And now for a bonus Friday afternoon post (aw yeah, I’m a rebel without a cause). Every day on average I get about five readers either asking if I’m pregnant or straight up “calling it” via comments, email, twitter, pinterest, instagram, or carrier pigeon. Which adds up to answering that question – and crushing the dreams of those calling it – around 150 times a month, and a whopping 1,800 times in the last year. The prego-chatter has even hijacked a few comment threads on posts about non-uterus-y topics like room updates and tour infographics. Holy bump-watch, batman! We haven’t seen one of those around here since 2010.
First I’ll get one little detail out of the way: I’m not pregnant. My womb is currently uninhabited.
It’s actually really cool that so many people are excited about the possibility of us expanding this little family of ours. But with the complications of my past (here’s Clara’s birth story for more on that) nothing is guaranteed. My next pregnancy will be high risk and my next child will have a 25% chance of the same life-threatening complication that Clara had. So that definitely contributes to our timing and our general state of mind with regard to any potential bun in the oven. And sometimes all the “you’re prego!” guesses can be a little tough to field day in and day out.
I completely understand that all the excited folks who are inquiring don’t mean any harm (in fact I feel like I should be hugging you while typing this, seriously I love you guys) but in general I think asking someone if they’re pregnant can be a little dicey…
- It can suggest that you think they’ve gained weight (sometimes I have a tummy – thanks burrito! – but it’s not a baby)
- It can unintentionally sadden someone who has had trouble getting pregnant or has miscarried (neither of which I’ve personally encountered up to this point, but I certainly could moving forward)
- It can put them in an uncomfortable position if they are pregnant, but aren’t ready to announce it (which eventually could happen to me for sure)
So this little uterus-centric service announcement is just to solemnly vow to you guys that when the time is right, if we’re blessed with another bouncing bean in the oven, I promise, you will know. Heck, we’ll be so freaking excited that there might be another t-shirt in it for Burger…
So sit tight and know that although you won’t be the first few people we tell (gotta give that privilege to the fam) you’ll definitely hear it straight from our perma-smiling mouths (er, keyboard?) if we reach that safe-to-share milestone. Until then, picture me sipping wine, eating sushi, and soaking up non-prego life as it is right now. With my sweet pooch, my nail-gun-slingin’ hubby, and my little miracle girl (who currently knows the words to nearly every Adam Levine song – seriously, try her).
Thanks so much for understanding, guys. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. And I hope you’ll be sweet to each other in the comments (everyone’s hearts are in the right place about this whole thing). Besides, this means we can all spend more time studying Princess Kate’s royal bump. Where is she hiding that baby? Seriously, can somebody tell me? My belly blocked the view of my feet by 20 weeks (see the second picture in the grid above), so I can only guess that superior lineage = superior baby-hiding prowess.
sarah says
$herdog, you are a klass akt. Seriously, you could not have said it better. Polite and sweet but clearly getting the message across. Have a great weekend!
Christina @ Homemade Ocean says
And ps…..these are some of the most gut-wrenching comments you’ve ever gotten. I had no idea so many women had gone through such tragic losses. Breaks my heart.
I’ll put a little shout out to “all the women who ARE trying” in my talk with the Big Man tonight.
YoungHouseLove says
Amen!
xo
s
Erin says
<3
Megan says
Well stated. As a girl who waited 4 agonizing years to finally get pregnant, I appreciate your PSA. It was full of love, but also clear that people need to be respectful. I hope your next little one comes in the perfect timing!
Kelsey W says
Thanks for this post, Sherry! With a sweet and classy mom like you, no wonder Clara is such a “lady” :) (And I totally always think I’m pregnant after having a burrito – I even took a test one time. Haha!)
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, I love you for that Kelsey. Hilarious!
xo
s
Caryn says
Possibly my most favorite post of yours yet! Completely agree with everything said. As someone who did have trouble getting pregnant, it was really hard to get the question over and over. And on top of that, answering the “did you get fertility help” when it came out that we were having twins, was even harder! Tact people. I didn’t ask the position you used to get pregnant, did I? Just as personal. :)
Cori says
Amen, girl! Your patience with this topic is beyond admirable…I’m pretty sure I would have flipped out long ago if I were you. Love you!
Kelsey says
I have always been impressed with the grace you have offered to those who have made their “You’re Pregnant!” guesses. As someone who has been on a long journey to my next child, I know that it is not easy to field those “helpful” comments gracefully. I’ve learned I need some prepared responses so that I don’t snap at the innocent (or sometimes not-so-innocent) commenter or break down in tears and create an awkward moment for everyone. But sometimes I do want to sit down and do a PSA about how to talk about future babies with other people. Here’s what you say (“Do you have plans for more children?”) here’s what you don’t (“Are you pregnant?!” while touching my chubbier-than-I’d-like belly). Here’s what’s really not helpful (suggestions about what I should do to increase my fertility or comments that now that we’re adopting we’ll get pregnant right away! Magical!), here’s what means the world to me (I’m sorry. That sucks. How can I help?), etc. I think you did a great job in this post…and maybe I will be writing one of my own now that you have me all inspired and riled up! :)
Emma says
Best wishes to you Kelsey. I think it’s really go to get our feelings out there. I think most of these folks have good intentions and they just don’t know how their comments can hurt.
Kelly says
*standing ovation*
The only words going through my head when I read this was “SERIOUSLY!? People have to be TOLD this!?”
I applaud what you said, and how you said it, when I would have probably sunk to saying “dudes – that’s a really personal question; shove it up your butt”.
Katie says
What a lovely post! So kindly said. :)
Sayward says
Your post was so gracefull and kind! I loved reading it, and I really appreciated your nod to the different ways that asking a lovingly intended personal question can actually be really painful or awkward. Your sushi and wine comment reminded me of the FRIENDS episode where they have Phoebe’s baby shower and they all bring her booze and leather pants. Just start parading around in leather pants. That’ll hold people’s suspicions at bay ;)
p.s. I’ve never been pregnant, and my stomach has never been close to being as flat as yours in that first picture. #livingthedream
nancy says
Maybe it’s been said but don’t ever respond again. Just keep linking back to this post.
YoungHouseLove says
Yes, that’s what I’m going to do – link over here :)
xo
s
Jamie says
I had to go back and read Clara’s birth story because I had never read it before. It made me tear up and I felt anxious reading it. I cannot even come to understand what you and John must have been feeling. Clara is definitely a miracle! Stay strong and enjoy your miracle ;)
Jessica says
I just want to say Thank You for writing this post. I’ve been on the journey through infertility for 2 1/2 years and it drives me MAD when people ask. Especially since I haven’t shared my journey with anyone (as it should be). I cringe to think how many times I asked that question to others before I learned that it’s totally personal and inapproriate.
Meghan says
Well said sista! I can relate! My sweet girl is 19 months old. We recently started house hunting and my family is convinced that we are moving because I am pregnant. I can actually feel them staring at my stomach lol. My hubby and I were thinking of messing with them a bit for laughs. We shall see!
Hope you have a good weekend!
Liz O says
I totally agree and it is a huge pet peeve of mine. I will never ask someone about having babies again. My husband and I had been trying for a year and half to concieve #2 and every time someone asked or even some of them were bold enough to tell me that it was time for me to have a second baby (loved that it most often came from woman with only one child or no children) it was a stab. You never know what ppl are privately going through so it’s better not to get on them about getting pregnant or asking if they are goign too. It sucks trying and it not happening and then having people constantly remind you! I totally get where you are coming from and good post!
I can thankfully say that I am 29 weeks in to expecting #2. But i’m not looking forward to when people start asking about #3. I think i’ll just put it out there that my womb is closed, regardless if is or not.
Thank you for putting this out there!!!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw, congrats on your pregnancy Liz! So exciting! And I think you’re onto something by nipping it in the bud about #3 like that. I hope no one asks a thing after that :)
xo
s
CTDC says
Amen, Sherry! What a sweet way to say what I’ve kinda been wanting to gently mention to people both on this blog and in my own life for a while now (I’m in a similar situation). As Dave Barry once noted, “You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.” Hahaha! Even though people mean well, restraint is better.
Brittany says
A-freaking-MEN! My hubby and I are two years into our marriage and field this question constantly. I’ve often thought the same things, if we were struggling it would bring up those feelings of sadness and frustration. I tell my mom all the time that I’m a horrible liar and one of these times I will actually be pregnant and she’ll have ruined a great reveal-to-come! For now I drink wine at family events with great gusto and raised eyebrows. :)
Jessica Boltz says
I completely agree with everything you said! Its personal – and should be kept with that!
On a side note, mind sharing where that “freshly baked” onsie picture came from? I need that onsie stat! :)
YoungHouseLove says
It was from Gap Baby. But we bought it as part of our announcement that Clara was on the way, so it’s been a few years!
-John
Sister-Friend says
I hear you. It took me 33 months and incredible effort to get pregnant with my daughter. We’re now 12 months in to trying for a second. I’ve had emergency surgery this time around in relation to medication I’m taking causing life threatening side effects. Yet, I get qs all the time from friends about when #2 is happening. Here’s hoping people back off! (And great fake out before the news that your ute is empty!)
kat says
So nice to see this – I HATE that question! It’s so rude. I have a fourth reason why I hate that question – I wanted another baby for a long time and my husband didn’t and it was a giant source of frustration between the two of us. I got quizzed by relatives of his all the time and I didn’t want to throw my husband under the bus, so I’d just say “Not yet”. I totally understand the fear aspect too – I’m surprised more people aren’t understanding of that, given you shared your birth story!! We went through a lot of hospital time and multiple surgeries with our beautiful daughter, and it was a little scary to even think about potentially going through that again, despite the fact that it’s super unlikely we’d have to. Again, thanks for posting – even though it made me cry ;)
YoungHouseLove says
Aw Kat, lots of love. Your daughter sounds amazing, so glad you have her.
xo
s
Amanda says
As someone who did suffer from infertility and got a lot of IRL questions about “when I was going to get pregnant,” I second, third, and fourth this. Thanks for sharing this post :)
Christie says
I never ask. I know my friends/family will tell me their good news when the time is right. My husband and I have started to get pressure to start a family and it can be a lot to handle!
Laura C says
Really well said…good for you!
Holly says
Well said. We’ll all be happy for you when the time comes. No need to rush.
Now if only I could get people to stop asking when my new husband and I will have kids. They don’t like the answer that we don’t plan to. Even when they are told that I have 2 chronic illnesses, they won’t stop. People really do need to mind their own business.
Jessica says
Wonderfully put! I feel like at a certain age it’s difficult for a gal to have a tummy ache, a doctor appt, or even pass up a drink without the ‘You’re pregnant!’ reaction. Then once you have one, everyone asks about the 2nd. Like you said, when/if you decide to grow the fam, you will be sharing it with us all in good time. :)
Megan says
As the only woman of child-bearing age at work, I get asked all the time when I’m having a baby. I currently have two, and don’t plan to have any more. I can’t wear a tight shirt, or a loose shirt, or stay home sick without getting comments and looks. I can’t imagine being asked as frequently as you are Sherry. Good luck with whatever is best for YOUR family!
JS says
Good for you. A tough issue, handled with class.
Liz says
Wow Sherry, I really wish I could have as much grace while addressing this topic as you do. We have been trying for five years and in the last year have started fertility treatment which has caused some weight gain, causing everyone I know to start asking if I’m pregnant because I “look like I might be.”
The worst is that we are friends with another couple who has also been trying for awhile. The husband had the audacity to suggest to me one time that it’s because there must be “something wrong with me.” I knew he wasn’t intending to be rude, but still… ouch. I shook that off but recently ran into the wife in the waiting room at our RE’s office. Awkward. Now every time we go out with them, I make it a point to order a glass of wine or suggest sushi. The time may not be right for us but that doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy life until then or have to sit around sulking and wondering if there’s “something wrong with me.”
Thank you for enjoying all the things in life that happen outside of pregnancy and thank you for posting articles like this. Of course I love all of your DIY awesomeness, but this post made my day.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Liz, what a terrible comment to hear! Cheers to the wine and sushi, girl!
xo
s
Kristine says
Thank you for this post. People can be so well-intentioned, but it can be so heartbreaking to be asked this question, especially if you are currently “secretly” trying and are having difficulties or have recently suffered a loss.
My husband and I took 7 months to conceive, which is relatively normal timeframe, so we were lucky. But as months and months passed, it becomes frustrating to see others get pregnant around us. During this time, a friend kept sending links to coupons for prenatal vitamins and crib bedding and other baby stuff and asked us EVERY SINGLE TIME we saw her if we had started trying (which we kept telling her no). The insensitivity of people can be amazing, even if they are well-intentioned.
We lost our baby early on and know how difficult it is, so as a general rule, I never ask anyone about their family plans. I figure if anyone wants to share the good news with me, I’ll let them be the ones to offer the information. These questions can be so hard for people with infertility issues and those who have recently suffered miscarriages, or even for couples not yet ready to have a baby (or one more). Thanks for bringing attention to this!!
YoungHouseLove says
I’m so sorry for your loss Kristine.
xo
s
Andrea says
Amen to that! My husband and I have chosen not to have children but get asked about it constantly. To the point where a nice older lady asked if “something was wrong with one of us”!
I have always thought it was a very invasive question because basically you are asking about the couple’s sex lives on top of the points that you made.
Thanks for posting!
Lisa says
Great post girl…this is timely for me, and I’m inspired by your tact and class. Thanks for sharing!
Melissa Irvin says
I read Clara’s birth story back when you posted it and I just re-read it. Reading it makes me weep even though I know you both made it and are fine.
Even if Clara ends up being your only child, you hit the jackpot with her!
Erin says
I know I’m echoing what a lot of women have already said, but coming from someone who has lost a pregnancy and has had zero luck (and might NEVER have any luck) after that…thank you. My heart hurts for you when I see those comments, even though I know most mean well.
This week, I had a complete stranger ask me if I had children. I told her, “Not yet.” She looked me up and down, raised an eyebrow, and said, “That’s…an interesting choice.”
Well, no. It isn’t. Not in 2013, for a 32-year-old woman, it’s not. Secondly…in three weeks, it’ll be one year since I lost a tube to an ectopic pregnancy. (And one year and a few weeks/months since seemingly EVERYONE ELSE I KNEW announced they were expecting.) There isn’t a day that goes by where I’m not reminded that I’m NOT a mom yet.
Anyway, I don’t know what my point is. I guess I’m just rambling. Thank you for writing this, though. I know it had to be hard, because you don’t want to make anyone feel bad. At the same time, it needed to be said. You did a lovely job of wording this in a gracious, sensitive, and good-natured way. Much love to you from an internet stranger. <3
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Erin, I’m so sorry for your loss. Lots of love!
xo
s
Hillary says
I’m so happy you posted this, Sherry. I have noticed the obsession with your fertility (uh, and I may be slightly guilty of wondering about it even if I don’t say anything). As a person who struggled to conceive/carry a second pregnancy I think you are spot-on in wanting more privacy with regard to this. If I were in your position I would stop responding at all to questions about family planning. It is nobody’s business whether you are or aren’t pregnant except John. You shouldn’t have to put up “I’m not pregnant” disclaimers on every dang post, especially since it puts you in the position of outright lying or revealing a pregnancy before you are ready down the road. As much as we readers would like it, we don’t deserve a full-access pass to every aspect of your life.
Actually, scratch that, we do deserve it! You should take a pregnancy test every morning and Instagram the results.
Tiffini S. says
After our son was born, complications (similar to yours and Clara’s) shut down my baby factory. But genetics (thanks, Dad) ensured I always had a 3 month bump going on.
It was very hard to hear the “Are you pregnant?” question over and over after multiple doctors and tests confirmed I never would be again. I wish I’d been half as gracious as you were above, but frankly I was a little irked at life.
Big But alert, though: About a year after my last fertility test, I started gaining weight and going a little crazy. When I got heartburn, though, it hit me: I was pregnant. At the appointment, my Doc gave me the “It’s probably just heartburn” speech, but was stunned when the pregnancy test came back positive. A few minutes later, I was stunned when he showed me TWO heartbeats on the ultrasound. I was 3 months along with twins. The girls are 20 months now, and our son is 5, and we consider ourselves the luckiest people on Earth!
(PS: I still get “the question” – I’m 40, people, and I had the baby factory OFFICIALLY shut down. If I get pregnant again, we’re calling the Pope and getting me sainted.)
YoungHouseLove says
Oh my gosh, that’s so exciting! I love that story Tiffani!
xo
s
heather says
Love this love this love this love this. For personal reasons I love hearing that you got pregnant when you were told pretty much it’s a no-go. Especially because if/when we decide to try/it’s possible to have kids I really hope I hear two heartbeats. One pregnancy and then done. Tie those babies up!
Nikki says
Way to go Sherry!! This is an excellent post and a very polite way of addressing the issue…much nicer than I have been to people who constantly nag about this issue.
The best to you and your adorable family!
Amy says
Best post title ever.
Sara G. says
THANK YOU! I have been waiting for you to address all the rude (no matter how well intended) comments and questions on here and instagram. I have been so impressed with your grace in fielding all of them while simultaneously irritated that you even felt the need to. I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant (yay!) but it was a rocky road getting here with a miscarriage, fertility treatments, and finally the miracle of acupuncture (for real, I’m now a huge advocate). So, I understand the pain and fear of getting pregnant and not knowing how it will go….and having people constantly question you about it is just a reminder about why you aren’t. Your uterus = your business. :) Bravo Sherry (and John – you went through that trauma too)!
Lisa says
Hi Sherry and John,
Several of us in my family follow your blog pretty often. As in my mother in law passed out your book at Thanksgiving as a present to us, and ORB (because we’re down like that) has become a standard word used during family visits.
We actually had a similar conversation in line with this post after reading your experience during childbirth. There wasn’t a dry eye among us. I think the points you raise in this post are a positive reminder for us all. Thank you.
Sara says
Bravo, bravo, bravo.
Rebecca @This Nest is Best says
You are amazing.
That is all :)
Laura says
Sherry, I’m so glad you put this out there. As a loyal, long-time reader, it’s always bothered me when people ask or “call it.” I cringe for you every time!
Also, as someone who has been trying to get pregnant for 2.5 years with no success, I know the heartache/pain it can cause to be asked that question regularly. Still, I can’t imagine getting it five times a day! You absolutely deserve all of the privacy in the world when it comes to future kiddos, and I hope you get it from here on out.
Have a great weekend and keep being awesome!
Amy says
We have a 12 year old and a 2 year old…. so in those 10 years (with 6 miscarriages) I heard it all. Whether you have an only child by choice, or not, people seem to have no boundaries when it comes to the uterus. In the words of the esteemed lyricists, Salt N Pepa – “Its NONE of yo BUSINESS!” – you just said it a bit classier. :)
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Amy, I’m so sorry for your loss. And I am laughing out loud at that awesome Salt N Pepa callback!
xo
s
Steffanie says
The next time you are up in Alexandria, there is a great, cheap, local burrito cart on Columbia Pike by the Arlington Brew House. Though I did get asked if I was having twins after I ate there… and I’m so not preggo.
YoungHouseLove says
Hahah! Sounds amazing!
xo
s
keegan says
pedro and vinny’s!!! DELICIOUS and a total dive.
momcounsel says
We had problems conceiving our first child and the unending questions the day after the wedding were annoying and sometimes felt malicious. I learned to never ask any of my married friends (whether they had 1 or 2 children) if they are pregnant or when are they going to have another kid…etc. I can only imagine the amount of these questions you get from this blog!! After our second child, the questions have almost disappeared since most people find having 2 children as more acceptable than 1 (a whole other frustration!). Thanks for sharing and I hope this post keeps those nosy ones off your back!
Joanne – @momcounsel
Amanda K. says
This post is awesome! Thanks for being so gracious in reply to what has certainly been a little exhausting for you. And please enjoy a glass of wine for me, I’m 29 weeks.
When and if you decide to expand the Petersik family, it’s gonna be awesome.
Emma says
Great post Sherry! I’m proud to say I’ve never asked ANY woman (Including you) if she was pregnant. It really isn’t a kind question. Wishing you all the best this Spring (if it ever starts – hasn’t started in DC yet).
MJ says
You are so kind and so polite and sensitive to the needs of others. Thank you!
Lindsay says
Good for you Sherry, you guys put yourself out there every day with your blog and you deserve as much privacy as you can get! I feel you on this one, I too had a complicated pregnancy/delivery with my daughter (who is 3 months younger than Clara). When we finally decided we were ready for number 2 I unfortunately had a miscarriage in July. A few days later we decided I needed to get out of the house and we went for a family walk. When one of my neighbors, who meant well, proceeds to walk with us and go on and on about how “Ashley needs a brother or sister” and “you guys are so ready, this is the perfect time!” ACK. Talk about awkward, and sad too.
Anyway it just goes to show, you never know. And now I am 29 weeks pregnant with what I swear must be a gigantic baby boy, no hiding it for me. So keep on doing what you’re doing, you guys are awesome (and have a glass of wine for me)!
P.S. I’m heading out to the garage to add another coat of stain to our new desk top we are building, using your blog as our instructions/inspiration of course! Sorry for the rant!
Koliti says
Yay!! Good for you, Sherry!!
Everyone needs to set boundaries for various situations.
(And it’s usually for the few, not the majority. It is why we have laws for society – to let the majority know what the few should not do.)
Enjoy your HAPPY family and life!
Thanks for welcoming me into your “virtual” home – I like to visit & I learn a lot!