And now for a bonus Friday afternoon post (aw yeah, I’m a rebel without a cause). Every day on average I get about five readers either asking if I’m pregnant or straight up “calling it” via comments, email, twitter, pinterest, instagram, or carrier pigeon. Which adds up to answering that question – and crushing the dreams of those calling it – around 150 times a month, and a whopping 1,800 times in the last year. The prego-chatter has even hijacked a few comment threads on posts about non-uterus-y topics like room updates and tour infographics. Holy bump-watch, batman! We haven’t seen one of those around here since 2010.
First I’ll get one little detail out of the way: I’m not pregnant. My womb is currently uninhabited.
It’s actually really cool that so many people are excited about the possibility of us expanding this little family of ours. But with the complications of my past (here’s Clara’s birth story for more on that) nothing is guaranteed. My next pregnancy will be high risk and my next child will have a 25% chance of the same life-threatening complication that Clara had. So that definitely contributes to our timing and our general state of mind with regard to any potential bun in the oven. And sometimes all the “you’re prego!” guesses can be a little tough to field day in and day out.
I completely understand that all the excited folks who are inquiring don’t mean any harm (in fact I feel like I should be hugging you while typing this, seriously I love you guys) but in general I think asking someone if they’re pregnant can be a little dicey…
- It can suggest that you think they’ve gained weight (sometimes I have a tummy – thanks burrito! – but it’s not a baby)
- It can unintentionally sadden someone who has had trouble getting pregnant or has miscarried (neither of which I’ve personally encountered up to this point, but I certainly could moving forward)
- It can put them in an uncomfortable position if they are pregnant, but aren’t ready to announce it (which eventually could happen to me for sure)
So this little uterus-centric service announcement is just to solemnly vow to you guys that when the time is right, if we’re blessed with another bouncing bean in the oven, I promise, you will know. Heck, we’ll be so freaking excited that there might be another t-shirt in it for Burger…
So sit tight and know that although you won’t be the first few people we tell (gotta give that privilege to the fam) you’ll definitely hear it straight from our perma-smiling mouths (er, keyboard?) if we reach that safe-to-share milestone. Until then, picture me sipping wine, eating sushi, and soaking up non-prego life as it is right now. With my sweet pooch, my nail-gun-slingin’ hubby, and my little miracle girl (who currently knows the words to nearly every Adam Levine song – seriously, try her).
Thanks so much for understanding, guys. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. And I hope you’ll be sweet to each other in the comments (everyone’s hearts are in the right place about this whole thing). Besides, this means we can all spend more time studying Princess Kate’s royal bump. Where is she hiding that baby? Seriously, can somebody tell me? My belly blocked the view of my feet by 20 weeks (see the second picture in the grid above), so I can only guess that superior lineage = superior baby-hiding prowess.
Annabel Vita says
Well done Sherry! I hope you feel free to just ignore all those comments from now on. I also think nobody would blame you for flat out denying it until you’re ready to share the news.
I know people are well meaning but I don’t see how you can get to adulthood without realising baby-making questions tend to be either awkward, invasive, upsetting, or all three… I’m bracing myself for the onslaught of questions once we’re married in June!
Lots of love to all four of you xxxx
Jen says
While I have never commented on whether or not you are pregnant I feel the need to comment. I may not know completely what you are going through but I do understand to an extent. I had my son five months ago and I already get questions about when the next one is coming. My son was born seven weeks early(no idea why, i didnt have a complicated pregnancy except the all day sickness for most of it) and the doctors and nurses already told me that I would have to wait at least two years. Not only that but when I did plan on the next one I would be monitored closely, won’t be allowed to work and be stuck on bed rest. I have the same people constantly asking me and it is tiring especially since they all know my son came so early. Sometimes I think people don’t understand that after complications your body and mind need time to heal from what it went through.
I wish I just might have to come up with a graceful way to tell people to mind their own business. Thanks for the inspiration I really don’t know how you do it.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh yes Jen, I can relate to needing time for your body and your mind to heal. No rush girl, I’m still working on that – especially the mind part!
xo
s
angela says
this post is awesome, Sherry. kudos to you
as someone who had a lot of problems getting and staying pregnant and handling multiple miscarriages, I found that question so hard to field. I’m really proud of you for going out like this, and wish you all only the best.
Amy L. says
Nicely put. I am sorry that you even had to post about this. It is such a personal topic. I have always made it my practice never to ask about someone’s plans to conceive for the very reasons you list here.. I wish you all the best in whatever path you choose!
Heather says
Sherry. I feel for you! In the last week alone, I have fielded over 30 people asking when we are going to have a baby…at my nephew’s baptism last weekend my uncle even came up to hubs and me and said, ‘married people can have babies you know…’ I know they all mean well and want us to be parents, but they have no idea what we are up to personally. Healthcare, jobs, not to mention if we were trying and not succeeding…THANK YOU for this post…
Emily says
Thank you for this. I know that people mean well but soooo many really need to be reminded that getting pregnant, having a “normal” healthy pregnancy and labor, and ending the day(s) with a healthy baby is not the story for everyone. Thank you for being so honest and gracious at the same time. I am pregnant with a baby girl after a long struggle with infertility and don’t take anything for granted at this point. I feel more blessed than I ever could have imagined, even if she is our one and only baby in this life. If I had a dollar for every insensitive question that made my face flush, throat hurt and eyes sting, we would be set with a college fund for this little muffin already:).
You have reminded people today about having more sensitivity, empathy for others and gratitude. We all need to be reminded.
Michelle M says
Wonderfully written and a good reminder for everyone. Love this blog of yours!
Jill says
We waited 8 years between our girls and while it did have some shock and awe immediate response, they are now 26 and almost 18.
People don’t need to ask you why or when not their business frankly and since you had a dangerous situation it does cause one to pause.
There are always adopted if you don’t want to risk the health of you and the baby.
Read my post on Facebook today and you will understand why mention adoption as an option.
You appear to be great parents either way!
YoungHouseLove says
Thanks Jill! Off to check out your post!
xo
s
MJB says
Love the headline! :)For the first five years of our marriage, I could have used that for our Christmas cards. Everyone kept asking when we were starting our family (some with the added advice of “you know you’re not getting any younger.”)
Ashley says
Way to go Sherry!! It amazes me how many incredibly rude people are constantly inquiring on the status of your uterus, especially when they know your history with Clara’s birth. She’s standing behind Clara’s stroller – she must be pregnant! She owns a black blazer – she must be pregnant! Get a life people and leave Sherry alone!
Sherry, I know that you will share a future pregnancy with your readers but please know that you should only share with readers what you and John are absolutely 100% comfortable with sharing. Don’t let your readers pressure you into sharing things until you are ready, if you decide to share at all. You go girl!!
Lauren N says
So very well said. I’m a new reader, and it was one of the first things I noticed – how much your commenters asked if you were pregnant! While totally inappropriate to ask, I’d go ahead and take it as a compliment: people love hearing your advice, seeing what a sweet little girl you have, and how much fun you are having celebrating her and finding unique and creative ways to make her surroundings your own.
M. says
As someone who recently received an infertility diagnosis: AMEN, SISTER!
Meredith says
Well said! As a young, married, but childless woman, I get this question all the time! While I know that those asking mean well, I always feel pressured to explain my un-pregnant status to them and, frankly, its none of their business. Sometimes I am even tempted to give them a whole way-too-much-information run down to explain exactly how I know that I’m not pregnant! Maybe one day I will do that just to see their expression. . .
Kay says
Thank you for this post! I read often but rarely comment – however, this post spoke to me. Just yesterday my son’s daycare teachers were demanding that we produce a sibling for him. (He is only 8 months old…) They love our kid so much that they want version 2.0! They only have good intentions, and I played along being coy like “we’ll see”… but what I didn’t say was that I’d been through 3 miscarriages and some other health issues prior to even having this little miracle guy (and while pregnant). So for me facing some of those possibilities again is very scary. And I’m actually ok with just having one for many reasons not even related to my health. (Other times I long for him to have a brother or sister. I think I’ll never know the right choice.) People mean well and get excited about babies. But in doing so it’s easy to forget there may be real issues involved. Sometimes I tell people the truth (which is a real killjoy, but can be really refreshing too) and sometimes I just play along. Depends on who’s asking. An exhausting effort though sometimes. When you have your life online as you do I can imagine all this is way multiplied. Stay well and enjoy your family however you want it to be. Clara is a doll. PS. I walked by our Jonathan Adler store (in Portland) just yesterday and smiled because I thought of you and your birthday wish. I hope that doesn’t sound weird.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw you’re so sweet Kay! And I’m sorry for your loss and those scary complications. So happy you have your lovely little miracle boy!
xo
s
Amy says
Definitely my favorite post you’ve ever written. I can relate in many ways. xo
Corrie @ Casa Beebe says
I saw CaitlinHTP link to this post on Twitter so popped over to see what was what. This is my first visit to your blog. I must say, as a mid-30’s woman, who doesn’t have kids, doesn’t plan on having kids, hasn’t kept this a secret, sometimes carries a little more tummy than I would like, and has been asked if I was pregnant, I can 1000% relate to your post. As the columnist Dave Barry once said (paraphrase) if you can’t actually see the baby emerging it is never a good idea to ask a woman if she is pregnant! Your points about infertility, weight and not wanting to share too early are SO incredibly right ON. I have several friends who have miscarried…omgosh..what a horrible question for them to field! Thank you. Thank you for being gracious and good humored about a sensitive topic, all while spreading the word.
Stephanie says
You handled this VERY nicely!
As a women that has been unable to conceive, I’ve always hated the “Are you pregnant?” question. We decided to grow our family, by adoption, and have been blessed with a beautiful baby girl. Now, the question I hate the most is “Why did you give up on having your own child?” My response has become while she’s not naturally mine, she is my own child! I’ve come to the conclusion that many people don’t have a filter between their brains and their mouths/fingers.
YoungHouseLove says
Yeesh, I can’t believe people ask that! Good on you for explaining that she’s 100% yours!
xo
s
Morgan says
It took courage and compassion to write this. Thank you for making the internet (nay – the world!) a little nicer place. You are one classy lady, $herdog. And John and Clara are awfully lucky to have you.
Cara D says
I work in an infertility clinic and have had many friends and family with fertility issues as well. You should never ask someone if they are pregnant, even if it seems obvious. One of my friends actually found out about halfway through her pregnancy that her baby would most likely not live long after birth. I have had 3 other friends lose children late in the pregnancy or shortly after birth. I understand many people have never been exposed to the loss of a child or infertility but it is a very heartbreaking and emotional situation to deal with. It is best to just keep your mouth closed until they bring it up. Good luck to you and John once you decide the time is right for your family to expand.
YoungHouseLove says
That’s so sad Cara!
xo
s
Michelle says
Love this post! Good for you.
Keeley @ My Life on a Plate says
I love this post! You are both very classy. I never, ever think it’s appropriate to ask someone if they are pregnant or when/if they intend to have a child (another child, or whatever). All the people in your business were starting to make me cringe, so I can only imagine how you feel.
I had fertility issues followed by a high-risk pregnancy and a premature delivery. It makes me uncomfortable when people ask about our family planning because it’s a very, very personal topic. Like you, we feel blessed to have our miracle baby and we don’t take him for granted.
I like reading your blog. You two really seem to keep it real and you don’t see that many places these days.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Keeley!
xo
s
Sarah says
You are a class act $herdog! ONE nosy coworker asked me when my boyfriend was going to propose LAST WEEK and I’m still slightly annoyed. And like most of the comments you receive, it was in a totally good-natured way.
Also, why is Kate Middleton so perfect?? I thought her bump would be super obvious since she’s so thin.
Christie N. says
Very well said, Sherry! I recently got married (after dating for 7 years) and now everyone is on high-alert for a baby bump. In fact, I had a lady at church come and put HER HANDS ON MY BELLY because she thought I was pregnant. I almost died!
Kudos for always keeping it real, little lady! xoxo
Alison says
Unless you’re her doctor, there is no scenario where you should ask any woman if she is pregnant, or when she is planning to get pregnant. Ever. For the reasons Sherry has so kindly provided. NO GOOD CAN COME OF IT.
Sherry, my theory is that you are the perfect combo of DIY celeb (and as we all know, celeb pregnancy speculation is public domain) but so sweet and open about your life that people feel like you’re a friend they’re comfortable guessing/asking about pregnancy (see above, folks). Hope this post gets you a break, at least for a couple months :)
Kym says
I find it really sad that you even had to write this post. That being said, you are far more gracious and classy than I *ever* would be able to in the same situation….kudos to you!!
Rachel says
Hats off for your courage and grace in writing this post. As generous as you are with so many details of your family’s life, I hope people respect the boundaries that you set.
Karo says
I’m so sad you had to write this post, Sherry. You did it so beautifully and kindly (as you always do with the tricky responses–when I first stumbled on your blog a few years ago, and didn’t know it was all gangbusters, I used to read your comment responses and think gosh, if these guys don’t work out in blogging they could join the foreign service and be diplomats!) Already you’ve got a lot of comments that validate the pain that can ensue from the well-intentioned question “are you pregnant?” So it is with all the best intentions that I provide a small question that may be a bit of a counterpoint–has our reticence to ask someone if they are pregnant early on also caused some nonchalance towards women who clearly ARE pregnant? I had two pregnancies abroad, and people–all people–were just genuinely excited for me, and they wanted to chat about it. I got smiles and questions and courtesies from old and young, male and female, rich and desparately poor, service providers and peers. I’m back home in America now, and I see people brush past pregnant women on the elevator, ignore the standing pregnant lady in rush hour in the metro, and never even give a smile, or a congrats. So I guess my message is, if the question is clearly “when are you due?” instead of “pregnant yet?” maybe we Americans should go ahead and affirm how exciting that is, either with a smile, a comment, an offer of assistance, and for goodness sake, a seat on the metro.
YoungHouseLove says
Such a great point! After being prego with Clara I quickly learned what a big job it was. We could all help each other out for sure :)
xo
s
Katie says
I live in St. Louis and just had a little girl in December and I must say I received a lot of extra positive attention from complete strangers, especially in my third trimester. Maybe I was just so huge and puffy that people felt sorry for me and would shoot a smile my way or engage in baby convo, haha!
Cheri says
The questions won’t stop even when you are pregnant! I had people ask me when I would pregnant again (while I was pregnant)and I would smile and say I can only handle ONE pregnancy at a time. Then they would ask if it was an accident – while I was pregnant. Again, I would just smile and say no. People can just be thoughtless and or nosy.
YoungHouseLove says
Wow, those are some questions!
xo
s
Tara says
Thank you for you post! I completely …asking if someone is pregnant or even assuming they are is horrible. You never know what someone is dealing with. We struggled to get pregnant with both of our boys and lost our first little guy 26wks in, and had some scary complications with our second. And I know several people who can’t get pregnant at all or without assistance. People forget that pregnancy is not some easy peesy light subject. For some, yes, it’s a breeze. But for many many women its not.
Brooke says
This was the nicest response to what must be a maddening number of inquiries. I think so many people get excited and don’t think for a minute that their well-meant comments could bring up a lot of heartache for some people, or just be plain old offensive. I’m glad you addressed it in such a generous manner. I wish you guys all the best in choosing to and being able to have another baby it in your own time (and waiting as long as you feel comfortable to announce it on the blog).
Brooke says
So well said, and as an infertile, thank you for at least acknowledging that these carefree questions can be truly heart-breaking and not just annoying.
Jen W says
This deserves whatever the web equivalent of a standing ovation is. Tactfully stated and a helpful reminder to all.
Erin says
“State of the Uterus” = so hysterical!! :)
Jessaca says
Hugs to you and John. Waiting after something so traumatic, I know, can be so hard. Keep faith. My own little guy…er, not so little anymore at 2 (I joke he was conceived when Clara was born) has struggled with some development problems. Although I had a smooth (but looong) delivery, we’ve decided to wait a while to add to our family to give him more attention during this time. It’s hard when my friends who had babies at the same time are getting ready to pop again, and even more when sometimes I feel like my MS clock is ticking my uterus. Until then, virtual cheers [clink clink].
Em says
I have TWO lifelong friends who are having fertility issues, they’ve been trying for years and I cringe for them every single time they get asked if they are pregnant.
Pregnancy is just too personal, people should not ask, even as well meaning as they may be…it can hurt unintentionally.
Very gracious post Sherry :)
Meghan, UK says
I’m not eloquent enough to put everything I want to say into a comment, but *HUGS* seems to cover most of it. This was an incredible post, and I hope this helps you guys deal with the ravenous crowds that are us! You deserve to enjoy being a family in private too, and this was a wonderfully gracious way of doing that.
As a by-the-by, I’m in the same stretch of pregnancy as Kate, and (shamefacedly) loving every new picture of the bump. Mine is huge by comparison, but it’s so fun to see her enjoying pregnancy.
YoungHouseLove says
That’s so sweet to be on the same schedule Meghan!
xo
s
Rebecca says
THANK YOU for this. I wish everyone in the world could read it. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. We’ve been trying again for almost a year now, and nothing yet. It’s really hard when someone asks “any babies yet?” or “when are you going to have kids?” I know they mean well, but every time I’m asked, it brings up that painful time, and also the fact that we haven’t been successful since. I usually tell people, “when it happens, I’ll let you know!” but many just don’t get the hint.
YoungHouseLove says
I’m so sorry Rebecca! I hope everything works out for you and your sweet family.
xo
s
Lulu says
It’s a rough and rocky road. On the one hand you have given the world an incredibly intimate view of your life far beyond the confines of interior design – the goings on of your days – wedding pictures, birth story, growth and behavior of your child, your groceries, what personal care items you use, how many bras you have, your grammy, etc. You have been incredibly generous with yourself and capitalized on your ability to share and connect with people. It’s been a pleasure. And I’d really love to tell people to butt out and not ask seriously personal questions. On the other hand – they’ve been pulled so far into your “inner circle” some people just don’t realize how rude they are being. Just like it’s rude to ask your co-worker such personal questions – whether they’ve shared their life story with you or not – so it’s rude on this platform. Kudos to you Sherry for handling it with grace and exceptional manners – as you always do.
gemma@thesweetestdigs says
I feel really proud of you for writing this post, Sherry! Good for you. I send only the best wishes for your and your sweet family.
I can definitely relate to point #2 – and it sucks.
big hug! xo
KENDRA says
I absolutely LOVE the black and white striped shirt you have on in that picture above!! I am pregnant myself (3 months) and have been looking for super cute shirts to pose for pics in like that one :) Where did u get it may I ask?
YoungHouseLove says
That was from Old Navy forever ago! My tip is I just got tops a size or two bigger (not always from the maternity section) which were actually great for after I had the baby too (you know when my milk came in and I needed some room while my belly went back down, haha). Hope it helps!
xo
s
Shiana says
From all the sisters who’ve dealt with any or all of the bulleted points: thank you wrapped in a huge hug! And thank you for being so sweet and empathetic toward the asker, and the asked. Thanks for being brave. You made my day. :)
YoungHouseLove says
Aw you’re so sweet Shaina.
xo
s
raeann says
GOOD FOR YOU for posting this. it seems that it’s the next question after you get married, and then if you’re blessed with a child, you MUST have your second one so they’ll be perfectly 2 years apart. why is society so harsh. and, seriously, although we read you every day, we don’t know you, and it’s truly none of our business unless you want it to be.
from someone who’s had 2 miscarriages, that question is the hardest to stomach. it just dredges up old wounds, and forces you to face things you might’ve buried. i actually finally wrote down my story after 2 years, so if you wanna read it, it’s here: http://rositadesigns.blogspot.com/2013/02/in-club.html (you maybe might want a tissue)
again – good for you for taking a stand for what’s best for you.
xoxo
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Raeann, I’m so sorry for your loss and please know that I’m sending you so much love it’s crazy.
xo
s
Life In Yellow says
GOOD. FOR. YOU!
(And THANK YOU, from a fellow primo-prego-aged gal!) The question is hard enough to keep answering in my private life, but my little blog gets the question from time to time as well. I’m always a little surprised anyone asks, for the VERY three reasons you stated. Hugs and more thanks to you. :)
Karla@{TheClassyWoman} says
I have followed your blog for several years and have really enjoyed seeing not only what you do with the regular parts of your home but also with the nursery, playroom and my favorite-documenting Clara’s growth progress from week to week/month to month. Now that I’m pregnant with my first baby, I plan to create a book with images inspired by your weekly/monthly onesies. :)
I think readers genuinely enjoy Clara and know it would be fun to see you prego another time around but I can see how that would get old quick. LOL. I totally understand you being apprehensive given the first scary delivery. May I offer you some encouraging words? Regardless of what happened with Clara’s birth, trust God to give you a healthy and easy pregnancy including delivery if you choose to have another little one. Try not to let the memories fill your minds with doubts. HE alone is in control. :)I would hate to see you guys miss out (if that’s what you both desire for your family) because of fear.
As for the folks who have been asking you daily if you’re pregnant, I actually wrote a post on the importance of not asking women if they are with child until they choose to announce it and why. You mentioned some of those reasons here, a big one these days for many women is the pain of trying and not conceiving. I have never personally experienced it either but can only imagine it would add salt to the wound. Anyway here is my post if anyone’s interested.
http://theclassywoman.blogspot.com/2011/01/reader-request-asking-if-shes-pregnant.html
YoungHouseLove says
Great post Karla! Thanks for sharing it!
xo
s
Linette says
Such a well written post on such a sensitive subject. I do believe that when people ask it’s with the sweetest intentions, but it’s still a private and personal thing. Having gone through years of infertility/loss/potential adoption (with a fur-baby to show for it all) I totally get what it’s like being asked once let alone numerous times daily. Yikes! Whenever it happens, if you both choose to go that route in the future, we’ll be rooting for you and wishing you the best. :-)
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Linette! All the best to you as well!
xo
s
Melanie says
Beautifully written, as always.
I don’t think I would have been so eloquent in my own version of “leave my uterus alone”!
Sarah says
Love the way you have handled this subject! I’m kind of having to field the same questions lately… My “little man” is 17 months old and his godmother is pregnant again and so everyone just naturally assumes I’ll be getting pregnant too. Um, no? I’m about to have major surgery on my mouth… Then I have to go into why, and blah blah blah… I’m sorry, why was this anyone else’s business again? Bravo for being so nice! I’m getting tired of it! LoL!
Olivia says
Best of luck, whatever you decide to do!
Kellee says
You dealt with all of this with such grace! I had a hard time with my first pregnancy – not quite the scare you guys had but I was put on bed rest due to preeclampsia and had a somewhat scary birth. I got a hundred questions about when we were going to have our second kid and it was hard to field those questions because we definitely didn’t want to rush into it. I wanted to give myself time to heal physically and emotionally and process maybe having to go through everything all over and having complications again. We just needed time. Love you guys and your little family and best wishes for you!
Kat says
You are seriously awesome. That’s all.