And now for a bonus Friday afternoon post (aw yeah, I’m a rebel without a cause). Every day on average I get about five readers either asking if I’m pregnant or straight up “calling it” via comments, email, twitter, pinterest, instagram, or carrier pigeon. Which adds up to answering that question – and crushing the dreams of those calling it – around 150 times a month, and a whopping 1,800 times in the last year. The prego-chatter has even hijacked a few comment threads on posts about non-uterus-y topics like room updates and tour infographics. Holy bump-watch, batman! We haven’t seen one of those around here since 2010.
First I’ll get one little detail out of the way: I’m not pregnant. My womb is currently uninhabited.
It’s actually really cool that so many people are excited about the possibility of us expanding this little family of ours. But with the complications of my past (here’s Clara’s birth story for more on that) nothing is guaranteed. My next pregnancy will be high risk and my next child will have a 25% chance of the same life-threatening complication that Clara had. So that definitely contributes to our timing and our general state of mind with regard to any potential bun in the oven. And sometimes all the “you’re prego!” guesses can be a little tough to field day in and day out.
I completely understand that all the excited folks who are inquiring don’t mean any harm (in fact I feel like I should be hugging you while typing this, seriously I love you guys) but in general I think asking someone if they’re pregnant can be a little dicey…
- It can suggest that you think they’ve gained weight (sometimes I have a tummy – thanks burrito! – but it’s not a baby)
- It can unintentionally sadden someone who has had trouble getting pregnant or has miscarried (neither of which I’ve personally encountered up to this point, but I certainly could moving forward)
- It can put them in an uncomfortable position if they are pregnant, but aren’t ready to announce it (which eventually could happen to me for sure)
So this little uterus-centric service announcement is just to solemnly vow to you guys that when the time is right, if we’re blessed with another bouncing bean in the oven, I promise, you will know. Heck, we’ll be so freaking excited that there might be another t-shirt in it for Burger…
So sit tight and know that although you won’t be the first few people we tell (gotta give that privilege to the fam) you’ll definitely hear it straight from our perma-smiling mouths (er, keyboard?) if we reach that safe-to-share milestone. Until then, picture me sipping wine, eating sushi, and soaking up non-prego life as it is right now. With my sweet pooch, my nail-gun-slingin’ hubby, and my little miracle girl (who currently knows the words to nearly every Adam Levine song – seriously, try her).
Thanks so much for understanding, guys. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. And I hope you’ll be sweet to each other in the comments (everyone’s hearts are in the right place about this whole thing). Besides, this means we can all spend more time studying Princess Kate’s royal bump. Where is she hiding that baby? Seriously, can somebody tell me? My belly blocked the view of my feet by 20 weeks (see the second picture in the grid above), so I can only guess that superior lineage = superior baby-hiding prowess.
Lee says
I know there’s already tons of comments, but I wanted to agree. I had a miscarriage in November and I get so sick of people asking when we are going to have kids. I usually just say that we’re working on it, but it’s really no one’s business but me and my husband!
YoungHouseLove says
I’m so sorry for your loss Lee.
xo
s
Sarah says
This post makes me like y’all even more! Congrats to you for sticking it to the crowd, in a cordial way, of course.
Every time I call my mom and need to tell her something, I have to preface it with, “I’m not pregnant”. It’s so annoying to know that everyone is thinking about it and waiting for you to say it. I’ve considered getting pregnant and not telling anyone until the baby is born. Obviously, I’ll look pregnant, but I’d like to mess with people and consistently deny it. Ha!
emily says
such a graceful (and grace-filled) post, sherry! that was handled with a lot of love, it’s so wonderful, i’m so proud to read your blog :D. yes, yes, yes to your three bullet points! perfectly put. happy palm sunday!
tinaehb3 says
I hemmorraged and was a code blue with my beautiful first born. It was the scariest day of my life. I think it was scarier for my husband because I actually don’t remember much. But today we now have 3 beautiful children. I knew if it was God’s will to have more children that we would. The crazier thing is that my sister had a stroke right after the birth of her first child and was told they shouldn’t have any more. Today they have two beautiful boys. We still joke that if she was trying to “one up me” that they could have just bought a dog, she didn’t need to have a stroke. You and only you will know what the right decision is for your family. :)
YoungHouseLove says
So scary! Thank goodness you’re both ok and that you have healthy children. Such a blessing!
xo
s
mary says
I wonder if many (especially younger) readers see you as My Pals- The Perfect Petersiks, where nothing ever goes wrong and no topic is off-limits. LOL
It’s got to be hard to keep the boundaries all up and clear. Great post!
Jana says
What a great post. Kudos to you for saying how you feel about this topic, it definitely took some courage. I can’t imagine how much more magnified it is for you but so many women deal with similar situations and it’s a lesson to others to think before speaking about such personal matters. It’s not a competition, it’s a couple’s personal decision and the woman’s body. Thank you, thank you!
Diana says
Thank you so much for this post! My husband & I have struggled with infertility for almost 4 years (currently on 2 adoption wait lists) and all the questions (until we told people about the adoption) got incredibly hard to take. Your post is also a really nice reminder to be happy with the life I currently have – all the freedom we have until that baby comes. Thank you, it was just what I needed to hear!
monika says
Well done! I’m large-breasted and was mortified when someone at work commented about breast-feeding and the after-math, when my chest will “collapse.” Why is it that when it comes to pregnancy and its cousins, child-rearing and breast-feeding, some of us feel comfortable in commenting and, sometimes touching (the belly) with no compunction. Darn it, some things ought to be left unsaid and untouched–unless there is a very overt solicitation to to either or both. having children is a joyous event but, as you know, it can go horribly wrong; let’s not put any more pressure on an already hormonally-overloaded time in our lives. Good luck in future child/house/dog and other plans. When the time is right I’m sure you’ll be happy to over-share, as $herdog like to say.
Carrie says
Haha, that big brother shirt is too cute!
Jess says
Just as a little aside…I am an only child and I would NEVER have it any other way =) I LOVE being an only – I can’t imagine having to share my parents with anyone else. The main reason I’m an only is my parents health/fertility concerns (I was long-awaited)….but to be honest, and not to sound horrible….I am so grateful they only got me!
Morah says
yeah girl! well said. even though you put aspects of your life out for all of us to follow and connect with, you totally deserve privacy. all the best to you and your family!
Erin says
Yes, please don’t ask. I’ve had friends who had babies die in utero when they were far enough along to have expanded and had to have a D&C. So it takes a few weeks for that uterus to un-puff.
julia says
well said, sherry! i got drawn into reading a comments argument about your uterus a few posts ago and couldn’t believe it!
also, totally agree about princess kate! just saw pics of her and you can’t see her bump at all! where’s the maternity fashion inspiration?!
xo julesinflats.com
Justine says
Such a politely-worded post! It can be rude and/or insensitive to ask anyone if they’re pregnant, for all/any of the reasons you stated, Sherry. Even if you know someone, you may not know the background to their pregnancy, or their decision not to have more children, etc.
My husband and I have one child and are very happy to stay that way, but sometimes we feel that we have to defend our decision to have just one! I’ve not had anyone ask if I’m actually pregnant, but there have been plenty of queries about whether we’re going to have more children. We had no fertility issues and the pregnancy/birth were straightforward, but even so it can be frustrating to field questions about more babies, so I can only imagine how difficult it must be for anyone who has had troubles.
Kristin says
As always, you guys are a class act. :)
schmei says
I’m sorry. I made a comment after the “number 5 is alive” post and then like 10 minutes later I actually tried to see if I could delete it because I felt like a jerk. Way to be classy when some of us are being… ass-y.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw no worries at all! I know you didn’t mean anything by it :)
xo
s
theresa says
You wrote this wonderfully! I have thought the SAME thing many times: that it can sometimes be very hurtful to ask someone if they are pregnant or when then will be. We were trying for (just) a year and that question got old VERY VERY fast.
Thanks for being so polite and putting up with everyone and sharing all your bizz.
theresa says
… “or carrier pigeon” hahaha. :)
Marissa C. says
I’m really really glad you posted this. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and people are constantly asking when we’re going to have kids. I can’t even comment on a friend’s baby’s picture on Facebook without somebody commenting and hinting that it’s my turn. What people don’t realize is that I actually had a miscarriage last year and that it would be really really unsafe for me to have a baby right now, which is heartbreaking. Every time I’m reminded that it seems like I’m the only one that doesn’t have a kid or isn’t currently pregnant, it makes me want to cry. So more power to you for standing up for your privacy!
Katy says
This topic is near to my heart/heartache and has motivated me to comment for the first time ever. You should do what you need to do for your family and ignore the rest of us! We went through infertility and IVF, then lost our first pregnancy with twins at 6 months. I started attending a loss support group and those ladies are amazing! We’ve held hands through each of our subsequent pregnancies and could share all our fears and angst without raining on anyone else’s happy pregnancy parades. Btw, I have a daughter named Clara (she’s almost 3) and an 8 month old, Gus… Both were totally anxiety producing experiences and I’m glad I had lots of hands to hold.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Katy, I’m so sorry for your loss. That support group sounds amazing, as do Clara and Gus :)
xo
s
Allison H. says
Wow Sherry, what a well worded, honest post. I recently found myself commenting on this topic on one of your IG feeds when someone was asking. The way you addressed this is perfect and so classy. I am glad you brought it up and hopefully it will make some think before they speak, to you or any one they know that just so happens to be of child bearing age :)
Mary C says
I avoided Clara’s birth story when you first wrote it since it was too close to my own emergency c-section so I just read it now. Wow. You may be interested in knowing that my own mother had placental abruption with her first born and last born (me) but she had five normal c-section deliveries in between. Both placental abruptions were way back in the day (’50s and ’60s) and even though it was a train wreck, both mom and baby made it through just fine each time. Also…as a mom of seven kids, she never had the luxury of taking it easy or heaven forbid, bedrest. I also know several other women who experienced the same thing (abruption, not the cord prolapse), all at or near full term and all had good outcomes and additional babies later.
I think you stated your position beautifully. You are awesome for addressing this.
YoungHouseLove says
I’m so glad to hear your mom and you and her other baby ended perfectly! I love those stories- so encouraging.
xo
s
KBH says
As a mom of an older child, I visit your blog for your DYI projects. I think people ask you ridiculously personal questions but I am also uncomfortable with some of the personal things you share, especially about Clara. I personally think her privacy should be respected when sharing her birth story or potty training. I believe that could be very uncomfortable for her as gets older (especially when she is a teenager) that so many strangers have read such personal things. I enjoy your blog but pick the posts I want to read based on the content and skip the ones I find too personal.. Best wishes to you and your family.
Jenn says
I’m just watching the comments skyrocket. I knew this would be a popular one!
Today at a restaurant the server asked if I wanted a drink. My friend was like “why did she ask? You’re clearly pregnant”. I gave her the warning: never ever assume a woman is pregnant.
Also, part of me secretly hopes you guys have a second kid and never announce it until it’s here. Sort of like: IN YO FACE, INTERWEBS!
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, that’s so funny that the server asked! I love that you’re spreading the warning – haha!
xo
s
Lisa says
Hahahaha I love the idea of the secret baby… No pictures of Sherry’s body for a few months (or always behind sofas and stuff) and no one will dare to ask after this post hahah – love it!
It could be a little announcement like “guess who has a new baby and secretly changed the nursery in the last months – TA DA”
;)
Casey says
I’m sure I’m not saying anything that hasn’t been said in 1300+ comments… but… I think I just figured out why you guys are so “big.” Yes, there are many reasons you’re good bloggers… but maybe above all else, you’re unfailingly gracious and patient with your readers. I can’t imagine having to be as constantly kind and diplomatic as you are, especially to complete strangers. This is just one of several types of comments that I’m sorry you have to field so often—but congrats on a job well done. :)
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks so much Casey! That’s so sweet of you to say.
xo
s
Tara says
You go, girl. I’m so impressed that you were able to handle this so respectfully. <3 it.
Shannon says
Just wanted to say “You go girl!” or maybe “You go Petersiks!” and also PS I am your fan from afar in Vancouver, Canada, northern style represent :)
katie says
Amen to that. Y’all rock.
Stacey says
Sigh. You meet the right man and everyone wants to know when he will propose. He asks you to marry him and the same day everyone wants to know when you will have the ceremony. At the reception everyone wants to know when you are planning to have children. The first child is born and everyone wants to know when the next one will be on the way.
Two years ago my boyfriend of four years and I bought a house and we moved in together. We are so happy and content and savouring life just the way it is at the moment. We will get married and we will have children – WHEN WE ARE READY! It is exhausting fielding all the questions all the time and hurtful when people can’t appreciate that you just aren’t in any rush.
I am sometimes appalled at the noseyness of some readers (no matter how well-meaning) when it comes to growing your family, Sherry. Although you and John share so much of your lives with us there are some things that are meant just for you. I respect you for being so patient for so long and I really hope this post goes a long way to certain readers giving you a little more space.
Sending you lots of love and hugs and the best wishes when you do fall pregnant again.
Eileen says
Whoa, over 1K of comments! You know you’ve done good when people are so active in response. You always present things in such an approachable manner, too. That part of your charm. :)
I don’t bring up the topic at all unless someone else does. It’s so personal and diverse that I couldn’t even begin to guess how to start. I was vehemently against telling ANYONE we were pregnant before 12 weeks because if something had happened, it would have broken my heart every time I would have had to explain it. I’m reminded of an old tv show (hey, there are life lessons in tv sometimes…) where the hero is being chivalrous by not confirming or denying uh..certain events. The logic is that if you always deny it, then the times you don’t, you’re basically confirming it anyway.
Bruna @morgbu.com says
Thanks for sharing this with us. I love your blog n such an ispiration to all of us bloggers. I admire how open about your personal life you are.
Haley says
Well done Sherry!! Another great post!!
P.s. there are 11 years between my sister and I and we are best friends, not always the case, as tipical sister can be, but I’m so glad we never had the opportunity to live in each other pockets, amen to big age gaps!! Lol
Kristen says
I love how the post ‘Multiplying Egg Chairs’ is at linked ironically at the bottom of the post. Sherry is making chairs, not babies internet people!
Jen says
After a women is finally able to answer yes to the “are you pregnant” question, we then begin dredding the ‘when is the baby coming’ questions. Everyone thought I’d go early, and I seriously spent the last 4 weeks of pregnancy tell everyone ‘That’s up to God, not me…’ His ‘due date’ was the worst, I made my husband handle all phone calls. Obviously the questions were well intended, but the in the middle of summer at 40 weeks…you just are too tired and swollen to want to repeat the same answer.
Lacey says
Good for you to speak up!
Sarah says
{stands and applauds} As someone who struggled with infertility for many years, AMEN. It was a major battle every.single.day to keep myself composed and to not be crying from the sadness and frustration and one well meaning “when are you going to have another?” or “aren’t you pregnant yet??” could undo all that and send me into a tailspin.
I 100% know people mean well, but please…just…don’t. If and when it happens, you’ll know when you’re supposed to know.
You said it so graciously! Thank you!
Nicole says
I think i love you even more!! everyone in the world should read this post!! I can’t tell you how many times I have been asked if I am prego or when we are going to start, i don’t want to tell them we have been trying for a year and actually just had a miscarriage.. Its not easy for some couples and people asking just makes it that much harder…
Hopefully when the time is right it will happen again for us and we will be able to carry full term!! Just gotta stay positive and keep all the others from asking such persoanlly and that hurtful question!!
and PS i toatally LOVE that Clara knows every Adam Levine song!!! I might have a little cursh on him… ok who am I kidding, hes beautiful and i love him :)
You guys rock!!! <3
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, you’re so funny Nicole! I’m so sorry for your loss, but so inspired by your positive attitude. All the best of luck with everything!
xo
s
Anne says
I don’t normally comment, but I can’t resist. SO very well said, Sherry. That’s a tough topic to approach, and you did it very well and very tastefully. I wish you luck with whatever your future holds.
michelle says
This was such a great post, you wrote it was such class! I wish everyone could read this. I’ve been married just about 7 months and the questions started before the wedding! I want to have kids but I also want to be settled in our married life. I think what’s worse than being asked “when” for me, is that I have some friends who aren’t married and try to make sure I am not pregnant as to not be too far ahead of them, makes me feel like when the time happens I can’t tell them or they won’t truly be happy for us. What a pickle! Just remember “Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you’ll be criticized anyway.”- that Eleanor Roosevelt was a smart lady!
Maddie says
I just want to echo everyone else’s comments and add the chorus of “you rock, Sherry!” I’ve been getting frustrated on your behalf every time I see the preggo question come up, and think this response is very well put and gracious. Thanks for writing this, because I know a lot of people who feel the same way. Now, keep on being awesome!
Sarah says
It always astounds me that people would ask that question to a stranger (or anyone for that matter!) This post was incredibly gracious, thoughful and sweet, as always. That’s why I keep coming back here. Bless your family, whether it stays as is, or multiplies. Y’all are good people
Crystal says
More importantly… Where are you getting a good burrito in Richmond? I’m from Texas & everytime I went to visit my sister there I couldn’t wait to come back to some mexican food. Yum, I need a taco :)
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, I just smother Chipotle items with hot sauce. There are some great food trucks now with good burritos/tacos though!
xo
s
Jennifer says
Would it really be so bad if you guys decided that one precious, beautiful, smart little girl would complete your family? Um, No. You guys are great!
My husband and I are young (I’m 23 and he is 25) and we have been married 2 years and just bought a house. Now we are getting the questions all the time. Why do people feel uncomfortable asking things like “are you using birth control?” but saying “are you trying to have a baby?” is completely fair game. I think most of the time people just don’t know what to talk about and that is a hot topic to speculate on.
Anyways, I love your blog and your book and think you have just the most adorable little family. It would be great to have more kids, more puppies, or even more rooms to decorate, but really you guys seem happy where you are and that is what it is all about! Cheers!
Val says
You handled that so gracefully. My Maggie made a similarly dramatic entrance into the world, so I understand what you mean about having complicated feelings about pregnancy. It’s not that you’re not excited about the prospect of another baby, but you just don’t get to be as blissfully naive as you were the first time.
People do mean well, but I think that you guys are in the very awkward position of being kind of like celebrities but also being way more accessible. So people aren’t shy about taking liberties and saying things that they probably wouldn’t say to someone that they were talking to face to face.
I hope this post helps people remember to take it down a notch! I cringe every time you have to say, “No, not pregnant!” in a post. You could also try developing the habit of posting a picture of yourself drinking a glass of wine while painting, eating sushi while brad-nailing, sipping on a margarita while upholstering, etc. :)
And yes, Kate Middleton has the advantage of a very long torso. See also: Cher. Contrast with: Jessica Simpson and Kim Kardashian.
Ann says
I’m so glad you posted this! All the speculative comments made me feel weird. We’re just getting started TTC, and I can’t imagine constantly being asked about the state of the uterus. :)
JPB says
I had a coworker ask me that two weeks ago when I was in the middle of waiting for a miscarriage to start. It felt like I had been slapped in the face. There was no good way to respond, technically I was pregnant but I wasn’t going to be having a baby. I responded by asking him if he was calling me fat.
What sort of grown-up never learned not to ask that question?
YoungHouseLove says
Oh man, I’m so sorry about that JPB! How awful.
xo
s
Veronica Greear says
GREAT job handling a touchy topic!!! So gracious. I was getting defensive on behalf of y’all myself! Hope we all keep our thoughts/hopes (on this topic at least)/suspicions to ourselves going forward and allow y’all the fun of having a secret when you want it to be a secret and the joy of announcing it when you want to do that!
Love,
Veronica
Sandee says
I’m more of a lurker too but felt compelled to comment – I’m sorry you had to address this so publicly and openly but so appreciate your tact, grace, and empathy in doing so. Pregnancy, childbirth, and even raising kids is one of the few experiences in this day and age that people willingly enter into that still carries actual risk, in terms of life and death. Each of us, and our kids, is a true miracle in the purest sense of the word, and people would do well to remember that. No one goes around asking anyone “when are you going to win the lottery?” as if it’s up to you – life is uncertain, precious, and complicated, thank you for remaining humble to that fact and for gently encouraging others to do the same.
Colleen says
Great post! While I agree that people mean well, it’s difficult when you are the own being asked. Having been one who endured infertility and a scary abruption that ended happily, like sweet Clara, I finally adopted the “they call babies a miracle for a reason” (while smiling sweetly) response and that seemed to end the questioning.
YoungHouseLove says
Ooh that’s a smart response! I love it.
xo
s
Caroline says
Sherry, you said it so well! I find it especially hard to be kind when asked the question because my husband and I just found out that we have a 0% chance of having children. Now I get people responding with the dreaded “Well, you never know…my friend tried for years and one day, it just happened”.