And now for a bonus Friday afternoon post (aw yeah, I’m a rebel without a cause). Every day on average I get about five readers either asking if I’m pregnant or straight up “calling it” via comments, email, twitter, pinterest, instagram, or carrier pigeon. Which adds up to answering that question – and crushing the dreams of those calling it – around 150 times a month, and a whopping 1,800 times in the last year. The prego-chatter has even hijacked a few comment threads on posts about non-uterus-y topics like room updates and tour infographics. Holy bump-watch, batman! We haven’t seen one of those around here since 2010.
First I’ll get one little detail out of the way: I’m not pregnant. My womb is currently uninhabited.
It’s actually really cool that so many people are excited about the possibility of us expanding this little family of ours. But with the complications of my past (here’s Clara’s birth story for more on that) nothing is guaranteed. My next pregnancy will be high risk and my next child will have a 25% chance of the same life-threatening complication that Clara had. So that definitely contributes to our timing and our general state of mind with regard to any potential bun in the oven. And sometimes all the “you’re prego!” guesses can be a little tough to field day in and day out.
I completely understand that all the excited folks who are inquiring don’t mean any harm (in fact I feel like I should be hugging you while typing this, seriously I love you guys) but in general I think asking someone if they’re pregnant can be a little dicey…
- It can suggest that you think they’ve gained weight (sometimes I have a tummy – thanks burrito! – but it’s not a baby)
- It can unintentionally sadden someone who has had trouble getting pregnant or has miscarried (neither of which I’ve personally encountered up to this point, but I certainly could moving forward)
- It can put them in an uncomfortable position if they are pregnant, but aren’t ready to announce it (which eventually could happen to me for sure)
So this little uterus-centric service announcement is just to solemnly vow to you guys that when the time is right, if we’re blessed with another bouncing bean in the oven, I promise, you will know. Heck, we’ll be so freaking excited that there might be another t-shirt in it for Burger…
So sit tight and know that although you won’t be the first few people we tell (gotta give that privilege to the fam) you’ll definitely hear it straight from our perma-smiling mouths (er, keyboard?) if we reach that safe-to-share milestone. Until then, picture me sipping wine, eating sushi, and soaking up non-prego life as it is right now. With my sweet pooch, my nail-gun-slingin’ hubby, and my little miracle girl (who currently knows the words to nearly every Adam Levine song – seriously, try her).
Thanks so much for understanding, guys. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. And I hope you’ll be sweet to each other in the comments (everyone’s hearts are in the right place about this whole thing). Besides, this means we can all spend more time studying Princess Kate’s royal bump. Where is she hiding that baby? Seriously, can somebody tell me? My belly blocked the view of my feet by 20 weeks (see the second picture in the grid above), so I can only guess that superior lineage = superior baby-hiding prowess.
MS says
I am so sorry it reached a point where you had to post this. I think you handled this situation gracefully.
Jen says
I wrote a blog post a bit ago about what not to say to people who choose not to raise children, and I love your post! People’s families and private lives are just that, and even the most well-intentioned person can cause hurt.
Lilly says
Well said, Sherry! A gracious response and gentle reminder that no matter how excited you would be for someone, it’s kindest to allow that person to share the happy news when s/he is ready.
Carole says
Although I got far less requests than you it still got tiring. We have 2 but live in Utah so we’re below the average haha. My MIL especially had kept asking when we were having a third. You’d think that the fact a third will put me in a wheelchair and our second was a preemie and was in the NICU a few weeks would earn us a break. Well I made sure to send her pictures of the baby stuff as I cleared it out. That seemed to get the message across finally.
Jennifer C. says
I’m just so happy that you all continue doing what you do. Love all your posts no matter the subject. You do a great job and have a beautiful family! And… seriously, where is Kate M’s bump… lucky girl!
Kristen says
Kudos to you, Sherry, for handling such a private topic (now turned public) with such grace and tact. There are so many good points here. Best wishes for whatever your future may bring.
Claire H says
Such a well-written and well-stated post, thank you. As someone with a body shape that leaves me with a belly no matter how much I work out, I feel insulted when strangers and others ask me when i’m due (happens a lot!). I know they are trying to be friendly, but it always leaves me feeling bad about my body. My heart goes out to those who’ve had to endure this question but are dealing with infertility or miscarriage. When did it become okay to ask people this?
Ann Marie says
Very well put! I think it is ridiculous that you even had to write this post. I read the prego comments all the time and it is annoying. It is a very personal decision between a couple to become pregnant. While it is nice to know that your blog readers love you dearly, I agree that it is not our business wether you are prego or not. I am a nurse and I understand and agree with your caution. Not many of us have lived through what you, John and clara did during her birth. People should understand that many women have complicated pregnancies and birth experiences. It is very traumatic and some women are even left with PTSD symptoms. You are right to advocate for your privacy in that respect.
With that said, I wanna see that fireplace ASAP!!!!!!
Jenn says
You are so adorable. Well said. :)
Melissa Sharp says
I think the peeps calling your supposed pregnancy are trying to be clever. Like, if you really were pregnant you’d be so stunned with their stellar and intune insight that you’ll shove Katie Bower to the side and adopt them as your new BFF.
In other words, they’re lame. ;)
Lisa in Seattle says
Melissa, I’m so glad you said this! I was getting that vibe too and thought I was the only one.
Karen says
So glad you addressed this.
I can’t believe how many comments you get about this. I think it’s completely creepy and stalkerish how so many people are obsessed with this.
If this were a mommy or lifestyle blog… the obsession with the state of your uterus might be understandable. But it’s a DIY blog. The way people can turn a post from spray paint to pregnant is beyond bizarre.
Laura C. says
Thank you so much for posting this! I’ve been married for four years, and we’re very content with our cozy family of two for now, but boy do the questions get exhausting…
Meredith says
Thanks so much for this wonderful post, and articulating what so many of us WOULD say if we had several thousand close friends asking the question (instead of the small circle that most of us face).
Melinda says
Well said! You handled this beautifully and I hope that you won’t have to deal with *so many* inquiries from now on!
cd says
Sorry you even had to write this! I’m not sure why other people’s family plans have become fair game for public speculation, but they certainly seem to have become so.
I don’t like talking about the state of my uterus, either.
Amy D. says
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! As someone who struggled with getting pregnant I can’t say enough how much I appreciate you mentioning that asking someone if they’re pregnant can be dicey! Although I’m now pregnant those two years were brutal and those questions always stung quite a bit, sometimes it was a battle to keep back the tears.
Robin says
I take the pledge to never ask YHL about being pregnant ever. Who’s with me?
J says
Sherry, you are amazing! I really don’t think I could have tackled this subject with the amount of tact you have.
Instead, I would probably answer in an as off-the-cuff way as my mom did when I was a kid and she had an encounter with a woman in the grocery store who asked her if I was ever fed (I was a super skinny kid). Her response?
“Well, when you’ve got five of them, one has to go without food!”
Kudos to you for handling this subject with so much grace- and whenever YOU and YOUR FAMILY decide the time is right, we will all be thrilled to celebrate with you :)
Dail says
My son & DIL fall into the category of ‘wanting a child but it’s not working out for them’ category – so thanks. I wish you the best whichever way it works out for you two.
Megan says
A brave a beautifully written post. Well said!!!
KC says
This post was so perfectly written. I completely admire you for saying it exactly as you have.
Kaitlyn says
Seriously, I could not love this post (or you guys) any more than I do right now! I plan on sharing this post with my family and friends every time they ask me this question.
Sarah J. says
most people are just excited and don’t always remember to be patient and wait for someone to be ready to tell. we have 2 boys close in age and often get teased about when we will have more. but due to health history for my hubby (cancer) it looks like we are done having pregnancies. a lot of people don’t understand their good intentions can bring up a bucket of sad feelings for us.
however, now we are happy to answer their question with a new response, as we are starting the adoption process! so there may be more little ones in our future, but any “bump” they think they noticed is simply too many peanut butter chocolate chip cookies on my part. ;)
Rachael says
I’ve read for ages but never commented. Thank you so much for your second reason. My husband and I will likely never have biological children, and every time someone asks me this (they never seem to ask him about it) I feel like I’m being stabbed in the chest. If I tell people about our infertility, they sputter and get really uncomfortable, which can be satisfying, but honestly I’d just prefer if no one asked about it ever.
You could always say what a friend of mine started to say: “When we start having unprotected sex, you’ll be the first to know!”
Amy says
Sherry I am so sorry this topic had to lead to a blog post but props to you for being that sweet/kind/brave chick …you are just cool as a cucumber!
Like Clara I am the oldest and my brother and I are nearly five years apart. I was able to have some many wonderful experiences with my parents that I know may not have been possible if more siblings had popped up right away. While I don’t remember every moment I have very distinct memories of a few things I shared with just them and I know Clara will too! We first children are blessed in that we get to have two totally devoted parents and eventually some siblings to love on! She is so blessed to have you two. Take time and enjoy every last moment!
HJM says
I just wanted to say thanks for what you said:
“It can unintentionally sadden someone who has had trouble getting pregnant or has miscarried”
My hubby and I have tried to get pregnant for 7 years, and have gone through miscarriage. It ends up being a really sensitive subject when people assume you’re in control over the situation when really you have zero control over your own fertility, and any reference to the baby you don’t have just makes it worse. (I.E. Don’t tell me I should try standing on my head after having you know what.) You just want to scream “TRUST US WE’VE TRIED, WE’RE TRYING!” and move on.
All that to say thank you for pointing that out, that people might not want to hear how baby-less they actually are. Instead say “You’re going to be awesome parents when it happens.” and leave it at that.
YoungHouseLove says
That’s a perfect reaction! And I’m so sorry for your loss HJM.
xo
s
Melissa says
You are so right and almost all women deal with this uncomfortable “baby-outing” at some time or another. Stop the insanity!
Michele @ Moonfield Lane says
Sherry, I am so happy for you guys that you wrote this post. I know that people are well meaning and that they’re excited about expanding the adorableness that is your family, but it’s such a personal question! Probably asked by people who haven’t been through a fearful experience. I had a complicated pregnancy several years ago and questions/comments from strangers were tough. All well meaning, to be sure, and no resentment or anything here, but now I’m extra cautious about asking questions and I don’t believe I’ve ever asked a stranger when she was going to “try” for another! Anyway, I know it must be painful and quite anxiety provoking to think about the next pregnacy and I so respect your graciousness toward your readers that ask these questions. This post was the perfect way to hopefully put an end to the personal questions while letting your readers know how much you appreciate them. Bravo to you! I wish the very, very best when and if it happens.
Karen says
This…thank you! My husband and I have been married for a little over a year now, and this question is constantly asked of us! I understand the excitement, but I did suffer miscarriage (before we were married….oops!) and I’m just not sure if I’m ready yet. It’s hard not to get upset/angry at people when they ask us, but I do wish that people would consider the other reasons why we may be waiting.
Christina @ Homemade Ocean says
Could you be any sweeter? I think not!
I always wondered if that bothered you, because I know it would get to me. Not even the suggestion…just how OFTEN it comes up :)
I gotta tell you though, I had a minor heart failure when I read the title and saw the photos because I thought that maybe all the speculation was true haha! I got REAL excited, probably too excited.
I think you all should definitly take your time and soak up all that bean time!!!!
Jayme says
Ugh. Constant pregnancy questions/comments from family and friends can really wear on you. I’m now 32 weeks pregnant, but I’m already fearing for the “what about #2″ questions. I totally feel for ya.
And in regards to the tall girls hiding the babes. I have a co-worker that is 5’9″ (I’m 5’2”) and she loves to say “I was not that big yet when I was pregnant…” Makes me want to scream!
YoungHouseLove says
Oh man! Long torsoed girl, rubbing it in!
xo
s
Erin says
Further proof of your eternal classiness. I feel like we’re all in a bit of an unexplored space in terms of boundaries. After reading your blog for a few years, I do feel like I know you in many ways. And I know that you guys do work to create a kind of intimacy with your readers. But at the end of the day, we aren’t the same as the loved ones that populate your “real life,” and it’s sometimes frustrating to see that people feel so entitled to every last personal detail. Beyond that, having had friends and family members deal with miscarriage and very challenging pregnancies of late, I feel all the more convinced that sharing the details of what’s happening inside your uterus has to be on your terms all the time — whether you’ve just taken the pregnancy test or you’re in the second trimester.
And seriously, is Clara not enough cuteness to go around?
All the best to you and your family as you continue to navigate this crazy social media world. You’re doing a great job.
Megan says
I love this post and I love you Sherry! Thank you for writing this.
Laura says
Here here! I’m sorry you had to address this at all. How about you plan your family the way you want (or the way it works out–bullet point #2) and we just enjoy that you share so much of your life with us :)
Melissa says
I am so proud of you for being brave enough to publicly declare what I’ve wanted to say for years. It’s never okay to ask a woman if she’s pregnant before she’s come clean on her own. After being diagnosed as infertile as a newlywed and suffering two heartbreaking miscarriages along the way, I know how painful that question can be. (And even though we defied the odds and now have a beautiful 4-month-old son, we’re already getting asked again–and I still feel like a failure every time I respond with “Nope, not yet.”)
So kudos to you. Especially because you said “enough’s enough” in a classy, non-hurtful way.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Melissa, I’m so sorry for your loss.
xo
s
Monika says
Sherry, you are awesome! I always feel embarrassed for the people leaving comments predicting your bun in the oven…they are obviously lacking in the tact and people skills departments. And, I feel the same way about the constant “where are Sherry’s bangs?” comments! ;o)
Ali Miller says
I see alot of comments on instagram or Facebook asking if you’re pregnant and it seems like alot of those people don’t really “read” the blog. (Not saying there’s anything wrong with that! Reading every word promptly after you post it probably says there’s something wrong with me!)
Anyway, I have always guessed that might be a little hard to read ALL THE TIME. I know you do, but keep in mind that people probably ask because they have SO enjoyed watching Clara grow up with some of the best parents on earth, that they just can’t control their desire to see it all over again. :)
Macy says
Good for you guys for asking for some boundaries. We totally benefit from your open-door policy, but everyone deserves respect and privacy. Thanks for drawing the line nice and bold. It’s tough to do with people you love, but everyone needs boundaries.
Stefanie says
Gotta say, I’m a little disappointed this post didn’t include something DIY vajayjay related… wrong blog, I suppose.
Well, said, all around.
Cheri says
Beautifully and graciously written.
Erin says
I have thought all of these same thoughts for you on numerous occasions. I know you wouldn’t want to outright lie to us if someone guessed correctly but it wasn’t time to share, yet your silence would only ignite the fire. This post was handled very well. Your sanity is much more important than worrying your request might offend a few folks, so I’m proud of you for speaking up!
Anne says
Here, here! I’ve spilled the beans earlier than planned because I have no poker face and basically can’t lie. People have flat out asked me if I’m pregnant, and as I stammer “Uh, no” and they know I’m totally lying. It’s so awkward!!
Tricia says
Very brave, well-written post. :)
Whitney says
Good for you!!!! I am so glad you wrote this.
CC says
I just want to say this is why we love you! It’s highly likely that ill need help getting pregnant (not just the needing a guy part ahaha got that covered!) and I’m already getting anxious about the well meaning comments from extended family. A lot of this is the excitement over my twin nephews and coming from a big family but it still hurts because my diagnosis is a fresh wound. Thank you for educating readers and helping to show me that when the time comes, if we have trouble, I don’t even have to get into my own personal stuff but can make a disclaimer about how it’s a touchy subject to inquire about- even when someone means well. You taught me the wonders of spray paint, how to transform a room on the cheap, and now how to defend a womb with grace! Who said the Internet was a scary place!? ;)
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks CC! Best of luck with everything :)
xo
s
Laura says
What a perfect post. Thank you so much!
Marissa says
Holler.
heather s says
thank you for posting this! my thoughts are the same on asking a woman if she’s pregnant. i don’t know why people feel something this personal is their business, and the questions don’t stop once everyone knows you’re pregnant either! my manager at work actually asked me how much weight i’d gained when i was pregnant last year! ridiculous!
Samantha H says
Such a great post – I think you handled it as eloquently as anyone could.
I know it’s hard for people who want to be so excited and happy with you – but family expansion at all is such a personal thing. I’ve been married 2 years and coworkers and some friends constanly joke/ask when we’re having kids.
Only my close friends and family know I can’t have children and why – I’ve accepted it, but some days I do mourn that I’ll never have the experience. When people constantly ask “when” or “why not” or say “oh you’ll change your mind” when I just tell them it’s not in our plan – it gets old. I don’t think they realize how sensitive it can be for some people. Hopefully this post reminds some people – nicely – to chillax :)
Enjoy the wine! I know I do :) Our next adventure is saving to buy an old farmhouse to rehab – love getting inspiration from you guys!
Jennifer M says
As someone who spent 3 years trying to get pregnant through all kinds of fertility treatments, it always drives me crazy how often people ask you if you’re pregnant! I know babies make people super excited and happy, but I honestly don’t think it’s ever ok to ask someone if they’re pregnant.
Also, your birth story still freaks me out and I wasn’t there! I always thought we’d have a big family, but after fertility treatments to have my son, an emergency c-section because his heartrate was in the 80s, and how happy we are with just him, it’s sometimes odd to me to think that I may be content to just have one!
I love this post, and how well you put everything in to words. I hope that if/when y’all decide to grow your family that you have a healthy & safe pregnancy and birth, and that you get to share the news with all us crazed fans in the way and timing you wish! :)