And now for a bonus Friday afternoon post (aw yeah, I’m a rebel without a cause). Every day on average I get about five readers either asking if I’m pregnant or straight up “calling it” via comments, email, twitter, pinterest, instagram, or carrier pigeon. Which adds up to answering that question – and crushing the dreams of those calling it – around 150 times a month, and a whopping 1,800 times in the last year. The prego-chatter has even hijacked a few comment threads on posts about non-uterus-y topics like room updates and tour infographics. Holy bump-watch, batman! We haven’t seen one of those around here since 2010.
First I’ll get one little detail out of the way: I’m not pregnant. My womb is currently uninhabited.
It’s actually really cool that so many people are excited about the possibility of us expanding this little family of ours. But with the complications of my past (here’s Clara’s birth story for more on that) nothing is guaranteed. My next pregnancy will be high risk and my next child will have a 25% chance of the same life-threatening complication that Clara had. So that definitely contributes to our timing and our general state of mind with regard to any potential bun in the oven. And sometimes all the “you’re prego!” guesses can be a little tough to field day in and day out.
I completely understand that all the excited folks who are inquiring don’t mean any harm (in fact I feel like I should be hugging you while typing this, seriously I love you guys) but in general I think asking someone if they’re pregnant can be a little dicey…
- It can suggest that you think they’ve gained weight (sometimes I have a tummy – thanks burrito! – but it’s not a baby)
- It can unintentionally sadden someone who has had trouble getting pregnant or has miscarried (neither of which I’ve personally encountered up to this point, but I certainly could moving forward)
- It can put them in an uncomfortable position if they are pregnant, but aren’t ready to announce it (which eventually could happen to me for sure)
So this little uterus-centric service announcement is just to solemnly vow to you guys that when the time is right, if we’re blessed with another bouncing bean in the oven, I promise, you will know. Heck, we’ll be so freaking excited that there might be another t-shirt in it for Burger…
So sit tight and know that although you won’t be the first few people we tell (gotta give that privilege to the fam) you’ll definitely hear it straight from our perma-smiling mouths (er, keyboard?) if we reach that safe-to-share milestone. Until then, picture me sipping wine, eating sushi, and soaking up non-prego life as it is right now. With my sweet pooch, my nail-gun-slingin’ hubby, and my little miracle girl (who currently knows the words to nearly every Adam Levine song – seriously, try her).
Thanks so much for understanding, guys. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. And I hope you’ll be sweet to each other in the comments (everyone’s hearts are in the right place about this whole thing). Besides, this means we can all spend more time studying Princess Kate’s royal bump. Where is she hiding that baby? Seriously, can somebody tell me? My belly blocked the view of my feet by 20 weeks (see the second picture in the grid above), so I can only guess that superior lineage = superior baby-hiding prowess.
Leah says
Good for you, $herdawg!
Kate Middleton literally boggles my mind. WHERE IS THE BUMP!
Grace says
I can totally relate to your burrito food baby experiences. When friends and family ask me if I am pregnant I think they are really hinting that they WANT me to get pregnant. However, I still think to myself, “Why? Do I LOOK pregnant?”By the way, I just ready Clara’s birth story for the first time, and as a NICU nurse I can truly say that you were in the right place at the right time.
YoungHouseLove says
Amen Grace! It gives me goosebumps when I think about any other scenario. I was so so lucky. Where would John and I be without Clara?!
xo
s
Tammy Roe says
Funny that you would even mention considering naming a second fur baby tater tot… that, ironically , is what we called our babies in utero, all three of them. :)
YoungHouseLove says
So cute!!! Congrats Tammy Roe!
xo
s
Julie says
I love this post. Thank you for getting that “out there.” My cousin had multiple miscarriages before and between her two kids. People were always “calling it” that she was pregnant because she wasn’t drinking – but really she was just trying to prepare her body for a baby, and even if she was pregnant at the time she didn’t know how long it would last.
I think people get excited and don’t realize that NOT being pregnant can be very hurtful (because of miscarriages, infertility, or complications) and that constantly asking is like salt in the wound.
Also, as a less serious antidote, I am in mid to late 20’s and married, but we’re waiting for a little bit to start our family. As of yet we don’t know that we will have any trouble with this, but we STILL don’t want to be asked by everyone when we’re having kids! It will come when it comes.
Heather P. says
As a college teacher, I get asked that question all…the…time. I know my students usually mean well (most of them are mothers themselves), but man it really gets to you after a while…especially when they stare at you and ask IN PERSON. I can handle being asked on the internet, but when someone stares down your stomach in person (or even pokes it, which I had happen once), it can be downright invasive.
I grew up with the old adage “You NEVER ask…you let them tell you,” so it’s weird when they constantly ask on days where I’m wearing something a little too tight, or too loose. It’s especially bad on days where I’m not really feeling all that great about the ol’ self.
So hang in there, and hopefully everyone will calm down. We’ll all get there when we’re ready to get there…and not a moment sooner!
Lisa says
I totally can relate to you on this… We had a hard time getting pregnant with our first (and kept it to ourselves for most of the run), but low and behold – Mother’s Day would come and every Tom, Dick and Harry would be asking when we would just have a baby already. I would want to scream “We’re doing the best that we can – lay off us, alright?” Since all that, I made sure I would NEVER ask anyone about the “State of the Uterus” as you put it – love the title. :)
What will be, will be! I wish you guys the best!
Sinthya says
Sherry, this post rocks. Can’t put it any other way.
Abbey says
John, Clara and Burger are very lucky to have you. This was a wonderfully written post because you are entitled to keep things to yourself, no matter how close your readers feel to you guys! The way you handled this was very Kate Middleton-esque, graceful and kind. And seriously, every time Yahoo posts a baby bump picture I stare at it for 5 minutes wihtout locating the thing!
Lynn says
Good for you! I’ve totally been on the receiving end of that as well and was driven to tears. The worst was when I was in the middle of a slow miscarriage (3rd loss), someone else at lunch announced they were pg and then everyone decided I would be “next”. Granted, none new about my losses, but man people, keep your traps shut!
Gabby says
Well said my dear; best of luck to you both!
Sarah says
I’m so glad you finally told everyone to shut it, although you were much nicer than I ever would have been able to be. Anyone who reads your blog knows how scary Clara’s birth was, so why people constantly bring it up amazes me. NOYB! But again, you are much classier than I am:) Every time someone asks you if you’re prego, it just makes me hope more and more that one day, the way you announce it to us is by holding up your new healthy baby, having fooled everyone all along. Because seriously. No one’s business but yours and Johns. Happy Friday:)
Christine says
A to the MEN! I think most people don’t understand that this can be a very painful, personal question and don’t realize the hurt it can cause. During my pregnancy I was diagnosed with early stage melanoma, had a complicated birth and afterward was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease with a treatment plan that does not allow for pregnancy. Most of the time you can handle the questions with grace and poise, but you never know which ones will make you cry. And this girl has an ugly cry face!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw Christine, you’re so sweet. Lots of love to you and your family.
xo
s
Leigh says
As someone on the DL with a current pregnancy (well except for a million yhl readers :) ), the are you or when are you going to be pregnant questions are soooo awkward. Deny my child and lie or blow my cover on something I’m not ready to reveal? Not very good options….
Kristina says
Well said $herdog!
The questions are also annoying when you CHOOSE not to have children, in my case, or another child in the case of my bestie. Some people do not understand that you don’t have to reproduce until you just can’t do it any longer. And if you want to have just one, or none, that’s perfectly ok too. Basically, STOP TALKING ABOUT EVERYONE’S UTERUS’ PEOPLE! #rude
Heather says
I can’t believe people still ask after you both had addressed the topic multiple times. Of course everyone is excited, but come on have some respect!
Sophie says
I don’t usually comment but I always felt uncomfortable about people asking about your uterus given how honest you’ve been about the complication in your pregnancy. I, too had a complicated first pregnancy and my son was a preemie and less than 2 lb at birth. He’s doing great and we’re all happy and healthy now. Like you, I was told to wait a minimum of 2 years before trying again and we’re coming up on the 2 year mark and so. not. ready. I have a 20% chance of having the same complications so my next pregnancy will be high risk and I’m terrified. When people have asked about a second kid I’ve been telling them that it hasn’t been two years but I’m not sure how long it’ll be before we’re ready.
Many hugs to you guys. I can’t imagine making these personal decisions in front of an audience.
YoungHouseLove says
Sending you lots of love Sophie, so glad everything turned out ok with your son. You can join me on the “no rush” train, girl!
xo
s
Elle says
Thank you! Thank you thank you thank you!! People only think about what the reaction will be if the answer to “are you pregnant” is yes, and never about if the answer is “no, I keep miscarrying” or “no, but we’ve been trying for years and have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility (yes it’s a thing) are currently doing IVF” or “yes but we didn’t actually want to tell you yet, you nosy jerk!” etc. Everyone seems to get preemptively excited when they ask too so you feel like the jerk for not saying yes.
You’re a saint for writing this and you’re a saint for putting up with getting asked 150 time a month.
Alison says
I looked like I was 30 weeks pregnant by the time hit 10 weeks!!! I ended up having to tell people I was pregnant when I hit the 7 week mark because every one was asking! I also got asked the entire time if I was twins and on a few occasions, triplets! Oh joy!
Amanda says
The only way for us to get pregnant is through IVF… it’s hard and sad and others asking about pregnancy is difficult for me.
YoungHouseLove says
Sending you lots of love Amanda!
xo
s
Amy @ drivethirtythree says
so well done! nothing but high fives and big hugs to you over here :)
you should probably do a “sing the adam levine song” type game and video it for us…just sayin’ ;)
Andrea says
Thank you soo much for this post! I have an 18 month-old and people are constantly asking me if I am pregnant or am planning some more soon, when the truth is that we just miscarried a couple months ago. I think people know it’s rude, they just really excitedly want to know, and can’t contain themselves, haha. :) But seriously, it just makes me feel sad to field the question all the time. Best wishes to both of us on fewer questions to answer!! :)
YoungHouseLove says
I’m so sorry for your loss Andrea.
xo
s
erin says
Amen to everything you have said! I am constantly amazed at the pregnant comments you get and just how rude people can be. Do people not have boundaries?
Unless a good friend brings it up I make it a point to never ask someone if they are pregnant or the obnoxious “so when are you going to have a baby (or another)?” It is just rude and no one’s business. Not to mention that people may or may not have their reasons. I have many friends how have dealt with infertility and multiple losses. They want nothing more than to be pregnant so being asked these questions is incredibly painful for them. It also shouldn’t be assumed that everyone even wants kids or more kids.
As the mom of 2 boys I get pissed when people ask if we will “try for a girl.” To me that just says, “sorry you have 2 boys you must be so disappointed the your second was a boy too, girls are so much better and life is not complete without one.” Ugh….people just don’t get it.
Charlotte @ Ciburbanity says
I applaud your kind and articulate response to something that has always seemed like Pregnancy 101 to me: don’t ask and don’t tell until you’re ready!! Like you’re response to a comment would be, “Actually well yeah… since you ask… we are… just 3 weeks, don’t tell!”
And I’m 5’7″ and look pregnant about 2 weeks after conception. Starting at 5 months I have to fend off the ‘Any day now?’ comments daily.
xo
Charlotte
QuiltedCupcakeJean says
I heard a comedian once who nailed it – He said to never ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless there is a baby literally coming out of her business at that moment.
Great advice, I’d say.
Great post, too!
Ashley says
OMG, that’s awesome!!
Lindsay Ross says
If you’re like me, it stings a little. My Claire is only a year older than Clara. For us, life got in the way. Moving, new careers, new/old house to renovate, etc. I’m still hopeful that #2 isn’t far off. I never envisioned a 5-6 year gap between kids. I already deal with guilt and feeling like I am hurting Claire’s chances at a close sibling bond. Therefore, when well intentioned people ask, it’s a little like salt in a wound. I just smile and take it the way they intend it, even when I am shrinking inside.
Michelle M. says
You’re not hurting anything! Promise. Siblings are siblings. Some get along and some don’t. My little brother is 18 mths younger than me and we don’t talk- but my friends where the gap is bigger are so much closer with their siblings!
Ruth says
Very well put, Sherry. A kind and honest explanation that many of us relate to (even without having to field hundreds of such inquiries). Nicely done!
Christina says
Amen sister-friend!
It wasn’t until friends of my husband (then fiancé) were struggling with infertility that I learned how insensitive it can be. Now fast forward almost four years, that some couple were blessed to adopt a beautiful little boy and my husband and I are now struggling with infertility. This is somethig that we have only shared with select family and friends. Not knowing how to answer friends that don’t know about our situation, I’ve actually started lying (I know, horrible). But this way I don’t have to share the difficult and private part of our marriage, and I don’t have to worry about making someone feel bad for asking.
But in the mean time, I’m travelling, consuming yummy wines, and chowin down on sushi too! Not too shabby! Many blessings on your sweet family and whatever you decide is best!
PS The grace you and Katie B have with the difficult comments you receive is awesome!
Megan @ Rappsody in Rooms says
Maybe we all feel like we can ask is because you are so gracious to us by making us all feel like we are a part of your family. You invite us into your home and share personal things with us. I think that is amazingly wonderful and unselfish of you! Thank you for that! And the great thing about family is that you can be honest and tell us to “Back off!” haha. I think this is a great post and impressed with your grace and honesty.
Cathy says
Great Post! My daughter is contantly asked “when are you due”. She is diabetic and carrys alot of weight in her tummy, but pretty thin other than that! If you are not sure ….you should never assume!! And really it is no ones business….really! Thank you for putting it ou there!
Jill says
Sheri – I cannot imagine you handling this with more grace and dignity than you have. I’ve often wondered how anyone who has read Clara’s birth story could really ask you that question – maybe many of them haven’t…. Thank you for writing this – hopefully it will help people to think twice before asking personal questions like this.
I know that people are often asking the question from a place of love and excitement, but as someone who has dealt with infertility for years, I cannot explain how sad the question makes me. I finally just started telling people that we were having problems, but it’s really hard (no one talks about infertility in the open really). DH and I have made it through though, with the help of good friends, family, and a support group I found. Adoption, here we come! (and I couldn’t be more excited) :) :) :)
YoungHouseLove says
That’s so exciting Jill! All the best with everything!
xo
s
Julia (@3bed2bath1baby) says
As someone who has gone through miscarriages and years of infertility, I appreciate this post.
Carry on, I won’t ever ask.
YoungHouseLove says
Sorry for your loss Julia.
xo
s
kimb says
Wow I didn’t know all this was happening I don’t read comments much no time, I’m so sorry for you.
Bethany says
This was very graciously and eloquently said, Sherry. I learned a long time ago never to ask if a woman is pregnant.
As soon as my body is pregnant, it latches on to every single ounce that I eat. I got pregnant, gained a few pounds, and miscarried. We hadn’t announced the pregnancy. I had a gentleman from church mention my weight gain and ask if I was pregnant. My heart sank and I just weakly replied, “Nope.”
Holy horrible, awkward, sad day, Batman.
If a woman is pregnant and wants you to know about it, she’ll tell you. I wish this was universal knowledge by now.
Kudos to you for addressing the situation so very well!
Anele @ Success Along the Weigh says
THANK YOU for posting this. Whenever you’ve mentioned this in the past (and it’s a lot more than I think you should ever have to mention) I’ve always thought “its no one’s business if she’s pregnant or not, why would people constantly ask!?” (Well intentioned or not)
I think all of your reasons should a be a good enough hint for people to back off with it. I’m sorry if I seem a little sensitive to this but I got the same thing on the other end of the spectrum since we chose not to have kids. It astounded me the opinions people had about it and how often people who knew of this decision still insisted on constantly bringing it up. So I get a little riled when it comes to matter of reproduction. :)
When and if you ever decide to go that route, I’m sure you’ll tell the rest of us when you’re good and ready.
Alicia M says
So very well said Sherry. This post makes me love you guys even more!! …as if that was possible ;)
I too am sooo tired of tall of the baby questions. My husband and I are the same age as you and John and don’t have kids yet. We are CONSTANTLY asked “when you having babies?”, “you pregnant yet?”, “why don’t you have kids?”. REALLY PEOPLE? Maybe we don’t want them, maybe we can’t have them, maybe we’re considering it… but whatever we’re doing/thinking is non of your gosh-darn business. This post has given me the guts and ammo to finally silence (or reduce those questions). Thank you to you and John for being your awesome selves. You’re very inspiring!!
Sarah says
Girl, I feel your pain. I have been married for about a year and a half and I get asked almost daily if we are going to start a family soon. My response is always the same “nothing planned right now except to enjoy just being married”. I know they are just excited for me and want us to expand our family (right now it’s just us and a pup) but when the time is right, its right. Yes, I may be getting older but timeing just isn’t right for us.
Love the post and the way you nipped it in the bud.
Ashley says
I just had to comment to tell you guys how well-written and kind this post is. I personally think it’s crazy that people have asked you if you’re pregnant and even “called it” on different posts. That’s something you should never do – via the internet or in person! You both just handle it all so well and with such grace.
Also, you really so lovely in all your pregnancy pictures!
Ashley says
Have you ever thought about just not responding when people ask? Otherwise, you kind of feed into in…we know you mean well and want to be transparent, but by responding maybe you invite more people to inquire? It’s a rude question but because you are so open and public, people probably don’t think twice about asking. Most people are probably well-intentioned so if you stop responding, no one will be surprised. Just a thought…
YoungHouseLove says
Oh yes, from now on I’m just linking to this post :)
xo
s
Kristin (Kristin Smith Creative) says
Sherry! What a classy response to everyone’s inquiries. You never cease to impress me.
danielle says
This is the most kind, sweet, assertive and wonderful explanation of why not to ask that question I’ve ever heard. Great job!
Jackie S. says
Amen to that answer! I know the feeling. I’m at the point I can’t stand ppl asking me when we’re going to have a baby. We’ve been trying for more than a year now and we’re having difficulty in that department. People keep asking and hounding us, but I’m at the point where I have one answer to that…”We already have a baby! Our dog…hellurrr!!!” =D
Sarah says
GOOD FOR YOU FOR POSTING THIS!!! Seriously I could not agree more. People take way too many liberties in this department and don’t think about the consequences of their words. Extremely well said with class, respect, and grace, Sherry.
Michelle says
Thank you for this!! I ended up with an emergency hysterectomy after the birth of my little one and its heart wrenching when people constantly ask about the next baby.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Michelle, I’m so sorry. Lots of love to you and your family.
xo
s
Suze says
Good. For. You. I’m seriously slow clapping for you right now. The amount of questions you get is ridiculous and inappropriate.
Megan A. says
This post rocks. It basically said “Quit hassling me!” in the sweetest way possible.
Kristin says
Beautifully said. I’ve had two miscarriages and am now 41 1/2 weeks with our second little one. The past few weeks I have had the pleasure of graciously answering questions like, “Why isn’t your baby here yet?,” “Aren’t you going to be induced?,” “Isn’t that dangerous to go so far beyond your due date?,” and my personal favorite: “WHY IS YOUR BABY SO SLOW?,” practically yelled at me by a lady at church.
Good luck in the future; I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy when the time comes! (And thanks for giving me something so awesome to read every day!)
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Kristin, I’m so sorry for your loss and can’t believe people are saying those things to you! All the best with your little one :)
xo
s
Rachael R says
Amen sister!
We go through the same thing on a daily basis. People don’t realize that they are asking such a loaded question. If I could have a baby I would! Thank you for sharing this!
Jamie G says
Thank you. Well said. As one that is struggling to overcome Lyme Disease, it almost brings me to tears when people ask me when I will start a family. I want to scream at them that I would have loved to have started one already but I can’t get pregnant until I no longer have Lyme. Silly people. Have no idea sometimes!
YoungHouseLove says
All the best with everything Jamie!
xo
s
Josey says
Perfect post! As someone who struggled with infertility, it hurt a LOT to be constantly reminded that my ute was vacant by the ppl who asked incessant questions about “why aren’t you pregnant yet?” It’s a hugely personal question, and I don’t know why ppl don’t get it. Either (1) you’re not ready, (2) you’re trying and it’s not working, or (3) you’re not telling ppl yet. I hope ppl back off of bugging you about it, well-intentioned or not!
SarahA says
Sherry,
You are graceful and eloquent – and that, as much as your mad home improvement skillz, is why I love this blog. A beautiful post. (From someone who’s been there.)