbreaking when you’re already facing disappointment. I can say confidently that God’s plan for my pregnancy has proven much better than mine (or everyone else’s). Thank you for your honesty and God bless all your future projects -home or otherwise.
Eryn
Joy says
You guys are the best. Great post, Sherry. I think we readers are a bit spoiled by your over-sharing, but some folks probably take that to an entitlement level by constantly pestering you with this issue. Thanks for always being so open and honest with us.
As others have written, you can never assume what’s happening in someone’s private life. You did the right thing by publishing this and reclaiming a shred of well-deserved privacy.
Sarah Jane says
Those comments are hurtful to me because I greatly desire another child, but our finances are such that it would be foolish to have another baby, since we’re living from paycheck to paycheck. But, since we live in the DC Metro area, most of our friends are making a lot of money and think many others are able to do that as well.
Caitlin says
I am glad you decided to say something! Even well-meaning inquiries can make people uncomfortable. A couple of my friends are having a really hard time getting pregnant, and to have people constantly ask is disheartening. The safest approach is to let people tell you when they’re ready!
Kristin says
Amen, amen, amen. Good for you. :)
Katie D says
Thank you for sharing, Sherry and John. What a sweet way to encourage others to respect your privacy.
Hubs and I have been constantly asked when we’ll have another since our Bug was 6 months old! (She’ll be 3 in July). We too had some birthing complications, which we choose not to share with everyone. I can only imagine how difficult it can be to field this issue when you bare your life on your blog for all to see. You’ve been so sweet and so gracious–hopefully this stops most preggo-related comments for awhile!
Katie @ Domestiphobia.net says
This is so timely. I actually just had a piece published on the Huffington Post about family choices and why we tend to be so judgmental about how people decide to build their families. (Except of course they changed the title to something more controversial.) My husband and I have been together for 10 years and don’t have kids. The truth is, we’re not sure we want them. But that’s not an acceptable answer to most people when they ask, and I just keep wondering why that is. What if I had medical issues? Would they keep asking then? What if I had one? Would people chastise me for having an “only” child? If I have two? The problems would be with how I raise them. What I feed them. What I name them. Seems like we can never win.
In the end, what matters is that you guys do what you feel is best for your family. And what a beautiful family it is!
Melissa says
I can tell that you are upset and frustrated. While I don’t think it’s right to ever ask a lady if she is pregnant, I do think that you can look at the questioning in a positive way. What do you and Princess Kate have in common? You ladies are famous! You have a popular blog, wrote a bestselling book, and toured the country signing autographs-you are well-known and people are interested in you and your lives! And that is a really, really good thing when being well-liked influences your livelihood. I’m sure there are times when it is fun to be well-known, and times when it isn’t, but I think that it is important to get to a place where what people say and ask don’t affect you so much. Hugs to you both…and to Kate. I bet that sweet girl fields TONS of questions!!!
Carrie says
Thank you-not only for writing such a beautiful post but also having the courage to say that there are personal boundaries! Today, people seem to think that they get to know everything and even if you choose to blog about your lives publicly that is still not true.
As someone who has struggled with infertility and had multiple miscarriages, I understand how painful it is when people ask what they think is an innocent question. We need more people like you to say, “It is not an innocent question and it is not ok.”
I agree with what a previous poster said about deleting comments of this genre automatically. It is not a slippery slope…you have made yourselves clear and from this point forward it is just rude.
Best of luck for as many safe and healthy pregnancies as you want, when you want them!
JennP says
This post should be printed in a place where everybody should have to read it. The lack of etiquette out there is kind of shocking! I was at the grocery store last January with my daughter. Knowing that I may be pregnant, I bought a test, and the cashier asked me about it! Two days later when I went back, she loudly asked me in front of another employee if it had been positive. I know she was just trying to be friendly, so I just told her, but I definitely hadn’t planned on announcing it to strangers at 5 weeks. Oh, and just as an aside, my first delivery was scary like yours (premature, emergency c/s, general anesthesia) and my second pregnancy was picture perfect! Best of luck when the time comes, and I promise not to ask ;)
Jen says
I really enjoyed this post and completely understand. As someone in the trenches of infertility, I know how much it hurts to be asked about pregnancy and all of the “why don’t you have kids?”, “when are you going to have kids?” questions. Years pass by and the pain of being questioned doesn’t seem to lessen. People’s hearts are always in the right place, but still…it’s tough. Life is wonderful though, just as it is. I think when you experience pregnancy issues, in a way it can make you realize how happy you can be just loving the ones you’re with, and how grateful you are for each person in your life that’s around to be loved.
jja says
I can not even imagine that a complete stranger (blog reader) asks you something like this?! It is far beyong my imagination…
Kate says
As I have a “reader” for all my favourite blogs, I miss a lot of the comments; but I kinda figured you were fielding a bunch of pregnancy questions just by the way you feel the need to caption some pics with, “Nope, still not pregnant, Mom!”
It’s sad that the writing of this post is even necessary. A good social rule should be to never ever ever ask if someone is pregnant. There are so many factors that can cause hurting to the recipient.
Luckily I have been so very clear about NOT wanting kids that my constantly fielded question is, “have you changed your mind?” It’s pretty ridiculous how many people care about every other person’s body.
Maybe you could just build a banner for the top of the blog that reads, “Still not pregnant!”
Rebecca says
Very classy post! Good reminder to everyone too.
I also have to chime in about possible names if you were to get a doggy brother for Burger. I have a french bulldog named Tater Tot, and I still laugh whenver I tell people his name! Meatload would be great too!
YoungHouseLove says
Haha I love Tater Tot!
xo
s
Kate says
I’m amazed how many people seem to think it is okay to get involved in other people’s baby making business. It is one of the most personal and private decisions a couple/person can make; in my mind it is an off limits topic until the person brings it up. I don’t ask my sisters, my friends, co-workers, or anyone. It is like you said, there is no “good” answer to why someone “isn’t pregnant”; don’t ask because it just makes for a really uncomfortable situation. I think Clara is darling and wonderful, and I’m happy for the little sparkle she adds to your website. I just want everyone in your family to be healthy and happy, regardless of how big or small it is.
Katrina gelino says
Thank you for this post, not only are you speaking for yourself but for a lot of women that struggle with getting pregnant. My husband and I have been trying for two years with countless fertility treatments and thousands of dollars spent. If one more person asks me when we are going to have a baby, I’m going to lose it. Thank you for speaking for us, hopefully it will give some women a new perspective
YoungHouseLove says
Aw you’re welcome Katrina! All the best with everything!
xo
s
Becca says
I have a policy of not asking a woman if she’s pregnant unless I see the baby crowning. This post is marvelously polite. Sorry it was necessary.
[email protected] says
Yes yes yes. I hope your readers get this. I’ve been in all of those situations, and honestly, I never ever ask someone this question: it’s too personal, and you point out so many great points to those that haven’t experience difficulty getting pregant, staying pregant or a traumatic birth situation: Just DON’T. It’s not as cute and funny as it is for the rest of the world that hasn’t experienced difficulties.
Sherry: Thank you so much for posting this: it is so needed, so misunderstood. I’m glad you took the opportunity to write such a needed post for yourself, but you also helped out so many others that need this known and understood.