And now for a bonus Friday afternoon post (aw yeah, I’m a rebel without a cause). Every day on average I get about five readers either asking if I’m pregnant or straight up “calling it” via comments, email, twitter, pinterest, instagram, or carrier pigeon. Which adds up to answering that question – and crushing the dreams of those calling it – around 150 times a month, and a whopping 1,800 times in the last year. The prego-chatter has even hijacked a few comment threads on posts about non-uterus-y topics like room updates and tour infographics. Holy bump-watch, batman! We haven’t seen one of those around here since 2010.
First I’ll get one little detail out of the way: I’m not pregnant. My womb is currently uninhabited.
It’s actually really cool that so many people are excited about the possibility of us expanding this little family of ours. But with the complications of my past (here’s Clara’s birth story for more on that) nothing is guaranteed. My next pregnancy will be high risk and my next child will have a 25% chance of the same life-threatening complication that Clara had. So that definitely contributes to our timing and our general state of mind with regard to any potential bun in the oven. And sometimes all the “you’re prego!” guesses can be a little tough to field day in and day out.
I completely understand that all the excited folks who are inquiring don’t mean any harm (in fact I feel like I should be hugging you while typing this, seriously I love you guys) but in general I think asking someone if they’re pregnant can be a little dicey…
- It can suggest that you think they’ve gained weight (sometimes I have a tummy – thanks burrito! – but it’s not a baby)
- It can unintentionally sadden someone who has had trouble getting pregnant or has miscarried (neither of which I’ve personally encountered up to this point, but I certainly could moving forward)
- It can put them in an uncomfortable position if they are pregnant, but aren’t ready to announce it (which eventually could happen to me for sure)
So this little uterus-centric service announcement is just to solemnly vow to you guys that when the time is right, if we’re blessed with another bouncing bean in the oven, I promise, you will know. Heck, we’ll be so freaking excited that there might be another t-shirt in it for Burger…
So sit tight and know that although you won’t be the first few people we tell (gotta give that privilege to the fam) you’ll definitely hear it straight from our perma-smiling mouths (er, keyboard?) if we reach that safe-to-share milestone. Until then, picture me sipping wine, eating sushi, and soaking up non-prego life as it is right now. With my sweet pooch, my nail-gun-slingin’ hubby, and my little miracle girl (who currently knows the words to nearly every Adam Levine song – seriously, try her).
Thanks so much for understanding, guys. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. And I hope you’ll be sweet to each other in the comments (everyone’s hearts are in the right place about this whole thing). Besides, this means we can all spend more time studying Princess Kate’s royal bump. Where is she hiding that baby? Seriously, can somebody tell me? My belly blocked the view of my feet by 20 weeks (see the second picture in the grid above), so I can only guess that superior lineage = superior baby-hiding prowess.
Lisa says
Thank you for posting this. Well said! xoxo
Love you guys!
Kelsey // It Takes Two says
I hardly ever comment here, but I have to say, I’m *really* glad you posted this. I have been appalled at how many people are so obsessed with you being pregnant and think it’s acceptable to ask you about it. Your reproductive status is a very private thing, and it seems like people forget that you’re just a regular human being, you’re not someone whose life is to be lived for our entertainment. Kudos to you for sticking up for yourself. I hope the questions stop (or at least die down a little) now :)
Rachel K. says
I totally agree with everything you said! I just went through this myself. It is a very personal topic and I was lucky that no one asked if I was pregnant before I announced at 3 months, but we got a lot of questions when we were trying and it took us a while so each one was like an unintentional slap in the face. People mean well, but need to know that it isn’t okay to ask a woman if she is pregnant or trying. I consider this a public service announcement :)
Kristy Diebold says
You go, classy Guuurl!!
Kari says
Sherry, you are awesome. I cringe every time I see one of those “OMG ARE YOU PRGNT LOLOLOLOL????!!!! comments. I know you’re too polite to say it, but it’s nobody’s damn business!
I had the hardest time getting pregnant with my daughter two and a half years ago, and recently experienced a miscarriage. It’s annoying enough when people feel like one of the most important and life-changing decisions you will make (and sometimes not even be able to weigh in on yourself, hello infertility and surprise pregnancies) is somehow in any shape or form their business, but when you are struggling with issues like miscarriage or infertility, they can be absolutely soul crushing. Anyways, I admire you guys so much for being so public with so many things and I hope that your family gets the respect for your privacy that you so totally deserve.
Hugs and best wishes!
samantha says
i just signed up for the thing that lets you post with a picture so this is me trying it out to see if it works lol! dont mind me…
Laura B. says
Two thumbs up. Double like!
Amber says
$her-dog – you are one class act. Well done lady.
Carla says
Wow, Sherry. I didn’t know Clara’s birth story, and I definitely cried reading it. I’m so glad you had such a happy ending :) After that, this post seems even more gracious. I’m glad you guys are happy (and I’m really glad I found your blog!).
Ali says
Yes, good for you for writing this! I think you have been so patient with all the questions and comments and what-not about it! I agree that all the asking is just not appropriate. I first realized this when my cousin and his wife had been trying to get pregnant for 2.5 years. They’d had multiple miscarriages, too. I was there when someone asked my cousin’s wife, “So when are you guys going to get cracking on the babies?!” And she burst into tears and said, “We’re trying.” :( (they now have 4 kids, so the story has a happy ending). Anyway, kudos for addressing it. Your family is your business!
Heather S. says
Sherry, you are awesome! You are such an honest, real person and I love that about you. When I check in on Facebook and see those kinds of comments and prying questions it irritates me and makes me want to tell those people to get out of your business and let you live your life in private. You did a great job of conveying that message in your post with grace and dignity!
Sara says
You guys are so incredible. This was such a tactful way to tell people “shut the *%#& up!” I bet it will help a lot of other people who are going through some of these issues as well.
Meghan says
Good for you! You and your lovely family already share so much with us, is nothing sacred these days :)
kristin says
Great post. Asking people when they will have another baby or if they are pregnant is really overstepping. Its such a personal decisions.
My daughter was born at 33 weeks, and the 3 weeks she was in the NICU was the hardest time of my life. I would love to have a second child, but have to heal from that experience first. There is no guarantee that our next child wouldn’t also be early.
YoungHouseLove says
Amen! Take all the healing time that you need Kristin! I know it doesn’t always come easy :)
xo
s
Sarah says
This was about as gracious as it gets. I’ve long wondering how you manage to field those “bump watch” questions day after day, in light of complications with your first pregnancy, and am happy to see such a sweet but candid “lay off but I love you guys and know you mean well” post. You may have a second career in diplomacy, should the DIY gig ever get old.
Theresa says
Love this. Summing up a lot of my own feelings on the topic!
Paula says
Well said, Sherry. I had a miscarriage in December and really feel uncomfortable when someone asks when I’m going to be pregnant.
YoungHouseLove says
I’m so sorry for your loss Paula.
xo
s
Jessica says
I love this post and I love you guys! I struggled with infertility for two years before getting pregnant with our miracle baby due this July, so this hits close to home for me! I had a really hard time with the constant questions and guesses from our family and friends during those two years.
Keep sipping that wine and eating all the sushi you want! When the timing is right for you all, you’ll have tons of supporters!
Kellie says
This was perfect. Being someone who has and is struggling with infertility, I really don’t love those comments people write. We are pursuing adoption through foster care, and that has lead to a whole different batch of questions!
YoungHouseLove says
Lots of luck with everything Kellie!
xo
s
Krysta says
Kellie – we adopted our two wonderful sons through foster care! I wish you the best on your journey (and, yes, I totally know what questions you are referring to). You might enjoy this post I just read this morning: http://scienceblogs.com/casaubonsbook/2013/03/12/what-foster-parents-wish-other-people-knew/
JoAnn in NJ says
Mazel Kellie!
I applaud you – not for the faint of heart! Good luck to you! (and yes I know the questions that brings up too!)
Chelsea says
Very well said! I can’t imagine how this all must have felt and been. I’m nearing thirty and just got married and have yet to turn down an alcoholic beverage (which, granted, maybe means I should be doing that more? oops?) without someone asking, “Are you pregnant?” I think I’m at four or five times, so 150 times a month?! Wow. Thanks for quieting the masses with this well-written post!
Brenna says
I am so impressed with the tact and grace you’ve shown here, while addressing comments that must have been very hurtful, over a long time, to prompt such a post at all.
As a mom of one, I can tell you – one is a perfectly wonderful number of kids! You just do what’s right for you, and keep on being your awesome selves. :)
Sarah says
Thank you for laying out your reasoning in a clear and contientious way. Especially from those of us who have had miscarriages, it can be extremely stressful having people ask you all the time if you’re pregnant or when you’re going to try again. You can read my story here: http://www.thegraysparrow.blogspot.com
YoungHouseLove says
I’m so sorry for your loss Sarah.
xo
s
Maria says
Good for you! Way to express your thoughts in a gracious and nice way. After 8 years of dating and 1.5 years of marriage, I’m starting to get the questions as well, of course not to the extent of YHL Baby Watch 24/7. One coworker said as she eyed my belly, “Are you sure you aren’t?”. Yup pretty sure. That’s my sandwich.
As for Kate, I’m guessing its because she’s so tall and obviously, can do no wrong ;) Us short girls don’t have a chance.
Jessie says
Nicest STFU ever. You’re Amazing, Sherry.
Amber says
$her-dog – you are one class act. Picture me virtually saying ‘when the time is right’ to everyone for you, just like I did for my sister when it took her a year to get preggers with her second one and I knew the questions were upsetting to her. I got your back lady!
Lauren says
Kudos to you for being so tactful and positive in addressing this! Hopefully this puts an end to the crazy speculation and everyone can chill out!
Steph says
Without sounding rude, this is why I’ve always hated all of the “you’re pregnant!” comments. I always thought it would be so uncomfortable for you guys when you did get pregnant again, because how can answer that it you’re not ready to share? Now you can just link to this post :)
This was a really graceful way to say this!
Melissa says
Lovely post Sherry. I so appreciate it. As someone who tried to get pregnant for 5 years with multiple miscarriages all fairly top secret, I cringed every time I saw one of the pregnancy comments about you. I couldn’t imagine how I would handle those comments if directed at me. You are a classy lady and you have a beautiful family. XO
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Melissa, I’m so sorry for your loss.
xo
s
Audrey says
This has often bothered me when reading comments on your blog. I think you have definitely handled the situation very gracefully.
It is something that drives me crazy when people do this to me. I can’t even just be sick without being “OMG so pregnant”. Why can’t i just have the stomach flu? People also like to tell me WHEN I should get pregnant. My husband and I have not even decided if we are going to have a third. Why would someone think they deserve to make that decision for me? And no, I don’t think we need to “try for a boy”, as if our two beautiful girls are somehow not enough.
Sorry for the rant. That is just my biggest pet peeve ever. Good luck with whatever happens!
Amy says
Very thoughtful post, Sherry. I often read through the comments on your posts and it shocks me how often you get asked that question.
Another important bullet point – some people don’t want kids at all and shouldn’t be forced to explain their decision to others. My husband and I are perfectly happy being a family of two (plus two feline companions) but I’m constantly fielding questions (and judgment) about our lack of procreative activity. I only hope I can respond as tactfully as you have here!
Nicky says
You go girlfriend! I’m so saddened that you’ve even had to write this post – people asking people if they’re pregnant is one of my pet hates. It’s so rude, intrusive and none of their business. You’ve written beautifully, and handled it much more pleasantly than I could have. I don’t get the fascination – there’s only a maximum of 9 months that people will have to wait, and not be in on the secret. And then, a lifetime of knowing!
jamie says
Thank you for this. As someone who has experienced 2 miscarriages and difficulty conceiving, I always cringe when I see it pop up on YHL. I know it’s not the intent but it always makes me feel like people are bragging when the truth is, it’s not always so easy and not everyone gets the happy ending. I really respect how you are asking people to chill out. And I hope they do. And I hope your dreams (and mine!) come true.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Jamie, I hope your dream comes true too. And I’m so sorry for your loss.
xo
s
Megan says
Bravo! You guys are so gracious to let us into your lives. You guys know what’s best for your family and we all think you’re fabulous. I could not agree with and respect your opinions more!
Kimberly says
Item number two hurts when people ask. Thank you for pointing that out!
Katie P says
As others have said, this is the most incredibly gracious way to approach this question. :) I think that although you and John share yourselves with the world, you shouldn’t be expected to share everything – I think a lot of people see the happy bits of pregnancy and forget about all the opportunities for sadness along with it.
I wish you all the luck when you eventually find yourselves ready, (if ever), but I’m happy enough just reading Claras antics :)
Heidi says
Dave Barry had some great advice when it comes to women and pregnancy: ” You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.”
Audrey says
Haha I remember hearing this. My father once alluded to our bank teller being pregnant. She was not, as she told my father “No, sir, I’m not pregnant, just fat.” He never did it again.
Dominique says
Last November my twin pregnancy came to a very traumatic 28 week end to which I gave birth to preemie twin boys who almost died and just this past month came home.
That brings our kiddo total to 3 boys…all under the age of 2.
I get the question, so when are you going to try for a girl ALL OF THE TIME.
When in fact I am dealing with the trauma of the twins birth still…they are just one month adjusted and 4 months old…I feel like the paint in their nursery isn’t even dry yet and people are already all over me.
This is the most polite, sweet answer to those, meaning well but sometimes stinging comments.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Dominique, I’m so sorry for that scare! So glad your twins are doing so well.
xo
s
Christine says
That title cracks me up! I have only had that happen to me once when a friend saw an unfortunate picture of me from the side and asked if anyone had any announcements. It still kinda bugs me! Can’t imagine how you must deal.
Jennifer says
This post is so much more patient and polite than I could have managed in your shoes. I think’d I’d have been screaming obcenities by now.
Amy says
As the mother of one child I had to field this question more times than I can count. There are a myriad of reasons to have only one child none of which which is anyone else’s concern. And should you decide to try again best of luck to you, But you shouldn’t feel like you need to share it with the world.
Emily F says
I’m so sad that you had to write this post! But so thankful that you did! Hopefully people will listen to your wishes and stop with the baby watch! I always get so annoyed when people assume you are pregnant. It is such a personal thing that you should be able to share when you are ready! I guess they don’t think of the hurt, embarassment, or awakwardness that they could be causing.. And.. I guess that’s what happens when you are famous. (and you two – err.. you four – are TOTALLY famous!!) People forget that you are people… I’m just happy that you keep posting bits of your house and your life for us to enjoy! Your site is my first stop every morning! Love it!!!! :)
Mindi says
people are so funny. first, when you’re dating, it’s “when’s the wedding?”, then “baby?”. and, next up, “when are you having another?” haha, seriously, though, this is so very well said. people mean well, but these questions can be very uncomfortable.
love your blog! to be truthful, i started reading b/c i love burger (we have a monty who could be his twin!), but i’ve found some useful hints while burger stalking :)
Amanda @ Serenity Now says
I think you fielded this post in a most gracious way. It CAN be really awkward to have people ask you. I gained some weight (okay, a lot of weight) after my second child, and I’ve been asked several times if I’m pregnant again. It really makes you feel self-conscious and uncomfortable. Great post!
Marissa says
This was a great post! I had a miscarriage on Thanksgiving, and it’s really frustrating when people ask “when are you having another baby,” or “are you pregnant,” because they know we are trying again. I’d just like to tell people when I’m ready. My closest friends have been really great, but some people just don’t get it.
I also completely agree with you about Kate M. Where is that baby??? I was bigger then her at like 10 weeks.
heather says
*Standing round of applause* You just kept that so kind, so sweet, and so classy. The thing is, it felt really genuine too. We have NO children and are planning on staying that way for a while we decided, and since I’m almost 30 and Andy is 30, people like to ask us when we’re starting our family. The worst part is that it’s not even family and friends, it’s acquaintances, etc. When you have no children and people say, “when are you starting a family?” it boggles my mind. I have a husband, two dogs, and very many loving immediate and extended relatives. I *have* a family.
Plus I’m pretty sure there’s a curve that goes like this:
No kids – “When are you having kids?”
One kid – “When are you having another kid?”
Two kids – “Oh, you’re having a third? Good for you.” OR “Have a third. Going from two to three is nothing.”
Three kids and pregnant again (I.E. Four +) – “You’re having another? Wow. Are you crazy?”
WHAT?! My uterus is off limits for conversation unless I start it. Thanks.
Lesley says
Heather you are so right with your ‘curve of questions’. I wish people just wouldn’t ask such personal questions. Not only does it sound like you are asking the person if they are having sex, you just don’t know what someone is going through. I would love to have another child but can’t. I have such baby fever it hurts.
I get so mad at people asking Sherry day in and day out for asking her. Sherry this was so polite and to the point. I truly hurt with you when someone asks or when you have to put disclaimers on your posts. I think you should just delete all comments that ask about it.
Ana says
Though I don’t have kids, I do have friends in complicated and even tragic situations where being asked constantly — or even once — if they’re pregnant (again) yet could cause them pain.
One friend with a high risk for miscarriage recently started showing though it’s very early and she didn’t want to say anything before she knew if everything was OK. Another friend has had several miscarriages and just recently found out she’s having a healthy pregnancy; she and her husband had to endure a lot of “still not pregnant yet” questions during a very hard period in their lives.
In probably the worst case, a friend lost her baby two weeks before her due date. So if people who don’t know that were to say something to her about adding to the family, well, they better be prepared for emotions to spill out.
If and when you and John add to the family (biologically or through adoption), we’ll all be happy for you. And will overwhelm you with questions about all kinds of other things. :)
Crystal @ 29 Rue House says
Well said Sherry. I think it is great that you finally put a list of why not to ask out there for anyone who hadn’t thought of them yet. Just a good PSA.
Jessica says
Can I just say, I feel you on the anxiety about doing the baby thing again? I miscarried my first pregnancy, and spent my second with massive anxiety. We’re talking about having another kiddo, and I spend WAY too much time thinking, “What if it happens again?” So I feel ya. If and when you have subsequent kiddos, I will be super excited for you. And if you don’t, I will be super excited for you. You guys do what you have to do.
Chris says
People are nosy…bottom line. Having 3 kiddos, we get “Was she planned?” or “You’re not going to have any more are you???” Good for you for laying that out there. I can’t imagine fielding those questions so.many.times. :)
Angie says
Love it that you said something. And so politely! I wonder, has blogging helped you be or become diplomatic, or is it a default mode for you? A backdrop of griping and sad faces combined with overly intense and time-consuming discussion with my husband would be the only way I’d be able to post something so…nice…about a subject so personal.
YoungHouseLove says
That’s a really interesting question. I think blogging has taught me to deal with a wider range of feedback about how I live my life because I receive a much wider range of those reactions. Haha! Does that make sense? In my first job (in advertising) I was never told how to decorate my house or parent my child or asked personal things like if I wore thongs or if I was prego – but I think those strange blogger-challenges have done me good. I feel stretched in a good way, like I’m learning and growing from even the strangest of queries. Haha! And for the most part I know that folks are coming from a kind place (even when they tell me how to decorate or parent, I always remind myself that they’re just trying to help and that 100 people would approach certain situations in 100 different ways).
xo
s
T.G. says
Wait, people ask you if you wear thongs? That is so weird and gross! Well said on all fronts, people are crazy. I’m gay, and my gf and I would like to some day get married and have babies, and people sometimes say some really bizarre and tactless things in an effort to be politically correct.
Thanks for being so kind!
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, oh yes, I get all sorts of strange questions like the thong thing (I think the internet, like too much tequila, can make some people very bold) but those aren’t very frequent (and usually just make me die laughing) so I’m good with pleading the fifth on ’em. Haha! Thankfully there’s no need to do a State Of My Underwear Drawer Address!
xo
s